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What You Should Know About Coaching a Child with Anxiety

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Let me preface this article with the fact that I am not a psychiatrist, psychologist or counsellor. These are my opinions based on battling mental illness alongside my son for the past 4.5 years. I will also add that these are knowledge nuggets applicable to my child. While he has mental illness on a greater scale than some and a lesser scale than others, I believe these few tips may help all coaches should they experience the honour of working with a kid with mental illness.

Why is working with a kid with mental illness an honour? I may be a little biased, but if you have a child with mental illness on your bench (there will be a lot of hockey references, as that as my child’s sport of choice for the most part – but would be applicable to most sports), you have a kid that fights to be there. You have a kid that truly wants to participate. Otherwise, they’d be home and not fighting for their life to play with their team. If you have a kid like that – that’s an honour and one I hope you don’t overlook.

One more thing before we get started – and this is critical – mental illness has no “face”…you cannot tell what a child may be going through – so if something seems different, ask.

Because this is the face of anxiety:

This is the face of anxiety:

And this is the face of anxiety:

Now…let’s begin…

1. Don’t be scared.

My son and I are very open about his mental illness. I truly understand what a gift that is from him. His openness to communicate about what he goes through allows exceptional awareness and education to those around him. Please don’t start immediately worrying that he’s a bomb about to go off as soon as you hear “the news”.

He’s not. Well…he is…but we have strategies to help him. If you find out a child on your bench has a mental illness, try to fend off the stigma you may have surrounding it and learn more. Which brings me to…

2. Trust the player’s parents.

With my son’s openness about his anxiety and panic disorder, we have pretty incredible communication with his coaches, teammates and parents. We both recognize that when you learn that he battles anxiety, it may be somewhat intimidating for you.

Let me help you. Anxiety, which may lead to panic attacks can look quite different for every child. Some kids may come off as loud and obnoxious. Some kids may become very quiet. For some kids, like my child, it’s far more visible. For my son, he hyperventilates, shifts his body back and forth, cries, often times he yells, sometimes he throws a glove (but that’s when it’s just him and I) and in that state, there is no reasoning with him. He is very busy “fighting tigers” in his brain.

So, trust the parents of the child battling to know what to do. They most likely have years of living with their child battling anxiety and know what to do. If they ask you to do something – do it. If they ask you to not do something – don’t do it. It’s that simple.

You MUST communicate with your player’s parents. We may ask you to check in with them. We may ask you to give them a fist bump. Or we may ask you stay away for a few minutes. Please know – at that moment – we are very focused on our child and we know exactly what they need, or to be as honest and open as possible, we sure hope we know what we’re doing.

Keep communication wiiiiiiiiiide open. Always.

3. Please know they want to be there.

This one is a toughie for most anyone to understand. When people see my child in the middle of a panic attack, I see the judgment. I see you watching us and thinking “WTH is wrong with that kid?” “If he wants to get on the ice, why doesn’t he just get on the ice?”. Or, “why doesn’t he just go home if this is so hard”?

Good question. Short answer – he really truly wants to get on that bloody ice but at that moment, anxiety has taken control and his brain won’t actually let him.

He wants to be there or he wouldn’t be fighting so hard.

One of the “best” things my son does is “allow” himself to panic anywhere. Although it truly suuuuuuucks, it allows people (coaches, parents, teammates) to see just what he is up against. He will yell things like:

“DON’T YOU THINK I WANT TO BE OUT THERE?”
“I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO BE OUT THERE RIGHT NOW”
“YOU WOULDN’T LAST A DAY IF YOU HAD TO LIVE THE LIFE I LIVE!”

And you know what? He’s right. He battles hard to get on that ice every single time. Every time he does step foot onto the ice, he gives me a shimmy-shake to let me know he’s okay. I live for those shimmy-shakes.

