childhood mental illness Archives

What You Should Know About Coaching a Child with Anxiety

November 27, 2019 By Lindsay Gee Leave a Comment

Let me preface this article with the fact that I am not a psychiatrist, psychologist or counsellor. These are my opinions based on battling mental illness alongside my son for the past 4.5 years. I will also add that these are knowledge nuggets applicable to my child. While he has mental illness on a greater scale than some and a lesser scale than others, I believe these few tips may help all coaches should they experience the honour of working with a kid with mental illness.

Why is working with a kid with mental illness an honour? I may be a little biased, but if you have a child with mental illness on your bench (there will be a lot of hockey references, as that as my child’s sport of choice for the most part – but would be applicable to most sports), you have a kid that fights to be there. You have a kid that truly wants to participate. Otherwise, they’d be home and not fighting for their life to play with their team. If you have a kid like that – that’s an honour and one I hope you don’t overlook.

One more thing before we get started – and this is critical – mental illness has no “face”…you cannot tell what a child may be going through – so if something seems different, ask.

Because this is the face of anxiety:

This is the face of anxiety:

And this is the face of anxiety:

Now…let’s begin…

1. Don’t be scared.

My son and I are very open about his mental illness. I truly understand what a gift that is from him. His openness to communicate about what he goes through allows exceptional awareness and education to those around him. Please don’t start immediately worrying that he’s a bomb about to go off as soon as you hear “the news”.

He’s not. Well…he is…but we have strategies to help him. If you find out a child on your bench has a mental illness, try to fend off the stigma you may have surrounding it and learn more. Which brings me to…

2. Trust the player’s parents.

With my son’s openness about his anxiety and panic disorder, we have pretty incredible communication with his coaches, teammates and parents. We both recognize that when you learn that he battles anxiety, it may be somewhat intimidating for you.

Let me help you. Anxiety, which may lead to panic attacks can look quite different for every child. Some kids may come off as loud and obnoxious. Some kids may become very quiet. For some kids, like my child, it’s far more visible. For my son, he hyperventilates, shifts his body back and forth, cries, often times he yells, sometimes he throws a glove (but that’s when it’s just him and I) and in that state, there is no reasoning with him. He is very busy “fighting tigers” in his brain.

So, trust the parents of the child battling to know what to do. They most likely have years of living with their child battling anxiety and know what to do. If they ask you to do something – do it. If they ask you to not do something – don’t do it. It’s that simple.

You MUST communicate with your player’s parents. We may ask you to check in with them. We may ask you to give them a fist bump. Or we may ask you stay away for a few minutes. Please know – at that moment – we are very focused on our child and we know exactly what they need, or to be as honest and open as possible, we sure hope we know what we’re doing.

Keep communication wiiiiiiiiiide open. Always.

3. Please know they want to be there.

This one is a toughie for most anyone to understand. When people see my child in the middle of a panic attack, I see the judgment. I see you watching us and thinking “WTH is wrong with that kid?” “If he wants to get on the ice, why doesn’t he just get on the ice?”. Or, “why doesn’t he just go home if this is so hard”?

Good question. Short answer – he really truly wants to get on that bloody ice but at that moment, anxiety has taken control and his brain won’t actually let him.

He wants to be there or he wouldn’t be fighting so hard.

One of the “best” things my son does is “allow” himself to panic anywhere. Although it truly suuuuuuucks, it allows people (coaches, parents, teammates) to see just what he is up against. He will yell things like:

“DON’T YOU THINK I WANT TO BE OUT THERE?”
“I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO BE OUT THERE RIGHT NOW”
“YOU WOULDN’T LAST A DAY IF YOU HAD TO LIVE THE LIFE I LIVE!”

And you know what? He’s right. He battles hard to get on that ice every single time. Every time he does step foot onto the ice, he gives me a shimmy-shake to let me know he’s okay. I live for those shimmy-shakes.

If you ever question if one of your players battling anxiety wants to be there – they do. Some days anxiety wins and we don’t manage to overcome. Some days (most day now after a lot of hard work) my son wins and he hits the ice, shimmy-shakes, and it is GAME ON.

