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I Remember When

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I remember when I found out I was pregnant with you and I remember exactly how I felt to know I’d get to be a Mom. I felt excited, relieved and proud.

I remember when you were born. I remember peace, joy and pain.

I remember seeing your dimple for the first time and thinking you were the cutest, sweetest little thing – alien-like and all – that I’d ever seen.

I remember when you had months of cholic and I remember feeling helpless, exhausted and defeated.

I remember when you said “Mama” for the first time. That was pure love, pride and awe.

I remember when you became a brother and met your sister for the first time and I remember seeing your gentle soul instantly love and cherish the role of “big brother”.

I remember when you started preschool for the first time and hated it, so I remember pulling you out knowing you weren’t ready…WE weren’t ready.

I remember when you had your first day of kindergarten and I remember the MOMENT you let go of my hand and toddled away with your teacher and class, Cars backpack and all. That moment was simply bittersweet.

I remember when you believed in Santa, the Easter bunny and the magic surrounding it all. I also remember when the magic changed and I remember feeling sad to watch that magic go.

I remember all the days, the crafts, the sports, the concerts, the growth, the friends, the foes, the learning you did in elementary school.

I remember when we used to laugh at how dramatic I’d be when we imagined you starting high school. I would pretend to sob and throw my arms in the air and cry “My baby! My baby! He caaaaaan’t be going to high school!”. And, you’d laugh and giggle and call me “so silly”.

I remember when you used to answer “It’s a beautiful day, Mom” when I asked you what kind of day it was.

I remember when you struggled. I remember when you panicked. I remember when we didn’t understand all you were and all you are. I remember feeling hopeless in moments and constantly in awe of your strength.

I remember when we became a team that no one could beat. No one.

I remember when you continuously showed me the strength you have within yourself to get on the ice after battling and battling. I would sit in the bleachers, depleted. And I remember you – out there shimmy-shaking, smiling and letting me know you were okay.

I remember when I realized how much stronger you are than I am. And yes, yes you are.

I remember when you started middle school and I remember feeling proud of you but also terrified for you because, well, middle school is weird.

I remember when you started talking about friends I didn’t know and feeling excited for you, if not just a little left out of your life.

I remember when you stopped calling them “playdates” and started calling them “hangs”.

I remember when you stopped calling me Mommy and you called me Mother for the first and last time. Mom or Mama will do, son, I ain’t no one’s Mother.

I remember when you dyed your hair and didn’t care what others thought. I remember feeling proud of you once again.

I remember when you taught me to be open about talking about autism, mental illness and all the things people usually shy away from. I remember the moment of acceptance and releasing any stigma I had because YOU ARE THE COOLEST and why shouldn’t we talk about anything and everything?

I remember when you made me laugh with your sarcasm for the first time and I remember realizing just how very funny you are.

I remember when you hugged me and had to bend over to do so for the first time.

I remember the laughs, the tears, the frustrations, the joy, the wonder of these first years of your incredible life.

I remember feeling like I was the luckiest person in the world because you chose me to be your Mama.

I remember when it was your last day of middle school because that day is today and although yes, I want to throw my hands up in the air and hold you tight, I also cannot wait to watch you create more memories. I cannot wait to watch you become the person you’re meant to be.

I remember when I thought the days were so long and that high school was so far away. But the years are short, your life continues to march on and aren’t we unbelievably lucky for that?

I remember thinking “I wonder who he’ll be” when you were born and in this moment, I could have never ever EVER have imagined the memories you’ve imprinted in my mind and the complete and total love and respect I have for you and the person you are.

I remember when I celebrated you and your life and all you are – I remember when because that moment is exactly right now.

I love you to the moon, around the stars and back to your heart – and yes, I remember when we first started saying that to one another; you were two and I remember hoping we’d say that to one another forever. And we do.

I remember when…

All my love,
The luckiest Mom alive

My Son is Autistic and No, He Doesn’t “Look” Autistic

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Last year, we found the piece of the puzzle we’d been missing for my son and I’m going to share that with you today, with his permission.