If you ever question if one of your players battling anxiety wants to be there – they do. Some days anxiety wins and we don’t manage to overcome. Some days (most day now after a lot of hard work) my son wins and he hits the ice, shimmy-shakes, and it is GAME ON.

4. Don’t baby them.

There may be a tendency to hold back on coaching a child with anxiety/panic disorder. I get that. You’ve just seen him panic for 15 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour – however long the attack went on. But, if the player wins the battle – give them a bop on the head, tell them you’re so happy to have them on the ice – and PUT THEM TO WORK.

Exercise and distraction, baby – they’re your best friends when it comes to coaching a child with a mental illness. Exercise to release hormones and distraction to well – distract the brain.

Don’t ever, ever baby them. Sure, your tone may need to be a little different. But the expectation of hard work, completing drills and being on the same level as other players – that’s critical. Don’t treat them differently. Sure, they just ran a marathon during their panic attack – but they’re there, so make them work.

5. Show compassion, give them a job, make them laugh.

I often get asked by coaches what they can do to help my son. The above three tasks would help immensely. Acknowledge how terrible what he just went through was. It helps to know you saw it, don’t ignore it, say something like – “Yow! That was something! I’m soooooooo happy you’re here!”. Tell him you’re proud to have him there, then get him to do something. Again – jobs distract. It helps a ton.

Once I have my son on the ice, if you acknowledge that he’s a rockstar and give him a job, we’re usually good to go. Make him laugh, be silly, bop him on the head, pretend to trip him – all those things – distraction and a release of joy for him help. Making him laugh is a huuuuuuuge help. Be silly. Be fun – if only for a moment.

The above three things are critical to you helping a player with anxiety.

6. Please don’t ask us to put our child in a place we know they will fail.

This goes back to trusting the parents again, but I felt it needed its own section. If we know a team photo will cause a panic attack – please don’t ask us to ask them to do it. Because they’ll trip into panic and set off an attack.

If we know asking them to wear new socks will cause a panic attack. Please don’t ask us to do it. Because we’re setting the player up for failure if we do and in the end, the player has to battle and the parent will feel like a terrible parent for weeks because she should have stood up for her son.

So, if a parent says “if you ask me to ask them to do this, it’ll cause a panic attack” – know we don’t say that lightly. Know that we know our child better than anyone else. Ask yourself if what you’re asking of the child is TRULY critical, or if it’s a “nice-to-have”. If it’s critical, I will work with my child, battle the panic attack, win and then feel guilty that I put him through that for weeks. If it is not critical… please, please, please don’t ask us to ask our child what it is you want. Let it go.

7. Help educate your team.

There’s a great initiative that started in BC called Buddy Check for Jesse. There are resources and coaches notes on the Buddy Check website on how to talk to your team about mental health challenges. I strongly suggest you go to the website, download the resources and talk to your entire team in the dressing room about what it means to be a good teammate both on and off the ice.

This doesn’t have to be a huge speech, a little education goes a long, long way.

And, it goes without saying – probably best to not point out the child who battles mental illness – LOL. Most of the team will be well aware of the child that has attacks like my child has – but other kids may battle silently and it sure would be nice for those quiet kids to know that they are also supported by their coach and teammates.

8. Last but not least – give yourself a break.

If coaching a player with a mental illness is new to you – be kind to yourself. You’re going to question what you did that may have created a panic attack. You’re going to question if you provided enough support. You’re going to question if getting them on the ice was the right thing. You’re going to question anything that creates a reaction from the player who battles.

As a parent who has had incredible coaches for my son but who has also had coaches who have worked with my son and who just don’t quite “get it” just yet…if you’re at least trying to understand, I am grateful. ANYTHING you try to do to help our child deserves our gratitude, our praise and our respect.

You’re going to feel like you’ve failed your player at some point, I guarantee it. You’re going to feel like you could have done something better, different, with better results, with more compassion. Please know you couldn’t have. You did the best you could at the moment you had – YOU tried to understand.