4. Don’t baby them.

There may be a tendency to hold back on coaching a child with anxiety/panic disorder. I get that. You’ve just seen him panic for 15 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour – however long the attack went on. But, if the player wins the battle – give them a bop on the head, tell them you’re so happy to have them on the ice – and PUT THEM TO WORK.

Exercise and distraction, baby – they’re your best friends when it comes to coaching a child with a mental illness. Exercise to release hormones and distraction to well – distract the brain.

Don’t ever, ever baby them. Sure, your tone may need to be a little different. But the expectation of hard work, completing drills and being on the same level as other players – that’s critical. Don’t treat them differently. Sure, they just ran a marathon during their panic attack – but they’re there, so make them work.

5. Show compassion, give them a job, make them laugh.

I often get asked by coaches what they can do to help my son. The above three tasks would help immensely. Acknowledge how terrible what he just went through was. It helps to know you saw it, don’t ignore it, say something like – “Yow! That was something! I’m soooooooo happy you’re here!”. Tell him you’re proud to have him there, then get him to do something. Again – jobs distract. It helps a ton.

Once I have my son on the ice, if you acknowledge that he’s a rockstar and give him a job, we’re usually good to go. Make him laugh, be silly, bop him on the head, pretend to trip him – all those things – distraction and a release of joy for him help. Making him laugh is a huuuuuuuge help. Be silly. Be fun – if only for a moment.

The above three things are critical to you helping a player with anxiety.

6. Please don’t ask us to put our child in a place we know they will fail.

This goes back to trusting the parents again, but I felt it needed its own section. If we know a team photo will cause a panic attack – please don’t ask us to ask them to do it. Because they’ll trip into panic and set off an attack.

If we know asking them to wear new socks will cause a panic attack. Please don’t ask us to do it. Because we’re setting the player up for failure if we do and in the end, the player has to battle and the parent will feel like a terrible parent for weeks because she should have stood up for her son.

So, if a parent says “if you ask me to ask them to do this, it’ll cause a panic attack” – know we don’t say that lightly. Know that we know our child better than anyone else. Ask yourself if what you’re asking of the child is TRULY critical, or if it’s a “nice-to-have”. If it’s critical, I will work with my child, battle the panic attack, win and then feel guilty that I put him through that for weeks. If it is not critical… please, please, please don’t ask us to ask our child what it is you want. Let it go.

7. Help educate your team.

There’s a great initiative that started in BC called Buddy Check for Jesse. There are resources and coaches notes on the Buddy Check website on how to talk to your team about mental health challenges. I strongly suggest you go to the website, download the resources and talk to your entire team in the dressing room about what it means to be a good teammate both on and off the ice.

This doesn’t have to be a huge speech, a little education goes a long, long way.

And, it goes without saying – probably best to not point out the child who battles mental illness – LOL. Most of the team will be well aware of the child that has attacks like my child has – but other kids may battle silently and it sure would be nice for those quiet kids to know that they are also supported by their coach and teammates.

8. Last but not least – give yourself a break.

If coaching a player with a mental illness is new to you – be kind to yourself. You’re going to question what you did that may have created a panic attack. You’re going to question if you provided enough support. You’re going to question if getting them on the ice was the right thing. You’re going to question anything that creates a reaction from the player who battles.

As a parent who has had incredible coaches for my son but who has also had coaches who have worked with my son and who just don’t quite “get it” just yet…if you’re at least trying to understand, I am grateful. ANYTHING you try to do to help our child deserves our gratitude, our praise and our respect.

You’re going to feel like you’ve failed your player at some point, I guarantee it. You’re going to feel like you could have done something better, different, with better results, with more compassion. Please know you couldn’t have. You did the best you could at the moment you had – YOU tried to understand.

As a parent, if I see a coach TRY to understand my child, TRY to encourage him, TRY to understand what he goes through – you get a gold star for coaching.

The player may sometimes be able to tell you what they need. But some times they may not be able to tell you. Rely on the parents then. We are their safe place – as are you – but we have been working with them a little longer. Trust your gut.

