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Anyone Else Got a Case of the Blahs/Fatigue/Overwhelm/Grief/Hope?

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You know those moments when you don’t really know how you’re feeling so it’s like you’re feeling everything? I don’t know whether I’m depressed, covid-fatigued, life-overwhelmed, sad, missing my Mama, hopeful for our future or what…but damn…today I can’t seem to pinpoint how I’m feeling in this world.

I’ve spent the past two days trying to nail down my emotions and dive into my actual thoughts and feelings but I think what I really need to do is write it out. I haven’t written for awhile, so perhaps this is the therapy I need.

I write this for myself but, always an over-sharer, I’ll most likely post it on the blog for the haters to hate and lovers to love. I’ll listen to both because – well – I am who I am.

I hate Covid.
I hate the rules.
I hate not knowing what’s okay and what’s not.
I hate overthinking every tiny thing.
I hate my impatience.

I worry about peoples’ mental health.
I worry for my kids and their mental health.

I’m overwhelmed by all the emotions I go through each and every day.
I’m overwhelmed by all the emotions we ALL go through each and every day.

I ‘m done with the negativity.
I’m done with judgement.

I love science yet I worry about what’s right and wrong.

I miss faces.
I miss smiling at people.
I MISS HUGGING PEOPLE.
I miss my Mama.
I miss my Daddio.
I miss my ugly brothers.
I also miss traveling.

I love this extra time with my family.
It also drives us all banans.

I’m grateful to be healthy.
I’m grateful to be loved.
I’m grateful for good hair days.
I’m grateful for my daughter who randomly bakes the best cookies in the world.

I hate the days when I don’t feel anything.
I hate the days when I feel everything.

I’m hopeful for my son and the puzzle piece we’ve found.
I’m proud of my son’s strength and determination as he moves through middle school.

I’m hopeful for my daughter and the light she brings to this world.
I’m grateful for her loud love and all-encompassing support.

I’m sick of seeing people not following health orders and seeing the numbers go up.

I’m tired of the blame game.

I hate saying “no” to my kids when they ask for sleepovers.

I hate this fucking pandemic but am grateful for the lessons we’ve learned.

I love my family.
I love that our family is a team.
I love our mornings all together – ones we wouldn’t have if we were rushing off to get to work.
I love working from home.

I hate working from home.
I hate the bickering.
I hate reminding my kids to pick up their damn dishes.
I hate the monotonous day to day.

I dream of this being over.
I dream of all-inclusive trips to Mexico to restore and rest.
I dream of hugging my friends and family.
I dream of our girls weekend away with loads of cheese and wine, yoga and surfing.

I’m annoyed all the time.

I have little to no patience.

I have all the patience in the world.

I have no idea who I am any longer.

I know 100% who I am.

Phewf. See what I mean – ALL OVER THE MAP!

Can anyone relate? Just me? I wouldn’t think so.

So, I’ll end with this: I could have written all day long about the things I I’m grieving for, the love I feel, the overwhelm that rolls over me or the gratitude I cherish. So I guess in those moments we need to pause and remember that maybe we don’t have to analyze all the emotions all the time. Maybe, just maybe, we can give ourselves some grace and just…feel.

Let emotion swallow us for a moment. Wallow there. Then look for the light within…the light you need to make it through. Then, hold onto the light and let it beam out of your heart and into your soul – if only for a moment. Take those small moments of light and let them lead us through this into a better, more understanding, more compassionate place.

Or not.

Fuck if I know. Sheesh.

Dear Parents: This Sucks & We’ll Be Okay

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Pandemic.

Before March 2020, if you’d asked me what a pandemic was I would know that it was global, not awesome and pretty tragic. Now, in November 2020, 8 months into a pandemic I 100% know that a pandemic is global, not awesome and extremely tragic.

I’m sure I was taught about the Spanish Flue in Social Studies in my youth but it pretty much went in one ear and out the other – much like my knowledge of Canadian history, it isn’t something I’ve retained in this brain of mine. But, I’ve read about the Spanish Flu now and yup – that pandemic sucked, too.

Spanish Flu: 1918 – 1920

I was doing a comparison – because don’t we all love to compare our suffering to others – and I came up with: (buckle up, I’m about to blow your minds) pandemics suck no matter when they happen. Sure, times have changed – but overall – pandemics change our lives on a global scale whether they happend in 1918 or 2020 – pandemics are horrible, horrible things.

As a parent, I must say – Covid-19 can suck some big balls. We all have pandemic fatigue – we’re tired of the rules, masks, social distancing. We’re exhausted from trying to figure out if we can go in so-and-so’s house or figure out bubbles (and who knew a cute word like “bubble” could cause so much stress now?!) because the rules change so often.

