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Parents: Your Kids Know More About Mental Health Than You – Get With The Program

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I was going to title this piece:

“Why?” – The question that almost made me lose my cool.

But, after some thought, the other title is better and hopefully many, many parents will read this as a way to grow their knowledge base around mental health and mental illness.

This week, my son (diagnosed with panic disorder, social anxiety, generalized anxiety disorder and depression) had a hard week. We’ve been doing really great for a few months but were warned that anxiety will creep up on you, punch you in the face, sit on your chest and demand attention at some point. That moment happened this week. Shoot. But, we’re a team and we stand together as he fights through his panic.

Team Owen – fighting one attack after the other with strength and love.

I have two scenes to share with you:

Scene 1:

Panic attack city. It started at home where my son demonstrated all of his anxiety “tells”. Tongue moving side to side, feet marching in place, pale, welling tears in his eyes.

Now, we don’t allow anxiety to rule our house and as long as my son is moving forward – I go with him. He gets a ride to school with a wonderful friend – he couldn’t get in the car. So, I ended up driving him to school because anxiety doesn’t win and I don’t allow him to let it, so WE GO TO SCHOOL.

He panics in the car. I finally get him inside. He panics in the school. I get him into the counselor’s office. He panics in the office. This has now been 1.5 hours.

He is battling HARD. He won’t let go of me. We breathe. We distract. We talk. We distract. And finally, he lets go of me and we can sit quietly for a second. We decide to go to the library to sort books – we distract.

At the library, there is a class reading. I move away from my son to talk to the librarian – who obviously doesn’t know how to handle kids with anxiety but is FULL of compassion and says “whatever he needs”.

But then, we ask permission from the adult in charge of the class and she says “You want to bring him in here like THAT?! – I mean, I guess – but *shrugs* – that won’t look good for him.”

Um…excuse me – pardon?

I leave it alone and go back to my son – but oooooooh, what I would have loved to say.

My son begins to engage with the librarian. She is wonderful. Distraction is key during panic attacks – engage another part of the brain. The school counselor (the unsung heroes of the education system) asks if my son would like a friend. He says “Oh yes, please” and asks for a compassionate, beautiful, warm, supportive friend he has (I adore this friend).

I told him I would get him (you see, I need to distance myself from my son during a panic or it rolls and rolls). I get to his class and see them inside, but the door is shut. So I knock. Behind me, a support staff asks what is happening and I tell her my son is having a panic attack and would like a friend.

Adult: “Why?”

Me: “Why what?”

Adult: “Why is he like that?”

Me: “He has a mental illness and he’s battling right now.”

Adult: “That’s weird. That must be embarrassing to be crying like that.”

Me: —

At that point, the teacher (she’s wonderful) came to the door, got my son’s friend and I didn’t have to reach over and strangle anyone. Back to the library – distraction in place (hello, book sorting ftw!) and support friend beside him.

BAM. That is how we do it! THAT is how we conquer a massive panic attack at school.

Scene Two:

I have a job with the Stigma-Free Society where I get to go to schools and talk about mental health/illness with our Children’s Mental Health Program (we also have a Stigma-Free Zone School presentation for older grades students in grades 7 – 12). It’s wonderful because I get to use my son’s experience to help kids learn, relate and know they’re not alone.

*And yes – he has given me permission to tell his story – thank you very much.

This week I got to speak with the sweetest Grade 4/5 class. I was warned they were a little rowdy, but they were wonderful.

Me: What do you think you can do if you see someone who is crying or upset?

Student: Ask them if they’re okay. Share your warmth.

End scene.

Isn’t that the most beautiful answer?!?!

Ask them if they’re okay. Share your warmth.

The difference between these two scenes caught be so off-guard this week, I’ve struggled to comprehend the incredible gap in compassion and understanding between adults and kids.

Kids win. Hands down.