The best tip I have for you, Coaches, is to keep communication open between yourself, the player and the players’ parents.

And always, always, always ask questions should you have them.

Hey, Coaches – you are THE BOMB. You have the power to change the way kids and youth view mental illness in sport. YOU have that power. I hope you take an opportunity to learn more because if you haven’t already, at some point in your coaching career you will absolutely, 100%, positively meet a child battling and they are going to need you, as will their parents.

How Buddy Check for Jesse Saved Our Family Through Green Tape & Conversation

October 29, 2019 By Lindsay Gee Leave a Comment

Our journey with Buddy Check for Jesse started a year ago. It was one moment in time, one talk in the hockey dressing room, one game with green tape…and it changed the entire course of my son’s and my life.

If you haven’t read about our first experience with Buddy Check, please CLICK HERE and read that article first (I swear, it’s a good one).

Quick background: My son has been battling panic attacks since grade two. Thankfully we had an amazing teaching (forever grateful to Shaye Sanford) who identified his behaviour and asked if maybe, perhaps, have you ever wondered: “do you think he may have anxiety?”.

This is the face of anxiety – FYI – anxiety doesn’t “look” like anything in particular.

From there we battled. We met with counsellors, got on waitlists, were told he wasn’t “sick enough” yet. For years. His panic attacks worsened. They lengthened and they became more frequent. My son, fairly open about his anxiety, always asked me to talk to his coaches and let them know what was happening and what they could do.

So, I always have. We are brutally open about his anxiety and his panic attacks. It scares some people, but I figure…get over it and learn how to help. It’s not about you, it’s about illness and my son and how you can help coach a child who may need to be coached with understanding…so let me help you support my son.

Our coach last year was the best coach ever in the history of all coaches. His Buddy Check talk in the dressing room – about how to support one another, how to reach out, what to look for – was the best ever. He spoke about mental health challenges and how to be a safe place for your friends and family. Me? I was a weeping wreck as I listened…because this was the first time EVER I’d heard a coach talk about mental illness and how to support someone…let alone in a stinky hockey dressing room.

It was freakin’ incredible.

That moment changed our lives. From that moment, I had more courage to talk about my son’s battles. I received more support from the parents. My son received more support and understanding from his teammates. And, he continued to open up and talk, talk, talk about his mental illness.

His anxiety led to depression and although he spoke about his anxiety, he continued to battle…hard. He experienced 5-7 panic attacks that lasted 2-3 hours every week. He battled. And that, well now…that will fatigue a nervous system and eventually, it led to depression.

Finally “sick enough”, we managed to get him in to see a psychiatrist and he was officially diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses.

As he fought to recover from his illnesses, he began to focus on how to further educate about mental illness, how to further help people understand to not fear what he has to go through…and his focus went to Buddy Check for Jesse. He loves everything Stu Gershman created in loving memory of his son, Jesse Short-Gershman.

He raised $2500 for Buddy Check this year and continues to raise money through the sales of his t-shirts and hoodies (more info on how to support that HERE).

But, Buddy Check didn’t just help my son. It helped our entire family. Buddy Check was the platform that my son was able to stand on and have a purpose. He claims that Buddy Check is 25% of his life. It means that much to him and he continues to raise awareness for it.

For me…I used to quietly battle on my own, but since Buddy Check, I know I have a support system. I continue to educate…and frustratingly, sometimes my words fall on deaf ears, but I will continue to force the issue.

Buddy Check opened conversations in our family. It opened doorways to healing. It opened acceptance to lean. It opened a willingness to take a breath, accept what is, battle stronger and recover quicker.

You’re asking…seriously…one little speech in one little dressing room by one coach did all that? And I can, 100%, say yes. Yes, it did.

Last year, Buddy Check for Jesse packages were given to about 200 teams. This year, they were able to provide packages to over 1100 teams. CAN YOU IMAGINE the impact they are having right now? The Buddy Check for Jesse weekend wrapped up last weekend and it was a sea of green at most of the Bantam and PeeWee teams across BC, as well as some other province, per their request. There were also some Atom teams involved, as well!.