If you’ve followed our journey at all over the past 7 years, you’ll know my son manages severe panic disorder, social anxiety and generalized anxiety disorder. LIKE A MOTHER F**KING rockstar, might I add.

Last year, we were struggling. Panic attacks had come back full-force, my son started to miss more days of school and signs of depression were written all over his sweet face. Your neurological system can only be in fight or flight for so long before it shuts down and then – well – hello, depression.

We managed to get in to see our psychiatrist, as I thought “He’s grown A LOT the past few years, I bet he needs to increase the dose of his meds or maybe we need to switch them up or something?”. Bear with me, I’m still learning every day about mental illness.

Our psychiatrist is THE BEST. I’m so grateful. My son and I met with her, they chatted awhile, they agreed that he had grown A LOT since his diagnosis two years prior (13 and almost 6′ tall) and an increase is meds was definitely needed. My son was then asked to leave so the doc and I could talk.

The next conversation changed our lives.

Doc: Lindsay, I’m going to ever-so-gently float an idea out for you that I’d like you to consider.

Me: Um. Ok. Always. *gets nervous because…wtf*

Doc: Have you ever considered that your son may have Autism Spectrum Disorder?

Me: *jaw drops*

Me: No. Not at all. He’s social. He has loads of friends. He plays sports. He does well in school.

Doc: Oh yes. I know this. But, I’m wondering if we’ve been so focused on his anxiety that we’re missing a piece of his puzzle. I wonder if he may be on the spectrum?

Me: I really don’t think so.

Our psychiatrist then went on to ask me a list of questions like:

  • Does he focus on one subject for awhile and speak mostly on it for month or so? Yes.
  • Does spend time trying to understand why his peers are acting a certain way? Yes.
  • Does he often fixate on a problem he is having and is unable to let it go for weeks at a time? Yes.
  • Does he worry and wonder why he doesn’t “fit in” with his peers? Yes.
  • If an issue arises, does he fixate on that and does that cause him anxiety because he doesn’t understand what he did, what went wrong or why someone might be irritated by him? Yes.

Oh. My. God.

Wait. How could we miss this?

When I talked to my friends, his teachers, his counselors, everyone…and I mean EVERYONE had the same reaction. “No way”. I’d then ask the questions to them the psychiatrist asked me and everyone immediately changed their answer to “Oh wow. How’d we miss that?”.

And so it went. We went on to get him assessed and the results were that yes, my son has autism. And holy shit, looking back, of course he does.

How’d we miss this puzzle piece?

Simple. We’re not superheroes and we cannot think of everything. I berated myself for months for not seeing this sooner. I could have been more patient over the past years. I could have been less frustrated. I could have yelled less (you know – lack of patience and all). I could have been a better Mom.

But no. That’s not right. We ALL missed this. And that’s OKAY. We got that puzzle piece now and it allows me a new perspective. I see his beautiful mind and I also see when he’s now not understanding his social disconnect.

We call it his Greek brain when he’s not really understanding a social cue. I’ll say “O, your Greek brain is on, you might just have to let this one go” and sometimes, that’s the permission he needs to let that go and not fester and worry on a situation. This has exponentially decreased his anxiety – at least I believe it has.

My son is also very open about his autism. As he is with everything about his mental health. Again, he’s a F**KING ROCKSTAR.

I do have to say though, he gets a lot of pushback from his friends when he shares that information.

“No, you’re not.”

“Shut up. No way.”

Mostly, people don’t believe him or they think he’s joking.

We were driving in the car a few weeks ago and my son made a comment about his autism and his friends said “Wait, you weren’t kidding about that? You really are?” and I confirmed with the friend that he wasn’t kidding and we all had a little chuckle. His friend then said “Huh. Cool. I thought he was just really funny”.

I saw this quote the other day:

If you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism.