Keep cool all of you adults who ARE educated and are starting to get mad at me for not acknowledging you – I’m not talking to you. There are many of us who are in the middle of this, fighting our way to get noticed and get attention to help educate those that are not. I salute you. I do. BUT – for the most part – our generation and the one before us SUCKS at understanding mental health issues.

No disrespect meant AT ALL – but it’s the truth. We grew up in an era of “get over it”, “suck it up”, and “get ahold of yourself”. It’s time to learn what this generation is now learning.

Compassion and understanding. Kindness. Warmth.

I love that I get to go into schools and talk about mental health and stigma. I love that I get to help this generation be the change and create safe places for people battling mental illness to exist and thrive.

Adults, please – get with the program.

If you’re unsure how to handle mental illness, the best place is for you to start using the word “mental illness” and start de-stigmatizing it. It’s nothing to be ashamed of or feared – the KIDS – they get this. But most adults, my lovelies…COME ON.

Educate yourself. Learn a little. No, learn a lot. Especially if you work with, coach or are around children and youth. Mental health matters and while a lot of the kids who are worrying and are nervous are not diagnosed with a mental illness – you can help them through their worrisome days with compassion, support and many, many strategies – BUT – you need to educate yourself.

If you ever see a child in a panic – please know there may be no specific moment that they’re upset about. Please know they would choose to be anywhere but in their brain at that time. Please know they can’t answer your WHY because they are fighting for their lives at that moment.

But to clearly answer the question of “WHY are they acting the way they are”? …it’s simple…

It’s called mental illness and they’re a f**king warrior fighting for peace at that moment.

So:

Share your warmth.

It’s so very simple.

Share. Your. Warmth.

How Buddy Check for Jesse Saved Our Family Through Green Tape & Conversation

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Our journey with Buddy Check for Jesse started a year ago. It was one moment in time, one talk in the hockey dressing room, one game with green tape…and it changed the entire course of my son’s and my life.

If you haven’t read about our first experience with Buddy Check, please CLICK HERE and read that article first (I swear, it’s a good one).

Quick background: My son has been battling panic attacks since grade two. Thankfully we had an amazing teaching (forever grateful to Shaye Sanford) who identified his behaviour and asked if maybe, perhaps, have you ever wondered: “do you think he may have anxiety?”.

This is the face of anxiety – FYI – anxiety doesn’t “look” like anything in particular.

From there we battled. We met with counsellors, got on waitlists, were told he wasn’t “sick enough” yet. For years. His panic attacks worsened. They lengthened and they became more frequent. My son, fairly open about his anxiety, always asked me to talk to his coaches and let them know what was happening and what they could do.

So, I always have. We are brutally open about his anxiety and his panic attacks. It scares some people, but I figure…get over it and learn how to help. It’s not about you, it’s about illness and my son and how you can help coach a child who may need to be coached with understanding…so let me help you support my son.

Our coach last year was the best coach ever in the history of all coaches. His Buddy Check talk in the dressing room – about how to support one another, how to reach out, what to look for – was the best ever. He spoke about mental health challenges and how to be a safe place for your friends and family. Me? I was a weeping wreck as I listened…because this was the first time EVER I’d heard a coach talk about mental illness and how to support someone…let alone in a stinky hockey dressing room.

It was freakin’ incredible.

That moment changed our lives. From that moment, I had more courage to talk about my son’s battles. I received more support from the parents. My son received more support and understanding from his teammates. And, he continued to open up and talk, talk, talk about his mental illness.

His anxiety led to depression and although he spoke about his anxiety, he continued to battle…hard. He experienced 5-7 panic attacks that lasted 2-3 hours every week. He battled. And that, well now…that will fatigue a nervous system and eventually, it led to depression.

Finally “sick enough”, we managed to get him in to see a psychiatrist and he was officially diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses.

As he fought to recover from his illnesses, he began to focus on how to further educate about mental illness, how to further help people understand to not fear what he has to go through…and his focus went to Buddy Check for Jesse. He loves everything Stu Gershman created in loving memory of his son, Jesse Short-Gershman.