Stu – you’ve become a dear friend of mine and I am so honoured to help spread the good work you’re doing in any way, shape or form that I can. What you and your family have had to endure is heart-breaking and I cry with you. But, I also fight. I fight beside you and I will help bring this incredible initiative to the masses.

Because, Stu…you saved my family in more ways than you could ever possibly imagine. I am not alone. My son is recovering. We all have a purpose. And it is ALL because of green tape and short talk in a stinky hockey dressing room.

Jesse, I didn’t have the honour of meeting you but you are locked in my heart forever. I will support your family to spread the work and education that is being done in your memory as best I can. You mean a great deal to me and my family – and for that I will push and fight and battle for you.

#BuddyCheckforJesse – thank you.

For for more information on Buddy Check for Jesse, please go to www.buddycheckforjess.com.

To purchase one of Owen’s “Anxiety” hoodies or t-shirts, please CLICK HERE.

The Importance of Buddy Check for Jesse for Our Family (and yours)

July 23, 2019 By Lindsay Gee Leave a Comment

Last night my son got to meet the man behind Buddy Check for Jesse. To say it was an emotional night would be an understatement. At least it was for me.

If you’re unfamiliar with Buddy Check for Jesse, it is an organization that brings mental health awareness to sport. Buddy Check is most known for the “Green Tape” initiative where kids tape their sticks with green (the color for mental illness) tape during the last week of October. It’s an incredible way to raise awareness and start conversations about mental illness – what it can look like, how to support, how to check on your friends, etc.

Most importantly was the message our coach talked about in the dressing room. The message of checking on your friends, of reaching out if you see someone struggling…of reaching out if you ARE struggling. It’s this message that created the environment in which my child could vocalize what he goes through and feel supported by his coach and his teammates. The green tape was a tool for the conversations. Now, every time Owen sees green tape, he feels supported thanks to the words of his coach.

Buddy Check for Jesse came into our lives last fall and it changed both my son’s and my life. It may seem like a fairly simple thing to do…tape a stick…but it was the conversations, the openness, the support received during this initiative that brought strength to both my son and me to speak out about what my son goes through (recently diagnosed with several types of anxiety and depression).

My son has always been open about talking about his mental illness – he does not know that this is uncommon – but Buddy Check seemed to really hit his heart and soul and light it on fire. He became braver, more vocal, more proud of overcoming his anxiety and – seemingly, more accepted.

Since the Green Tape initiative in October, Owen has talked openly about his mental illness as he battled hard all season. It was a very difficult season for us, but I believe he felt supported, accepted and honoured by his teammates and coaches. His openness to speak about what he goes through still humbles me and the messages he speaks constantly patch my heart back together and make me so very proud.

His main message: You’re not alone. You’re supported.

I mean…seriously. He’s 10.

During Owen’s 50 for 50 campaign to raise awareness for mental illness, we knew a large portion of the funds raised would go to Buddy Check for Jesse. Last night we were able to meet Stu and his wife and Owen donated $2500 to Stu and the work being done at Buddy Check for Jesse.

Last night I watched my son, shy at first, hand over his hard-earned money to a cause he truly believes in. As the evening progressed, I saw my son open up, be silly, and engage with Stu and Niki and I was just so proud. He even read an entire article OUT LOUD to them about how his dog helps him cope with his mental illness.

At one point Stu turned to me and said: “You’d never think he has a mental illness, would you?”. And we both just smiled at one another and shrugged our shoulders…because we know. We know mental illness looks like the kid or adult next door. The silly one, the quiet one, the loud one, the extrovert, the introvert, the sporty, the shy…mental illness does not “look” like anyone in particular.

In our case, it looks like a ridiculously kind, sweet, smart, funny, sometimes loud (aren’t they all?) 10-year old. For Stu, mental illness looked like a smart, kind, loving son. You simply cannot look at someone and know the battles they must wage to live the life they live.

