Oh, summer. I already miss you. I do. I mean, it had its struggles but…looking back as I’m in the shit of September, I truly miss you with all I am.

All summer long I heard Mamas around the globe say: “I can’t wait until September!”, “September can’t come soon enough!”, “I just gotta make it to September!”. I get it. Routine is back. Your kids are back to school. You have some structure. It’s not so hot. The fires are out (for the most part) and life is back to “normal”.

But, in all the glory that is September, does no one actually remember what a shitshow this month really is?! It’s a mother f**king gong show. 

Money, money, money.

Everyone wants a piece of my money tree.

• It’s not just school supplies anymore, is it?! Your kids probably grew 8 feet over the summer, so no “fall” clothing will fit. A new wardrobe is in order. And hey, if your kids are getting older, there’s the fun time of them actually caring what they wear, so you have the added benefit of shopping with your children (*shudder*). That’s always a load of special fun that typically ends in eye-rolling (them), tears (all of us) and a bottle of wine (me) in the evening.
• Hot lunch money – here you go! Swoosh…I swear I had money in the account earlier today…”NOT ANYMORE!”, shout the PAC! (no offense PAC…I love and adore the work you do!). 
• Did you register your kids for their sports yet? Cuz…see ya later money. I’ll miss you.
• Birthday parties. You’re going to need money for all the freaking birthdays that are in September…because many of you dirty birds had winter fever back in December/January and it seems like every single freakin’ kid was born in September! (er…my son’s is in October…so…um…I get it.)
• And honestly, the list goes on and the e-transfers keep happening. 

Back to Routine = Tired Kids

Does no one remember how flippin’ cranky and tired our kids are when they go back to school?! They’ve just had 2 months of summertime fun! Late nights, sleeping in (for some of you…not in our house, because my kids Just. Don’t. Sleep. In!), slower mornings and lazy days. Days are now packed with social stimulation, brain work, sports, playdates and trying to fit it all it.

Kids are EXHAUSTED in September. Kids are ASSHOLES in September. 

I said it. Agree or disagree. I stand by the above statement.

Germs, Lice & All the Gross Things

Remember summer? When no one was sick and your scalp didn’t itch at the thought of “Little Johnny” all of a sudden showing up to school with a shaved head? Ahhhhh…bliss. 

I’ve already received the phone call to come to pick up my child because he isn’t feeling well. I’ve had strep throat myself and I fully blame all the grubby little germs my kids bring home from school. My daughter has had the sniffles for a few days and my son was in bed all day yesterday with skin the color of the puffy white clouds of summer.

The sickness of school has arrived in full force. 

Lice. I won’t talk about it too much right now. Your head is already itching, I know. I’m sorry. Just know those little buggers are out there. And at some point (soonish) that lice notice will come home in your kiddo’s backpacks and you’ll immediately drop everything and inspect all heads in the house. 

So Mamas…load up of the Tylenol, the Gravol, the essential oils of choice and the freakin’ lice treatment. You’re gonna need it. Soon. Also wine. Perhaps load up on that, too. I know I have. 

Anxiety is 10-Fold

Many of you won’t have to deal with this as much as we do in our house, but September is an awful month if you have a child with anxiety. They don’t know who their teacher is. They aren’t sure if their friends will be in their class. The year is ahead of them and they have no idea what will happen. That’s a pretty stressful thing for kids who like order, schedules and comfort.

Most children with anxiety like to play the “what if” game and it typically goes to the worst-case scenario. As a Mom, you’ll need all the tricks and tools you have to manage your child’s anxiety this month. It’s exhausting. We’re just over halfway through and I’m about tapped. But…of course, I will forge ahead.

On top of new teachers, friends and classrooms, September is typically the month when a lot of sports start. So, add on sports assessments (just the word is stressful), new coaches, a new team that you have to get to know and all the unknowns of a new year…you have the perfect storm for many-a-panic-attack from your anxiety-filled children.

Even if your kids don’t have anxiety, I find September to be a little nerve-wracking. My daughter has butterflies for awhile in September and she’s the most easy-going, glittery gal I know. 

So, while I agree routine is good. Getting into routine is hard. Come on, October. I’m waiting for you.

Lunches, school forms, homework…oh my! 

Have you all forgotten about making lunches? It’s only mid-September and I already want to throw a potato and a Ritz cracker in their lunches and call it a day. I can’t be the only one. 

School forms, sports forms and forms for things I didn’t even know I needed to have a form for have landed on my kitchen table and mock me every day. My hand is cramped and I’m sure I have carpal tunnel from all the form-filling-out. Stupid forms.

And last but not least, let’s not forget the joy that is homework. I love the homework battle, it’s my favorite – said no Mom ever. The last thing my kid wants to do is do more school after being in school. So yeah, that’s fun. 

AND…how could I forget?! HOME READING. ERMERGHERD. NOOOOOOOOOOOO! And hey…I know the importance of reading. I do. I love that my kids read. I’m an avid reader myself. But I’m that Mom that really doesn’t like getting read to. My patience is thin at the end of the day. The sounding out, the losing their spot, the finger-pointing. Did I mention the sounding out…of the SAME WORD…over and over again…well…

*deep breathing*

So, I say to you, September – GO SUCK AN EGG. I do not like you. I like you only because you’re beautiful (weather-wise) AND my Mama was born in your month (her parents were also perverts like all of you…go Grandma and Grandpa?!). Otherwise…I seriously cannot wait for October. Bring on the pumpkins, falling leaves and ACTUAL routine. 

October – you cannot come soon enough!