He raised $2500 for Buddy Check this year and continues to raise money through the sales of his t-shirts and hoodies (more info on how to support that HERE).

But, Buddy Check didn’t just help my son. It helped our entire family. Buddy Check was the platform that my son was able to stand on and have a purpose. He claims that Buddy Check is 25% of his life. It means that much to him and he continues to raise awareness for it.

For me…I used to quietly battle on my own, but since Buddy Check, I know I have a support system. I continue to educate…and frustratingly, sometimes my words fall on deaf ears, but I will continue to force the issue.

Buddy Check opened conversations in our family. It opened doorways to healing. It opened acceptance to lean. It opened a willingness to take a breath, accept what is, battle stronger and recover quicker.

You’re asking…seriously…one little speech in one little dressing room by one coach did all that? And I can, 100%, say yes. Yes, it did.

Last year, Buddy Check for Jesse packages were given to about 200 teams. This year, they were able to provide packages to over 1100 teams. CAN YOU IMAGINE the impact they are having right now? The Buddy Check for Jesse weekend wrapped up last weekend and it was a sea of green at most of the Bantam and PeeWee teams across BC, as well as some other province, per their request. There were also some Atom teams involved, as well!.

Stu – you’ve become a dear friend of mine and I am so honoured to help spread the good work you’re doing in any way, shape or form that I can. What you and your family have had to endure is heart-breaking and I cry with you. But, I also fight. I fight beside you and I will help bring this incredible initiative to the masses.

Because, Stu…you saved my family in more ways than you could ever possibly imagine. I am not alone. My son is recovering. We all have a purpose. And it is ALL because of green tape and short talk in a stinky hockey dressing room.

Jesse, I didn’t have the honour of meeting you but you are locked in my heart forever. I will support your family to spread the work and education that is being done in your memory as best I can. You mean a great deal to me and my family – and for that I will push and fight and battle for you.

#BuddyCheckforJesse – thank you.

For for more information on Buddy Check for Jesse, please go to www.buddycheckforjess.com.

To purchase one of Owen’s “Anxiety” hoodies or t-shirts, please CLICK HERE.

The Importance of #GreenTape to Help Educate and Raise Awareness for Mental Illness

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I’m not even sure how to begin to write this post. So, I figure if I just let my heart speak, this will go okay.

As most of you know, my son Owen has a mental illness. After years of supporting my son as he battled massive panic attacks, I finally got him into our mental health system (more rage-writing required on that topic, but that’s not for this post) and with medication and a kickass counselor, he’s doing a lot better this year.

Don’t get me wrong. He battles every day. Every. Day. And how exhausting that must be for a 10-year old. But, the battles seem smaller and shorter and I think he is now able to catch his breath between fights. So…we’re winning. Well, we’re learning. We’re learning to battle smarter, stronger and quicker. We’re learning to shrink anxiety and call it out for its bully-ways.

All that to say…we’re doing better. But…we still battle. He doesn’t “look” like a kid that battles mental illness, does he? But…please know. He. Battles. Every. Day.

A few days ago I learned that Owen’s team had been asked to play a short game at the intermission of the Boston Bruins Alumni vs Victoria (and area) Firefighters) charity game hosted by the Umbrella Society. Now, I had not thought that this would lead to anxiety because it’s for fun and we’re pretty good when things are just for fun. BUT…what I did think was “Jeez…this would be a good opportunity to spread the word about Buddy Check for Jesse“.

For those that don’t know about Buddy Check for Jesse, it’s an initiative that was started by the force that is Stu Gershman, in memory of his son Jesse Short-Gershman, who died by suicide. Stu started Buddy Check as a way to honour his son and help his other sons grieve and grow through the loss. Buddy check provides packages to hockey teams, with coaches notes, green (the color for mental illness) tape, posters, wallet cards and bracelets. Buddy check provides a way for coaches to discuss what it means to reach out to team members who may be struggling to support one another, how to check in on one another and what to look for. Buddy Check brings the topic of mental illness and mental health into the dressing room and I don’t think that’s ever been done before.