Owen was given the gift of acceptance, grace and education through Buddy Check for Jesse and honestly, it was this initiative that helped me through an extremely difficult season. Knowing that there are many other parents out there advocating for their kids, knowing I wasn’t being judged, knowing that this is a big enough issue for someone out there to be fighting for awareness…I held that in my heart daily as we battled.

Owen was given gifts from Stu and Niki last night that took my breath away. I will keep those private, but I know Owen will cherish his gifts forever.

As we drove home from meeting Stu, on Jesse’s birthday, we had a bigger conversation about depression – a topic we haven’t discussed much. He had a lot of questions and I could see him grappling with the loss Stu and his family feel. Once again, we keep learning and growing because we talk about it. We talk and talk. I am honest and open with my son – hiding facts won’t help. So, he asked the questions I think he may have been nervous to ask before. I answered and I cried. When we got home, he was the one to come to me in our driveway and give me a hug.

My son is incredible. He battles 3-hour panic attacks, he makes it through “sad days” and he advocates for others to reach out and find support. He raised over $5000 to raise awareness for mental illness and he isn’t done. He wants to do more. So we will. Apparently forever.

The fact that my son, at 10, is using his own mental illness to let others know they aren’t alone, to raise money for organizations that help bring awareness and to not even think twice about sharing what he does – it humbles me and makes me want to be a better person for him.

Stu – Thank you. Out of tragedy and heartbreak, please know you’re helping so much. I am sorry for your loss, with my entire heart and soul – but we promise to continue to talk. We promise to educate and support and help as much as we can so others can find the light again. We will be here fighting our own battles all while drawing a sword to stand strong for others.

Owen, my son – you are the strongest person I know. I hope you know the strength and power you have inside you – but when you don’t – I’m here – arms wide, heart open and fighting for you.

Facts About Mental Illness that You Absolutely Need to Know

June 26, 2019 By Lindsay Gee 1 Comment

With five days left of #PushingForAwareness, I continue to be humbled by my son and his non-stop desire to raise awareness for childhood mental illness.

He has done 50 pushups for 46 days now (well, he still needs to get his done today but to be fair, it’s currently 5:12 am, so I’ll give him some grace here) to raise awareness and funds for childhood mental illness. Throughout this campaign, he has raised over $4000 and with 5 days he is bound and determined to reach his goal of $5000.

To donate: https://fundly.com/50-for-50-pushup-challenge-for-childhood-mental-health-aware-50-for-50-pushups-challenge

After battling for over 4 years, my son was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, panic disorder and depression. He is 10 years old. He has officially called his mental illness “Dickson”. We hate Dickson.

Over the past 46 days of #PushingForAwareness I have learned a lot about mental illness and I thought I would share some of the most shocking stats I discovered.

Facts About Mental Illness:

1 in 7 kids has a mental illness.
1 in 5 actually gets the help they need.
24% of all deaths in 15-24-year-olds are caused by suicide.
49% of people who feel they have suffered from depression have never gone to a doctor.
On average, there has been a 188% increase in emergency room visits from 2007 to 2018 for ages 5 to 24 (229% increase for ages 5 – 9).
Untreated anxiety often leads to depression. Depression rarely (if ever) leads to anxiety.
4.4 million kids have been diagnosed with anxiety, 1/3 of those have depression (32.5%).
100% of Canadian will be affected by mental illness at some point in their life.
Mental illness is the #1 disability affecting people around the world. READ THAT AGAIN. NUMBER ONE.
6% of the Canadian healthcare budget is dedicated to mental illness; that number should be closer to 30% to account for the people with disabilities and mental illnesses.

If you think that mental illness is not a “real” issue in this world, think again. The great thing? There is help now and if we get our kids help NOW, they may not have to battle their entire lives. If we get our children help NOW, they may not experience depression and the darkness that brings to their lives.

If we get our children help NOW, we’re arming them with tools and strategies to fight their illness with all they are. They may need medication, they may need strategies, they may need counseling…DO IT ALL.