As a parent, if I see a coach TRY to understand my child, TRY to encourage him, TRY to understand what he goes through – you get a gold star for coaching.

The player may sometimes be able to tell you what they need. But some times they may not be able to tell you. Rely on the parents then. We are their safe place – as are you – but we have been working with them a little longer. Trust your gut.

The best tip I have for you, Coaches, is to keep communication open between yourself, the player and the players’ parents.

And always, always, always ask questions should you have them.

Hey, Coaches – you are THE BOMB. You have the power to change the way kids and youth view mental illness in sport. YOU have that power. I hope you take an opportunity to learn more because if you haven’t already, at some point in your coaching career you will absolutely, 100%, positively meet a child battling and they are going to need you, as will their parents.

How Buddy Check for Jesse Saved Our Family Through Green Tape & Conversation

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Our journey with Buddy Check for Jesse started a year ago. It was one moment in time, one talk in the hockey dressing room, one game with green tape…and it changed the entire course of my son’s and my life.

If you haven’t read about our first experience with Buddy Check, please CLICK HERE and read that article first (I swear, it’s a good one).

Quick background: My son has been battling panic attacks since grade two. Thankfully we had an amazing teaching (forever grateful to Shaye Sanford) who identified his behaviour and asked if maybe, perhaps, have you ever wondered: “do you think he may have anxiety?”.

This is the face of anxiety – FYI – anxiety doesn’t “look” like anything in particular.

From there we battled. We met with counsellors, got on waitlists, were told he wasn’t “sick enough” yet. For years. His panic attacks worsened. They lengthened and they became more frequent. My son, fairly open about his anxiety, always asked me to talk to his coaches and let them know what was happening and what they could do.

So, I always have. We are brutally open about his anxiety and his panic attacks. It scares some people, but I figure…get over it and learn how to help. It’s not about you, it’s about illness and my son and how you can help coach a child who may need to be coached with understanding…so let me help you support my son.

Our coach last year was the best coach ever in the history of all coaches. His Buddy Check talk in the dressing room – about how to support one another, how to reach out, what to look for – was the best ever. He spoke about mental health challenges and how to be a safe place for your friends and family. Me? I was a weeping wreck as I listened…because this was the first time EVER I’d heard a coach talk about mental illness and how to support someone…let alone in a stinky hockey dressing room.

It was freakin’ incredible.

That moment changed our lives. From that moment, I had more courage to talk about my son’s battles. I received more support from the parents. My son received more support and understanding from his teammates. And, he continued to open up and talk, talk, talk about his mental illness.

His anxiety led to depression and although he spoke about his anxiety, he continued to battle…hard. He experienced 5-7 panic attacks that lasted 2-3 hours every week. He battled. And that, well now…that will fatigue a nervous system and eventually, it led to depression.

Finally “sick enough”, we managed to get him in to see a psychiatrist and he was officially diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses.

As he fought to recover from his illnesses, he began to focus on how to further educate about mental illness, how to further help people understand to not fear what he has to go through…and his focus went to Buddy Check for Jesse. He loves everything Stu Gershman created in loving memory of his son, Jesse Short-Gershman.

He raised $2500 for Buddy Check this year and continues to raise money through the sales of his t-shirts and hoodies (more info on how to support that HERE).

But, Buddy Check didn’t just help my son. It helped our entire family. Buddy Check was the platform that my son was able to stand on and have a purpose. He claims that Buddy Check is 25% of his life. It means that much to him and he continues to raise awareness for it.

For me…I used to quietly battle on my own, but since Buddy Check, I know I have a support system. I continue to educate…and frustratingly, sometimes my words fall on deaf ears, but I will continue to force the issue.

Buddy Check opened conversations in our family. It opened doorways to healing. It opened acceptance to lean. It opened a willingness to take a breath, accept what is, battle stronger and recover quicker.