This “green tape” initiative made a HUGE impact on Owen. Huge. He even ran a campaign for Buddy Check and raised $2500 this year for them, which we were told will help fund about 85 teams. That’s 85 teams that get this information because of my son’s efforts. So, yeah…I’m kinda proud of that.

I digress.

With the Boston Bruins Alumni game happening last night, yesterday morning I thought “hey…I wonder if I can get the teams to put green tape on their sticks for the game?” It was last minute. But, I told my son my thought and the look on his face told me I HAD to make it happen.

A few posts to facebook, a few texts, a few emails, a few “please, please, please, please let me make this happen”. Then, a quick drive around town to get the green tape, promo material and all things Buddy Check for Jesse…and it was in the hands of the Grizzlies office. Thank you, Sheryl Williamson – I am forever grateful.

I had to walk away from the office and just hope it worked out.

We showed up at the game last night an hour early (kids playing at intermission show up early) and saw the Firefighters warming up. I was nervous to look at their sticks because…what if there was no tape? How would I explain to my kid that I didn’t make it happen? The pit in my stomach was huge.

I took a breath, looked up…and there was a sea of green. Almost every single firefighter had taped their stick. Right then and there I did a weird little hop of joy thing I do and had a little cry. I hugged my kid and said, “you are so important!”.

Then the Bruins came on the ice. Although not as many sticks were taped…SOME WERE…but you know what I saw? I saw the handles of sticks taped and I saw the tape used as sock tape…HOW AWESOME?!

The fact that the players learned about what the green tape stood for – sticking together to support mental health in sport – and they stood up and showed their support for this? Well, COME ON, how is a Mama NOT going to lose her ever-loving mind in gratitude. Super cool event alert – one of Owen’s coaches (thank you, Brandon Meyer!) explained to a guy with an inside track to meeting Ray Bourque that Owen was there and what the green tape stood for…and Ray Bourque said he’d meet my kiddo and we got this picture. Hello Ray Bourque!

I don’t even think a lot of the players understood how important this was. But for my son, who declared yesterday in the car as we were dropping the green tape to the Grizzlies office that Buddy Check for Jesse is “25% of his entire life”…this means something.

I support and advocate for Buddy Check for Jesse because it impacted our lives more than one could possibly ever know. And now, if I can help Stu and his team impact even one more child, the way that our family has been impacted, I will 100% do it. Every time.

To the players of the games last night – thank you. You may think what you did was very small, but please know that it wasn’t. It wasn’t at all. It showed this Mom (that’s me) that this is important and that I need to continue to fight for education and I need to continue to advocate for all the kids out there who might see a green stick and feel supported and heard…and not minimized.

I need to continue to push and spread the Buddy Check for Jesse word because what Stu and Buddy Check does matters more than I could have ever imagined. I need to keep shouting from the rooftop because the memory of Jesse means a lot and although I did not meet him, he is certainly a big part of my life and I know, I JUST KNOW, he’s looking down on all of this with pride. I can feel that.

The official Buddy Check for Jesse weekend is happening Oct. 26/27. Most South Island Atom, PeeWee and Bantam teams will receive packages AND because of donations through the BC Amateur Sport Fund, we can add even more teams to the 1100 already sponsored. If you’d like to donate to support a team, please do so…every $30 funds one team. PLEASE CLICK HERE to donate.

Long post. Sorry. It was kind of a big night and I’m a bit emotional. One last thank you to the Grizzlies for helping make this happen. Thanks to my Mom Hive who pointed me in the direction and thanks for the many hugs I received last night in support of my son and all the green tape out there. I’m not alone, and I have the hockey community to thank for it.

Also – Owen – you’re a fucking rockstar and I love you so very much.

