You know those moments when you don’t really know how you’re feeling so it’s like you’re feeling everything? I don’t know whether I’m depressed, covid-fatigued, life-overwhelmed, sad, missing my Mama, hopeful for our future or what…but damn…today I can’t seem to pinpoint how I’m feeling in this world.
I’ve spent the past two days trying to nail down my emotions and dive into my actual thoughts and feelings but I think what I really need to do is write it out. I haven’t written for awhile, so perhaps this is the therapy I need.
I write this for myself but, always an over-sharer, I’ll most likely post it on the blog for the haters to hate and lovers to love. I’ll listen to both because – well – I am who I am.
I hate Covid.
I hate the rules.
I hate not knowing what’s okay and what’s not.
I hate overthinking every tiny thing.
I hate my impatience.
I worry about peoples’ mental health.
I worry for my kids and their mental health.
I’m overwhelmed by all the emotions I go through each and every day.
I’m overwhelmed by all the emotions we ALL go through each and every day.
I ‘m done with the negativity.
I’m done with judgement.
I love science yet I worry about what’s right and wrong.
I miss faces.
I miss smiling at people.
I MISS HUGGING PEOPLE.
I miss my Mama.
I miss my Daddio.
I miss my ugly brothers.
I also miss traveling.
I love this extra time with my family.
It also drives us all banans.
I’m grateful to be healthy.
I’m grateful to be loved.
I’m grateful for good hair days.
I’m grateful for my daughter who randomly bakes the best cookies in the world.
I hate the days when I don’t feel anything.
I hate the days when I feel everything.
I’m hopeful for my son and the puzzle piece we’ve found.
I’m proud of my son’s strength and determination as he moves through middle school.
I’m hopeful for my daughter and the light she brings to this world.
I’m grateful for her loud love and all-encompassing support.
I’m sick of seeing people not following health orders and seeing the numbers go up.
I’m tired of the blame game.
I hate saying “no” to my kids when they ask for sleepovers.
I hate this fucking pandemic but am grateful for the lessons we’ve learned.
I love my family.
I love that our family is a team.
I love our mornings all together – ones we wouldn’t have if we were rushing off to get to work.
I love working from home.
I hate working from home.
I hate the bickering.
I hate reminding my kids to pick up their damn dishes.
I hate the monotonous day to day.
I dream of this being over.
I dream of all-inclusive trips to Mexico to restore and rest.
I dream of hugging my friends and family.
I dream of our girls weekend away with loads of cheese and wine, yoga and surfing.
I’m annoyed all the time.
I have little to no patience.
I have all the patience in the world.
I have no idea who I am any longer.
I know 100% who I am.
Phewf. See what I mean – ALL OVER THE MAP!
Can anyone relate? Just me? I wouldn’t think so.
So, I’ll end with this: I could have written all day long about the things I I’m grieving for, the love I feel, the overwhelm that rolls over me or the gratitude I cherish. So I guess in those moments we need to pause and remember that maybe we don’t have to analyze all the emotions all the time. Maybe, just maybe, we can give ourselves some grace and just…feel.
Let emotion swallow us for a moment. Wallow there. Then look for the light within…the light you need to make it through. Then, hold onto the light and let it beam out of your heart and into your soul – if only for a moment. Take those small moments of light and let them lead us through this into a better, more understanding, more compassionate place.
Fuck if I know. Sheesh.
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