-Unknown

I like that. Because autism has a spectrum of behaviours. No one autistic person is the same. What I would like to do is encourage you to continue to learn, as I am, about autism. I’d like to encourage you to teach your kids to not judge or refute a diagnosis when a friend shares this information. Teachers, too. We’ve had pushback there, too.

Assessments are there for a reason – for diagnosis. So, if someone has been through an assessment and they are on the spectrum, please don’t refute that with them. If someone is diagnosed with ASD, maybe just say: Cool. Is there anything you need in support or how does your autism affect your life?

Truly, it’s that simple.

Autism doesn’t have a “look”. I stared at my son’s beautiful face for 12 years. I knew him inside and out. Until I didn’t. Until we found that missing puzzle piece. I’ve always had a son with autism but now I know it and now I can honour that.

I hope you can do the same.

Hey Adults: Ease Up on Our T(w)eens, For The Love!

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This post is mostly for my generation…because damn…we have GOT TO CHILL when it comes to our tweens and teens.

My son, who yes, I do feel the sun rises and falls with him (but also yes, I KNOW to be a friggin’ GOOD KID because I’m told repeatedly how well-behaved and kind he is) – is constantly telling me about incidents he has with adults when he is out and about…doing wild, wild, wild things like…fishing.

Yes. Fishing.

He tells me that he gets yelled at by women “your age, Mom” about keeping his fish, that he should throw them back, etc. Or, if he’s riding his bike – ON THE MARKED PATH – that he’s being dangerous and not following the rules. Or, if he’s out and about outside, minding his business – he’s loud and disruptive. Because how DARE a tween take up space in this world.

Oh hay – OUTSIDE is where he can be loud, FYI.

So, here’s my kid – at the ripe old age of 12 having to defend himself against misinformed asshole adults who don’t know the rules and feel obliged to inform my kid he’s doing wrong, when he very much IS NOT.

Here’s my kid, GOING FISHING – not doing drugs, not smoking, not swearing, not staying indoors playing video games, not shoplifting, not bullying, not being an asshole – getting yelled at and berated for doing things that are within his rights and are LEGAL TO DO by dickhead adults who don’t know better.

He checks website, he talks to park rangers…HE KNOWS THE RULES…so fuck off and leave him be.

I think this comes from my generation because, let’s be honest, most of us were real assholes as teens. I think we believe that because we were getting drunk in the elementary school field at 14 and swearing up a storm, that “kids these days” are doing the same.

Here’s the thing: THEY AREN’T (for the most part).

“Kids these days” are smarter when it comes to stupid stuff we used to do. I have a lot of friends with older kiddos who would never ever drink and drive – which is something most of us Gen-X’er have done – and NO – we aren’t proud of it. But shiiiiiiit – that thought doesn’t even cross most kids’ minds these days. It’s not even in their decision-making repertoire. They know the damage and hurt that has caused.

Adults, us parent are doing a bang-up job with this generation that’s growing up in a pandemic. Truly, these teens and tweens are exceptional. So, let’s give them a little credit, a little freedom and a little runway to be…teens and tweens.

WE HAVE GOT TO CHILL.

Leave the kids alone. Unless they’re swearing and doing something awful to someone else – LET THEM BE.

Mind your own business. Nine times out of ten teens and tweens know the rules better than we do – because – THEY GOOGLE IT BEFORE THEY GO ANYWHERE. Our kids are the most informed kids of all generations and we, as adults, need to grow with them and understand that NOT ALL TEENS ARE BAD.

So, if you’re concerned about their behaviour – before you start yelling, maybe ask some questions first. Most times you’re going to be talking to some nice kids, so hold your tongue and find out more information before you start yelling. Wait a beat, get curious and strike up a conversation – NOT a lecture.

And hey, if you feel you still need to yell so you can show our teens and tweens how smart, knowledgable and powerful you are…

Well, because my son is MUCH TOO POLITE to say it, let me say it for him:

Fuck off.

Fuck all the way off.