The Importance of Buddy Check for Jesse for Our Family (and yours)

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Last night my son got to meet the man behind Buddy Check for Jesse. To say it was an emotional night would be an understatement. At least it was for me.

If you’re unfamiliar with Buddy Check for Jesse, it is an organization that brings mental health awareness to sport. Buddy Check is most known for the “Green Tape” initiative where kids tape their sticks with green (the color for mental illness) tape during the last week of October. It’s an incredible way to raise awareness and start conversations about mental illness – what it can look like, how to support, how to check on your friends, etc.

Most importantly was the message our coach talked about in the dressing room. The message of checking on your friends, of reaching out if you see someone struggling…of reaching out if you ARE struggling. It’s this message that created the environment in which my child could vocalize what he goes through and feel supported by his coach and his teammates. The green tape was a tool for the conversations. Now, every time Owen sees green tape, he feels supported thanks to the words of his coach.

Buddy Check for Jesse came into our lives last fall and it changed both my son’s and my life. It may seem like a fairly simple thing to do…tape a stick…but it was the conversations, the openness, the support received during this initiative that brought strength to both my son and me to speak out about what my son goes through (recently diagnosed with several types of anxiety and depression).

My son has always been open about talking about his mental illness – he does not know that this is uncommon – but Buddy Check seemed to really hit his heart and soul and light it on fire. He became braver, more vocal, more proud of overcoming his anxiety and – seemingly, more accepted.

Since the Green Tape initiative in October, Owen has talked openly about his mental illness as he battled hard all season. It was a very difficult season for us, but I believe he felt supported, accepted and honoured by his teammates and coaches. His openness to speak about what he goes through still humbles me and the messages he speaks constantly patch my heart back together and make me so very proud.

His main message: You’re not alone. You’re supported.

I mean…seriously. He’s 10.

During Owen’s 50 for 50 campaign to raise awareness for mental illness, we knew a large portion of the funds raised would go to Buddy Check for Jesse. Last night we were able to meet Stu and his wife and Owen donated $2500 to Stu and the work being done at Buddy Check for Jesse.

Last night I watched my son, shy at first, hand over his hard-earned money to a cause he truly believes in. As the evening progressed, I saw my son open up, be silly, and engage with Stu and Niki and I was just so proud. He even read an entire article OUT LOUD to them about how his dog helps him cope with his mental illness.

At one point Stu turned to me and said: “You’d never think he has a mental illness, would you?”. And we both just smiled at one another and shrugged our shoulders…because we know. We know mental illness looks like the kid or adult next door. The silly one, the quiet one, the loud one, the extrovert, the introvert, the sporty, the shy…mental illness does not “look” like anyone in particular.

In our case, it looks like a ridiculously kind, sweet, smart, funny, sometimes loud (aren’t they all?) 10-year old. For Stu, mental illness looked like a smart, kind, loving son. You simply cannot look at someone and know the battles they must wage to live the life they live.

Owen was given the gift of acceptance, grace and education through Buddy Check for Jesse and honestly, it was this initiative that helped me through an extremely difficult season. Knowing that there are many other parents out there advocating for their kids, knowing I wasn’t being judged, knowing that this is a big enough issue for someone out there to be fighting for awareness…I held that in my heart daily as we battled.

Owen was given gifts from Stu and Niki last night that took my breath away. I will keep those private, but I know Owen will cherish his gifts forever.

As we drove home from meeting Stu, on Jesse’s birthday, we had a bigger conversation about depression – a topic we haven’t discussed much. He had a lot of questions and I could see him grappling with the loss Stu and his family feel. Once again, we keep learning and growing because we talk about it. We talk and talk. I am honest and open with my son – hiding facts won’t help. So, he asked the questions I think he may have been nervous to ask before. I answered and I cried. When we got home, he was the one to come to me in our driveway and give me a hug.