You’re asking…seriously…one little speech in one little dressing room by one coach did all that? And I can, 100%, say yes. Yes, it did.

Last year, Buddy Check for Jesse packages were given to about 200 teams. This year, they were able to provide packages to over 1100 teams. CAN YOU IMAGINE the impact they are having right now? The Buddy Check for Jesse weekend wrapped up last weekend and it was a sea of green at most of the Bantam and PeeWee teams across BC, as well as some other province, per their request. There were also some Atom teams involved, as well!.

Stu – you’ve become a dear friend of mine and I am so honoured to help spread the good work you’re doing in any way, shape or form that I can. What you and your family have had to endure is heart-breaking and I cry with you. But, I also fight. I fight beside you and I will help bring this incredible initiative to the masses.

Because, Stu…you saved my family in more ways than you could ever possibly imagine. I am not alone. My son is recovering. We all have a purpose. And it is ALL because of green tape and short talk in a stinky hockey dressing room.

Jesse, I didn’t have the honour of meeting you but you are locked in my heart forever. I will support your family to spread the work and education that is being done in your memory as best I can. You mean a great deal to me and my family – and for that I will push and fight and battle for you.

#BuddyCheckforJesse – thank you.

For for more information on Buddy Check for Jesse, please go to www.buddycheckforjess.com.

To purchase one of Owen’s “Anxiety” hoodies or t-shirts, please CLICK HERE.

The Importance of #GreenTape to Help Educate and Raise Awareness for Mental Illness

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I’m not even sure how to begin to write this post. So, I figure if I just let my heart speak, this will go okay.

As most of you know, my son Owen has a mental illness. After years of supporting my son as he battled massive panic attacks, I finally got him into our mental health system (more rage-writing required on that topic, but that’s not for this post) and with medication and a kickass counselor, he’s doing a lot better this year.

Don’t get me wrong. He battles every day. Every. Day. And how exhausting that must be for a 10-year old. But, the battles seem smaller and shorter and I think he is now able to catch his breath between fights. So…we’re winning. Well, we’re learning. We’re learning to battle smarter, stronger and quicker. We’re learning to shrink anxiety and call it out for its bully-ways.

All that to say…we’re doing better. But…we still battle. He doesn’t “look” like a kid that battles mental illness, does he? But…please know. He. Battles. Every. Day.

A few days ago I learned that Owen’s team had been asked to play a short game at the intermission of the Boston Bruins Alumni vs Victoria (and area) Firefighters) charity game hosted by the Umbrella Society. Now, I had not thought that this would lead to anxiety because it’s for fun and we’re pretty good when things are just for fun. BUT…what I did think was “Jeez…this would be a good opportunity to spread the word about Buddy Check for Jesse“.

For those that don’t know about Buddy Check for Jesse, it’s an initiative that was started by the force that is Stu Gershman, in memory of his son Jesse Short-Gershman, who died by suicide. Stu started Buddy Check as a way to honour his son and help his other sons grieve and grow through the loss. Buddy check provides packages to hockey teams, with coaches notes, green (the color for mental illness) tape, posters, wallet cards and bracelets. Buddy check provides a way for coaches to discuss what it means to reach out to team members who may be struggling to support one another, how to check in on one another and what to look for. Buddy Check brings the topic of mental illness and mental health into the dressing room and I don’t think that’s ever been done before.

This “green tape” initiative made a HUGE impact on Owen. Huge. He even ran a campaign for Buddy Check and raised $2500 this year for them, which we were told will help fund about 85 teams. That’s 85 teams that get this information because of my son’s efforts. So, yeah…I’m kinda proud of that.

I digress.

With the Boston Bruins Alumni game happening last night, yesterday morning I thought “hey…I wonder if I can get the teams to put green tape on their sticks for the game?” It was last minute. But, I told my son my thought and the look on his face told me I HAD to make it happen.