To the teens and tweens out there – you’re doing an amazing job. Life isn’t easy for you right now and your world has been flipped upside down. I trust you to be stronger than I ever was, smarter than I wish I had been and kinder than most of the adults yelling at you.

I apologize for the adults who don’t take the time to know you. You’re incredible and our world is going to be a much better, more loving place because you’re in it, living your life and doing right for yourself and others.

My gratitude and respect to our teens and tweens – I hope you receive it from other adults – but if not, please know some of us know what a remarkable job you’re doing of growing up in these very uncertain and explosive times.

Top Tips for Working Out in the Heat

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Well – it looks like summer if FINALLY here! Well, at least in BC it is – I can’t speak for the rest of the country. I think y’all have had a heat wave for a long time now. But in BC, we made it through Junuary and Julember and we’re finally getting summer and most of us are hoping it sticks until at least October!

The heat creates a whole new added stressor on your body during your workouts and you need to be prepared for it, so I thought I’d hit you up with some tips on how to still get your workouts in when it’s hot AF out.

Here are my top tips for working out in the heat:

#1 – Drink water before, during and after your workout. Try to begin your workout in a hydrated state. If you know you’re dehydrated from say, too many margaritas the day before, perhaps today is not the day to get out into the heat to sweat.

Drink 500ml 30 minutes prior to your workout, then sip water throughout your workout under the sun and follow up with a solid 500 – 1000ml (also known as a liter) subsequent to finishing.

If you’re exercising for over 60 minutes, consider sipping on a sports drink while you workout to help replenish potassium and electrolyte levels. You could also put pink sea salt into your water (don’t gag – just a bit) – it helps with redyration.

#2 – Wear light-weight, bright clothing. Light-weight because – well, c’mon now – I don’t need to explain that one. Bright because what you wear actually reflects the sun and bright colors do the best at that. So go get your best neon, light-weight exercise clothing and HIT IT!

#3 – Timing is everything. Avoid working out between 10am – 3pm when the sun is at its hottest. Get your buns up early in the morning and get your workout done before it gets too hot OR wait until later in the evening when things have cooled down a bit.

#4 – Opt for covered or shady areas to workout. If you’re going for a run – perhaps try a trail run where the trees provide some protection from the sun. Doing a bootcamp? Make sure you find a shady spot to set up your stuff. Most instructors will find a shady park or somewhere to beat the heat, so show up early and get the best spot!

#5 – Take a cold shower BEFORE your workout. By doing this, you’ll help start your run with a cooled down body. Leave your hair wet, put your light and bright clothes on, tie up those sneakers and get out there – the wet hair look is making a comeback (or something).

#6 – Listen to your body. If you start to feel light-headed, dizzy or nauseous – babydoll, it’s time to simmer down. Decrease your intensity, keep your feet moving but back off your intensity. High intensity workouts in the sun may be too much – so you may want to think about switching things up, especially when it’s super hot out.

Perhaps now is a good time to go check out the new air-conditioned gym OR get back into the gym you used to go to (if it’s open!).

BONUS TIP – Don’t forget your sunscreen. Your glisten-y body is like that baby oil you used to put on when you were younger and will attract that sun’s rays – to protect your beautiful skin from burns and slop on the protection.

You CAN stay active during the summer months. You just need to be smart about it. Hopefully the tips above help you get out there and stay active over the summer months in a safe way.

Take care and have fun!

How Buddy Check for Jesse Saved Our Family Through Green Tape & Conversation

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Our journey with Buddy Check for Jesse started a year ago. It was one moment in time, one talk in the hockey dressing room, one game with green tape…and it changed the entire course of my son’s and my life.

If you haven’t read about our first experience with Buddy Check, please CLICK HERE and read that article first (I swear, it’s a good one).

Quick background: My son has been battling panic attacks since grade two. Thankfully we had an amazing teaching (forever grateful to Shaye Sanford) who identified his behaviour and asked if maybe, perhaps, have you ever wondered: “do you think he may have anxiety?”.