My son is incredible. He battles 3-hour panic attacks, he makes it through “sad days” and he advocates for others to reach out and find support. He raised over $5000 to raise awareness for mental illness and he isn’t done. He wants to do more. So we will. Apparently forever.

The fact that my son, at 10, is using his own mental illness to let others know they aren’t alone, to raise money for organizations that help bring awareness and to not even think twice about sharing what he does – it humbles me and makes me want to be a better person for him.

Stu – Thank you. Out of tragedy and heartbreak, please know you’re helping so much. I am sorry for your loss, with my entire heart and soul – but we promise to continue to talk. We promise to educate and support and help as much as we can so others can find the light again. We will be here fighting our own battles all while drawing a sword to stand strong for others.

Owen, my son – you are the strongest person I know. I hope you know the strength and power you have inside you – but when you don’t – I’m here – arms wide, heart open and fighting for you.

Facts About Mental Illness that You Absolutely Need to Know

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With five days left of #PushingForAwareness, I continue to be humbled by my son and his non-stop desire to raise awareness for childhood mental illness.

He has done 50 pushups for 46 days now (well, he still needs to get his done today but to be fair, it’s currently 5:12 am, so I’ll give him some grace here) to raise awareness and funds for childhood mental illness. Throughout this campaign, he has raised over $4000 and with 5 days he is bound and determined to reach his goal of $5000.

To donate: https://fundly.com/50-for-50-pushup-challenge-for-childhood-mental-health-aware-50-for-50-pushups-challenge

After battling for over 4 years, my son was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, panic disorder and depression. He is 10 years old. He has officially called his mental illness “Dickson”. We hate Dickson.

Over the past 46 days of #PushingForAwareness I have learned a lot about mental illness and I thought I would share some of the most shocking stats I discovered.

Facts About Mental Illness:

  • 1 in 7 kids has a mental illness.
  • 1 in 5 actually gets the help they need.
  • 24% of all deaths in 15-24-year-olds are caused by suicide.
  • 49% of people who feel they have suffered from depression have never gone to a doctor.
  • On average, there has been a 188% increase in emergency room visits from 2007 to 2018 for ages 5 to 24 (229% increase for ages 5 – 9).
  • Untreated anxiety often leads to depression. Depression rarely (if ever) leads to anxiety.
  • 4.4 million kids have been diagnosed with anxiety, 1/3 of those have depression (32.5%).
  • 100% of Canadian will be affected by mental illness at some point in their life.
  • Mental illness is the #1 disability affecting people around the world. READ THAT AGAIN. NUMBER ONE.
  • 6% of the Canadian healthcare budget is dedicated to mental illness; that number should be closer to 30% to account for the people with disabilities and mental illnesses.

If you think that mental illness is not a “real” issue in this world, think again. The great thing? There is help now and if we get our kids help NOW, they may not have to battle their entire lives. If we get our children help NOW, they may not experience depression and the darkness that brings to their lives.

If we get our children help NOW, we’re arming them with tools and strategies to fight their illness with all they are. They may need medication, they may need strategies, they may need counseling…DO IT ALL.

My son wants you all to know that he will continue to push for awareness far after this campaign is done. He’s already asked what we are doing next to help…he has his mind set on creating “Dickson Sucks” sweatshirts…I kind of adore that idea.

We’re pretty damn bonded, this kid and I. xo
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I hope these facts are staggering to you. I hope these stats are eye-opening. I hope the friggin’ government reads this and all the other stats out there and opens their damn eyes to the help that is required for the people suffering who needn’t be suffering.

There is help. There are medications. There are people who can support mental illness. I’m one of them and I will fight Dickson beside my son until the day Dickson shrinks to a manageable size for my son or I die. I prefer the non-dying option.

If you have a child that you feel is suffering from anxiety, depression or any other mental illness, the best resource I’ve found is called FamilySmart. They put you in contact with a leader in your area that can help you navigate through the over-worked system that is mental health and find the resources available to you. Please reach out to them at www.familysmart.ca.