Remember when we could just…go out? Drop by? HUG? I see people shake hands on t.v. and I instantly flinch and think “c’mon, man…COVID!”.

WTF, Lindsay – get it together.

I must say our kids are handling this whole thing well, aren’t they? For now. I mean – my house is a bit of a shitshow – we’re battling depression and anxiety – parents and kids – so it’s a slog of mental and physical health check-ins on the daily.

I digress.

Listen up, parents:

Yes, this sucks.
Yes, we all hate this.
Yes, the rules are hard to follow.
Yes, working from home is hard.
Yes, going to work is hard.
Yes, making dinner sucks.
Yes, laundry still sucks.
Yes, kids are needy right now.
Yes, we, as parents, are needy.
Yes, outbursts from your kids are normal.
Yes, outbursts from your soul are normal.
Yes, feeling sad and missing your old life is normal.
Yes, not hugging sucks in the most suckiest of all sucky ways.
Yes, parenting in a pandemic is really FUCKING HARD.
Yes, you can breakdown.
Yes, you can shower cry.
Yes, you DO have to pick yourself back up each and every day.
Yes, you HAVE to be strong.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES. You have to do it all.

But parents, we’re going to be okay.

Quick idea though – how about you show yourself and others a little compassion? A little grace? Emphasis on the “YOURSELF”.

We haven’t done this pandemic thing before. So – yell and rage if you need to, then pull yourself together by any and all means possible – and live the next day.

We’re all going to need A LOT of therapy after all this but I figure if at the end of the day you’re still alive, your kids are still alive and you managed to find joy in the mini-moments – we’re going to be okay.

Find your mini-moments, parents….those are the moments that are going to get us through this pandemic and make it all…just…okay.

The Importance of #GreenTape to Help Educate and Raise Awareness for Mental Illness

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I’m not even sure how to begin to write this post. So, I figure if I just let my heart speak, this will go okay.

As most of you know, my son Owen has a mental illness. After years of supporting my son as he battled massive panic attacks, I finally got him into our mental health system (more rage-writing required on that topic, but that’s not for this post) and with medication and a kickass counselor, he’s doing a lot better this year.

Don’t get me wrong. He battles every day. Every. Day. And how exhausting that must be for a 10-year old. But, the battles seem smaller and shorter and I think he is now able to catch his breath between fights. So…we’re winning. Well, we’re learning. We’re learning to battle smarter, stronger and quicker. We’re learning to shrink anxiety and call it out for its bully-ways.

All that to say…we’re doing better. But…we still battle. He doesn’t “look” like a kid that battles mental illness, does he? But…please know. He. Battles. Every. Day.

A few days ago I learned that Owen’s team had been asked to play a short game at the intermission of the Boston Bruins Alumni vs Victoria (and area) Firefighters) charity game hosted by the Umbrella Society. Now, I had not thought that this would lead to anxiety because it’s for fun and we’re pretty good when things are just for fun. BUT…what I did think was “Jeez…this would be a good opportunity to spread the word about Buddy Check for Jesse“.

For those that don’t know about Buddy Check for Jesse, it’s an initiative that was started by the force that is Stu Gershman, in memory of his son Jesse Short-Gershman, who died by suicide. Stu started Buddy Check as a way to honour his son and help his other sons grieve and grow through the loss. Buddy check provides packages to hockey teams, with coaches notes, green (the color for mental illness) tape, posters, wallet cards and bracelets. Buddy check provides a way for coaches to discuss what it means to reach out to team members who may be struggling to support one another, how to check in on one another and what to look for. Buddy Check brings the topic of mental illness and mental health into the dressing room and I don’t think that’s ever been done before.

This “green tape” initiative made a HUGE impact on Owen. Huge. He even ran a campaign for Buddy Check and raised $2500 this year for them, which we were told will help fund about 85 teams. That’s 85 teams that get this information because of my son’s efforts. So, yeah…I’m kinda proud of that.

I digress.

With the Boston Bruins Alumni game happening last night, yesterday morning I thought “hey…I wonder if I can get the teams to put green tape on their sticks for the game?” It was last minute. But, I told my son my thought and the look on his face told me I HAD to make it happen.

A few posts to facebook, a few texts, a few emails, a few “please, please, please, please let me make this happen”. Then, a quick drive around town to get the green tape, promo material and all things Buddy Check for Jesse…and it was in the hands of the Grizzlies office. Thank you, Sheryl Williamson – I am forever grateful.

I had to walk away from the office and just hope it worked out.

We showed up at the game last night an hour early (kids playing at intermission show up early) and saw the Firefighters warming up. I was nervous to look at their sticks because…what if there was no tape? How would I explain to my kid that I didn’t make it happen? The pit in my stomach was huge.