This is the face of anxiety – FYI – anxiety doesn’t “look” like anything in particular.

From there we battled. We met with counsellors, got on waitlists, were told he wasn’t “sick enough” yet. For years. His panic attacks worsened. They lengthened and they became more frequent. My son, fairly open about his anxiety, always asked me to talk to his coaches and let them know what was happening and what they could do.

So, I always have. We are brutally open about his anxiety and his panic attacks. It scares some people, but I figure…get over it and learn how to help. It’s not about you, it’s about illness and my son and how you can help coach a child who may need to be coached with understanding…so let me help you support my son.

Our coach last year was the best coach ever in the history of all coaches. His Buddy Check talk in the dressing room – about how to support one another, how to reach out, what to look for – was the best ever. He spoke about mental health challenges and how to be a safe place for your friends and family. Me? I was a weeping wreck as I listened…because this was the first time EVER I’d heard a coach talk about mental illness and how to support someone…let alone in a stinky hockey dressing room.

It was freakin’ incredible.

That moment changed our lives. From that moment, I had more courage to talk about my son’s battles. I received more support from the parents. My son received more support and understanding from his teammates. And, he continued to open up and talk, talk, talk about his mental illness.

His anxiety led to depression and although he spoke about his anxiety, he continued to battle…hard. He experienced 5-7 panic attacks that lasted 2-3 hours every week. He battled. And that, well now…that will fatigue a nervous system and eventually, it led to depression.

Finally “sick enough”, we managed to get him in to see a psychiatrist and he was officially diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses.

As he fought to recover from his illnesses, he began to focus on how to further educate about mental illness, how to further help people understand to not fear what he has to go through…and his focus went to Buddy Check for Jesse. He loves everything Stu Gershman created in loving memory of his son, Jesse Short-Gershman.

He raised $2500 for Buddy Check this year and continues to raise money through the sales of his t-shirts and hoodies (more info on how to support that HERE).

But, Buddy Check didn’t just help my son. It helped our entire family. Buddy Check was the platform that my son was able to stand on and have a purpose. He claims that Buddy Check is 25% of his life. It means that much to him and he continues to raise awareness for it.

For me…I used to quietly battle on my own, but since Buddy Check, I know I have a support system. I continue to educate…and frustratingly, sometimes my words fall on deaf ears, but I will continue to force the issue.

Buddy Check opened conversations in our family. It opened doorways to healing. It opened acceptance to lean. It opened a willingness to take a breath, accept what is, battle stronger and recover quicker.

You’re asking…seriously…one little speech in one little dressing room by one coach did all that? And I can, 100%, say yes. Yes, it did.

Last year, Buddy Check for Jesse packages were given to about 200 teams. This year, they were able to provide packages to over 1100 teams. CAN YOU IMAGINE the impact they are having right now? The Buddy Check for Jesse weekend wrapped up last weekend and it was a sea of green at most of the Bantam and PeeWee teams across BC, as well as some other province, per their request. There were also some Atom teams involved, as well!.

Stu – you’ve become a dear friend of mine and I am so honoured to help spread the good work you’re doing in any way, shape or form that I can. What you and your family have had to endure is heart-breaking and I cry with you. But, I also fight. I fight beside you and I will help bring this incredible initiative to the masses.

Because, Stu…you saved my family in more ways than you could ever possibly imagine. I am not alone. My son is recovering. We all have a purpose. And it is ALL because of green tape and short talk in a stinky hockey dressing room.

Jesse, I didn’t have the honour of meeting you but you are locked in my heart forever. I will support your family to spread the work and education that is being done in your memory as best I can. You mean a great deal to me and my family – and for that I will push and fight and battle for you.

#BuddyCheckforJesse – thank you.

For for more information on Buddy Check for Jesse, please go to www.buddycheckforjess.com.

To purchase one of Owen’s “Anxiety” hoodies or t-shirts, please CLICK HERE.