My son wants you all to know that he will continue to push for awareness far after this campaign is done. He’s already asked what we are doing next to help…he has his mind set on creating “Dickson Sucks” sweatshirts…I kind of adore that idea.

We’re pretty damn bonded, this kid and I. xo
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I hope these facts are staggering to you. I hope these stats are eye-opening. I hope the friggin’ government reads this and all the other stats out there and opens their damn eyes to the help that is required for the people suffering who needn’t be suffering.

There is help. There are medications. There are people who can support mental illness. I’m one of them and I will fight Dickson beside my son until the day Dickson shrinks to a manageable size for my son or I die. I prefer the non-dying option.

If you have a child that you feel is suffering from anxiety, depression or any other mental illness, the best resource I’ve found is called FamilySmart. They put you in contact with a leader in your area that can help you navigate through the over-worked system that is mental health and find the resources available to you. Please reach out to them at www.familysmart.ca.

My Child Has Mental Health But He Also Has a Mental Illness

June 24, 2019 By Lindsay Gee 2 Comments

When my child was diagnosed with a mental illness I was constantly talking about mental health. I was confusing the two terms and replacing “illness” with “health”, mostly because I cringed every time I used the term “mental illness”.

You see, there’s still a stigma around those words, even for a Mom who has been advocating for her son for years and years. I just couldn’t seem to easily say the words “my son has a mental illness”. It was easier to say “I’m raising awareness for mental health” or “I’m pushing hard for my son’s mental health to be taken care of”.

Until one day my son corrected me.

We were talking about the campaign we are doing called #PushingForAwareness where we committed to completing 50 pushups for 50 days to raise awareness for childhood mental illness. BUT…when we first started the campaign I kept saying we were “raising awareness for childhood mental health”.

My son asked, “Is there a difference between health and illness”? I paused, because in that moment I realized I needed to get over the stigma and educate properly.

I told him that we were raising awareness for childhood anxiety and depression.

“And those are illnesses, right? So we should say that we’re raising awareness for childhood mental illness because that’s what we’re doing”, he said.

“You’re right, buddy. You’re 100% right. We’re raising awareness for childhood mental illness.”

You see, everyone has mental health but not everyone has mental illness.

Your mental health slides on a continuum – some days you could have good mental health and other days you could have bad mental health. Stress, sleep, nutrition, life, in general, all lend a hand in dictating your mental health. But mental illness? Well, that gets diagnosed by a professional.

You may notice now that in the live videos we do for our daily pushups that my son introduces it as “raising awareness for mental illness” and after a few weeks, I no longer cringe at those words. I’ve grown accustomed to them and appreciate the power behind them.

I was feeling pretty baffled by my reaction to the words mental illness, but I’ve accepted that it was all based around the stigma we are currently battling. Even though I’ve been battling and I’ve been fighting for my son, I needed to wrap my head around the terms. They’re just words, but wow…words hold power, don’t they?

The more I’ve used the words, the easier it’s gotten. It’s not that I’m ashamed of his diagnosis at all, it’s not that I felt the need to hide it (obviously…sheesh we’re running a whole campaign on it), but I did need to address my cringey reaction to those two words.

And, the answer truly was stigma. It’s a long battle ahead of us to de-stigmatize the word. I know this because even as a true and huge advocate for mental illness, I shirked away from using the correct term for my son…and that’s the problem.

I realize more than ever that the work we need to do to help in the area of destigmatizing (is that even a word?!) the words “mental illness” is massive. However, I also know you can get the heck over it because I have done just that.

So, say it with me “MENTAL ILLNESS”.

My child has a mental illness.

I can say it now and I actually stand a little prouder. I may even throw a shoulder shimmy at you because it’s not scary at all. It’s actually pretty damn empowering.

My son called me out on not addressing the issue and using the incorrect term and I couldn’t be more proud of him. He’s not embarrassed by it and he continues to have the amazing conversations about mental illness with adults, friends and random people in the grocery store. So who am I to stand in his way?

If you haven’t checked out his campaign to raise awareness for mental illness, please do so! We have ONE WEEK left and we’re about $1300 short of our $5000 goal.