I took a breath, looked up…and there was a sea of green. Almost every single firefighter had taped their stick. Right then and there I did a weird little hop of joy thing I do and had a little cry. I hugged my kid and said, “you are so important!”.

Then the Bruins came on the ice. Although not as many sticks were taped…SOME WERE…but you know what I saw? I saw the handles of sticks taped and I saw the tape used as sock tape…HOW AWESOME?!

The fact that the players learned about what the green tape stood for – sticking together to support mental health in sport – and they stood up and showed their support for this? Well, COME ON, how is a Mama NOT going to lose her ever-loving mind in gratitude. Super cool event alert – one of Owen’s coaches (thank you, Brandon Meyer!) explained to a guy with an inside track to meeting Ray Bourque that Owen was there and what the green tape stood for…and Ray Bourque said he’d meet my kiddo and we got this picture. Hello Ray Bourque!

I don’t even think a lot of the players understood how important this was. But for my son, who declared yesterday in the car as we were dropping the green tape to the Grizzlies office that Buddy Check for Jesse is “25% of his entire life”…this means something.

I support and advocate for Buddy Check for Jesse because it impacted our lives more than one could possibly ever know. And now, if I can help Stu and his team impact even one more child, the way that our family has been impacted, I will 100% do it. Every time.

To the players of the games last night – thank you. You may think what you did was very small, but please know that it wasn’t. It wasn’t at all. It showed this Mom (that’s me) that this is important and that I need to continue to fight for education and I need to continue to advocate for all the kids out there who might see a green stick and feel supported and heard…and not minimized.

I need to continue to push and spread the Buddy Check for Jesse word because what Stu and Buddy Check does matters more than I could have ever imagined. I need to keep shouting from the rooftop because the memory of Jesse means a lot and although I did not meet him, he is certainly a big part of my life and I know, I JUST KNOW, he’s looking down on all of this with pride. I can feel that.

The official Buddy Check for Jesse weekend is happening Oct. 26/27. Most South Island Atom, PeeWee and Bantam teams will receive packages AND because of donations through the BC Amateur Sport Fund, we can add even more teams to the 1100 already sponsored. If you’d like to donate to support a team, please do so…every $30 funds one team. PLEASE CLICK HERE to donate.

Long post. Sorry. It was kind of a big night and I’m a bit emotional. One last thank you to the Grizzlies for helping make this happen. Thanks to my Mom Hive who pointed me in the direction and thanks for the many hugs I received last night in support of my son and all the green tape out there. I’m not alone, and I have the hockey community to thank for it.

Also – Owen – you’re a fucking rockstar and I love you so very much.

This First Day of School Has Made Me a Wreck

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Emotional post alert.

I’m a bit of a mess, to be honest. My oldest child started middle school today…and yes, while all you veteran Mamas who have done this before roll your eyes and tell me “you’ve been here, done it, got the sticker”…good for you.

I haven’t. This is my first rodeo.

I’m not overly emotional because my child is growing up. I’m not overly emotional because he’s going to a new school. I’m not even overly emotional because he is starting a whole new chapter of his life today.

No. I’m overly emotional today because today…was no big deal.

My son was diagnosed with multiple types of anxiety and depression a few months ago. I saw him wage wars on himself that broke my heart into pieces. But, I picked them up, glued them back together, supported my son and battled some more. Rinse and repeat. For months. Years, if I’m being truly honest

For the past few months, I’ve wondered:

Is he getting better?
Does he seem happier?
Did he just beat anxiety there?
I wonder if this is worth it?
Is counselling too much for him?
Should I increases/decrease his meds?
What else should I be doing?
How else can I support him?

IS HE GETTING BETTER?

You see, when your child has a mental illness, you never really know when the next episode will hit. You never know if he will wake in the morning and have a “Sad Day”, or if one sentence you say will start the wheels of his anxiety machine and create a panic attack.

And, as a newly diagnosed illness, to be honest, my faith in treatments gets a little clouded by my own stress resulting from being a Support Warrior. His battles are my battles…but I’ve felt like my armour may be a little cracked right now and I was wondering if I could handle the battles and wars that come with September.

For weeks I’ve been watching for nerves, anxiety, worry. We had a sad day a few weeks ago and I instantly thought “Oh shit…here we go”.

But I was wrong.

You see, my son…he is a fucking warrior. He has worked SO HARD over the summer to learn strategies to fight on his own, to battle his illness and stand tall. He had many counselling sessions that left him pale and drained, with his heart seemingly as broken as mine on his sleeve for all to see.

He’s done the HARD WORK that most adults don’t or won’t do…he’s worked harder than anyone I’ve ever seen work at learning to live with mental illness.