A few posts to facebook, a few texts, a few emails, a few “please, please, please, please let me make this happen”. Then, a quick drive around town to get the green tape, promo material and all things Buddy Check for Jesse…and it was in the hands of the Grizzlies office. Thank you, Sheryl Williamson – I am forever grateful.

I had to walk away from the office and just hope it worked out.

We showed up at the game last night an hour early (kids playing at intermission show up early) and saw the Firefighters warming up. I was nervous to look at their sticks because…what if there was no tape? How would I explain to my kid that I didn’t make it happen? The pit in my stomach was huge.

I took a breath, looked up…and there was a sea of green. Almost every single firefighter had taped their stick. Right then and there I did a weird little hop of joy thing I do and had a little cry. I hugged my kid and said, “you are so important!”.

Then the Bruins came on the ice. Although not as many sticks were taped…SOME WERE…but you know what I saw? I saw the handles of sticks taped and I saw the tape used as sock tape…HOW AWESOME?!

The fact that the players learned about what the green tape stood for – sticking together to support mental health in sport – and they stood up and showed their support for this? Well, COME ON, how is a Mama NOT going to lose her ever-loving mind in gratitude. Super cool event alert – one of Owen’s coaches (thank you, Brandon Meyer!) explained to a guy with an inside track to meeting Ray Bourque that Owen was there and what the green tape stood for…and Ray Bourque said he’d meet my kiddo and we got this picture. Hello Ray Bourque!

I don’t even think a lot of the players understood how important this was. But for my son, who declared yesterday in the car as we were dropping the green tape to the Grizzlies office that Buddy Check for Jesse is “25% of his entire life”…this means something.

I support and advocate for Buddy Check for Jesse because it impacted our lives more than one could possibly ever know. And now, if I can help Stu and his team impact even one more child, the way that our family has been impacted, I will 100% do it. Every time.

To the players of the games last night – thank you. You may think what you did was very small, but please know that it wasn’t. It wasn’t at all. It showed this Mom (that’s me) that this is important and that I need to continue to fight for education and I need to continue to advocate for all the kids out there who might see a green stick and feel supported and heard…and not minimized.

I need to continue to push and spread the Buddy Check for Jesse word because what Stu and Buddy Check does matters more than I could have ever imagined. I need to keep shouting from the rooftop because the memory of Jesse means a lot and although I did not meet him, he is certainly a big part of my life and I know, I JUST KNOW, he’s looking down on all of this with pride. I can feel that.

The official Buddy Check for Jesse weekend is happening Oct. 26/27. Most South Island Atom, PeeWee and Bantam teams will receive packages AND because of donations through the BC Amateur Sport Fund, we can add even more teams to the 1100 already sponsored. If you’d like to donate to support a team, please do so…every $30 funds one team. PLEASE CLICK HERE to donate.

Long post. Sorry. It was kind of a big night and I’m a bit emotional. One last thank you to the Grizzlies for helping make this happen. Thanks to my Mom Hive who pointed me in the direction and thanks for the many hugs I received last night in support of my son and all the green tape out there. I’m not alone, and I have the hockey community to thank for it.

Also – Owen – you’re a fucking rockstar and I love you so very much.

This First Day of School Has Made Me a Wreck

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Emotional post alert.

I’m a bit of a mess, to be honest. My oldest child started middle school today…and yes, while all you veteran Mamas who have done this before roll your eyes and tell me “you’ve been here, done it, got the sticker”…good for you.

I haven’t. This is my first rodeo.

I’m not overly emotional because my child is growing up. I’m not overly emotional because he’s going to a new school. I’m not even overly emotional because he is starting a whole new chapter of his life today.

No. I’m overly emotional today because today…was no big deal.