Let’s all please remember that he is 10 years old.

So yeah, I’ve been watching. Only to be told he’s excited to go to school. Over and over. He’s excited. Not nervous. “Relax, Mom. I can’t wait”.

So, today he woke, snuggled his dog…and went to school. No nerves. No anxiety. Or if there were some, he battled on his own and walked away from me without looking back.

He was the calmest I’ve ever seen him. He was the most confident I’ve ever seen him.

Perhaps this will change throughout the year and I KNOW we will continue to battle…but oh wow…the relief and emotions that are running through this Mama’s body right now are incredible.

I’m so proud of my son on his first day of middle school. He’s battled and won. He’s fought and today…I can say he is triumphant in who he is and I am incredibly proud and in awe of how strong and capable he has become.

So yeah… the first day of school…was emotional for this Mama.

For all you emotional Mamas out there…I’m with you. Watching our children grow is an honour, for sure…but every step sure does make your heart crack a little…then it repairs and builds and gets stronger. It’s incredible. Whether your child has a mental illness or not, watching them enter a new phase of life is terrifying, yes, but it’s also pride-inspiring and joyful.

Stand tall, Mamas. You’re doing a great job. Keep going. xo

#PushingForAwareness – Update on our Campaign to Raise Awareness for Childhood Mental Illness

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Well, we did it. We made it 50 days and we completed 50 pushups on each and every day of the campaign. There were certainly days when we did not want to get up, go live on Facebook and do our pushups. So. Many. Times. But, we did them anyway. Why? Because my son made us. LOL.

The purpose of this campaign was to raise money to help raise awareness for childhood mental illness. We do realize pushups won’t do a thing, but this campaign certainly did.

The final total raised was $5325.

With processing fees, my son has $5165 to divvy up between the four organizations we were raising money for. He has yet to decide how he wants to divvy it up just yet and seems to be putting a lot of time into figuring it out. I will not push him to make this decision but promise to update you all as soon as he comes up with a plan.

I must admit that I was a little concerned on Day 50 when we had over $1000 to raise to reach our goal of $5000, but as always, this incredible community came through and we exceeded our goal. The moment we reached our goal, I *may* have had a little cry when I hugged my son and told him he did it.

The moment we hit $5000 in our campaign #PushingForAwareness

From there, I couldn’t stop crying for about an hour. Quiet, silent tears…but still there. Still rolling down my face. I’m not sure why I was so emotional, but I believe, for the most part, it was because in that moment, I felt like my son was more supported than ever before.

I don’t think he understands the magnitude of what he’s accomplished but I think after reading him some of the comments from Facebook, the articles written about him and some of the emails I’ve received about his campaign…he may be getting it.

If you’ve sent Owen a note or left a beautiful comment for him, please know he’s been read them or he’s read them himself. He’s very proud of the articles from Blackpress and I’d like to thank Kendra Crighton for connecting and writing such awesome pieces.

The big question from my son now is:

“How do we keep raising awareness?”

This kid. Raising $5000 wasn’t enough…he would like to keep going and he’s requested we sell sweatshirts with all proceeds going to an organization that educates about mental illness. We will decide on one organization for this…and I will keep you posted on when and where you can buy your sweatshirt.

We have battled mental illness during this entire campaign. I’ve been exhausted at times and on top of the world at others. I’ve had to battle beside my kid on the hard days and I’ve reached for support and love during those times. Thank you to those around me who continue to support both my son and I.

The reality is…we’re not done. We have many battles to fight yet (though they will get fewer, I hope) but with the strength of this community and the support shown to our family…I have the strength to do absolutely anything.

To our fundraisers who signed up to do 50 pushups for 50 days and helped us raise over $5000…THANK YOU. Thank you for posting to Facebook and for talking about mental illness with your friends and family.

Celebrating our $5k goal! A family affair…just missing Dad (working…cuz someone has to).

To the 90+ people who donated to our campaign…THANK YOU. Achieving our goal has been an incredible confidence boost and I feel even more strongly about continuing on and forcing the issue.

Education is key and I refuse to remain quiet.

Most importantly, I am beyond proud of my son for using his voice to educate, to stand up and to tell the world that he may have a mental illness but that doesn’t define him…HE defines him. And HE is enough just as he is.

He is strong, courageous, smart and has more kindness in his pinky than a lot of people have in their entire body. Mental illness does not define my son…his brain, his fortitude, his silliness and his fun 10-year-old-boy personality defines him. Mental illness is just a part of who he is. Some days we hate it. But, most days…we honor it.

Because of anxiety and depression, my son is the person he is and I would never EVER EVER change a thing about him. Ever.

Please keep #PushingForAwareness. It’s important. #EndTheStigma.