My son was diagnosed with multiple types of anxiety and depression a few months ago. I saw him wage wars on himself that broke my heart into pieces. But, I picked them up, glued them back together, supported my son and battled some more. Rinse and repeat. For months. Years, if I’m being truly honest

For the past few months, I’ve wondered:

Is he getting better?
Does he seem happier?
Did he just beat anxiety there?
I wonder if this is worth it?
Is counselling too much for him?
Should I increases/decrease his meds?
What else should I be doing?
How else can I support him?

IS HE GETTING BETTER?

You see, when your child has a mental illness, you never really know when the next episode will hit. You never know if he will wake in the morning and have a “Sad Day”, or if one sentence you say will start the wheels of his anxiety machine and create a panic attack.

And, as a newly diagnosed illness, to be honest, my faith in treatments gets a little clouded by my own stress resulting from being a Support Warrior. His battles are my battles…but I’ve felt like my armour may be a little cracked right now and I was wondering if I could handle the battles and wars that come with September.

For weeks I’ve been watching for nerves, anxiety, worry. We had a sad day a few weeks ago and I instantly thought “Oh shit…here we go”.

But I was wrong.

You see, my son…he is a fucking warrior. He has worked SO HARD over the summer to learn strategies to fight on his own, to battle his illness and stand tall. He had many counselling sessions that left him pale and drained, with his heart seemingly as broken as mine on his sleeve for all to see.

He’s done the HARD WORK that most adults don’t or won’t do…he’s worked harder than anyone I’ve ever seen work at learning to live with mental illness.

Let’s all please remember that he is 10 years old.

So yeah, I’ve been watching. Only to be told he’s excited to go to school. Over and over. He’s excited. Not nervous. “Relax, Mom. I can’t wait”.

So, today he woke, snuggled his dog…and went to school. No nerves. No anxiety. Or if there were some, he battled on his own and walked away from me without looking back.

He was the calmest I’ve ever seen him. He was the most confident I’ve ever seen him.

Perhaps this will change throughout the year and I KNOW we will continue to battle…but oh wow…the relief and emotions that are running through this Mama’s body right now are incredible.

I’m so proud of my son on his first day of middle school. He’s battled and won. He’s fought and today…I can say he is triumphant in who he is and I am incredibly proud and in awe of how strong and capable he has become.

So yeah… the first day of school…was emotional for this Mama.

For all you emotional Mamas out there…I’m with you. Watching our children grow is an honour, for sure…but every step sure does make your heart crack a little…then it repairs and builds and gets stronger. It’s incredible. Whether your child has a mental illness or not, watching them enter a new phase of life is terrifying, yes, but it’s also pride-inspiring and joyful.

Stand tall, Mamas. You’re doing a great job. Keep going. xo

NEW WORKOUT! 21 & Done Full-Body Workout: Challenge Teaser

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Here’s a super fun, quick little workout that will get your heart rate up, your muscles burning and your smile…smiling!

With the launch of my new challenge, 21 & Done Upper Body Challenge, starting on Monday, I wanted to give you a little taste of what is involved. Although the challenge starting Monday is focused solely on upper body toning and strength, and this workout definitely isn’t… the “21 pushups and you’re done” gives you a small hint as to what you’re in for in the upcoming challenge!

Have you signed up for the 21-Day Upper Body Challenge yet? If not…don’t wait…I’m over 50% SOLD OUT! CLICK HERE to sign up!

Now, onto the workout:

Set your timer for 2:10, press start. Begin with Block 1 – go through the 3 exercises as many times as possible in the 2:10 alotted. Then…do 21 pushups and you’re done Block 1. Move on to Block 2 and repeat for blocks 2, 3 and 4!

Fun, right?

21 pushups and DONE! Get it? Get it? 21 and DONE! YAY!

Ta da! You game?

Also, don’t forget to get yourself registered for my 21 & Done Upper Body Challenge and get ready for 21 Days of strengthening and toning your upper body. Again, the above workout is NOT what the daily challenges will look like…just a small hint!

YAY!

21 days of accountability, support, muscle toning, random giveaways, fun, silliness, love and awesomeness.