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What You Should Know About Coaching a Child with Anxiety

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Let me preface this article with the fact that I am not a psychiatrist, psychologist or counsellor. These are my opinions based on battling mental illness alongside my son for the past 4.5 years. I will also add that these are knowledge nuggets applicable to my child. While he has mental illness on a greater scale than some and a lesser scale than others, I believe these few tips may help all coaches should they experience the honour of working with a kid with mental illness.

Why is working with a kid with mental illness an honour? I may be a little biased, but if you have a child with mental illness on your bench (there will be a lot of hockey references, as that as my child’s sport of choice for the most part – but would be applicable to most sports), you have a kid that fights to be there. You have a kid that truly wants to participate. Otherwise, they’d be home and not fighting for their life to play with their team. If you have a kid like that – that’s an honour and one I hope you don’t overlook.

One more thing before we get started – and this is critical – mental illness has no “face”…you cannot tell what a child may be going through – so if something seems different, ask.

Because this is the face of anxiety:

This is the face of anxiety:

And this is the face of anxiety:

Now…let’s begin…

1. Don’t be scared.

My son and I are very open about his mental illness. I truly understand what a gift that is from him. His openness to communicate about what he goes through allows exceptional awareness and education to those around him. Please don’t start immediately worrying that he’s a bomb about to go off as soon as you hear “the news”.

He’s not. Well…he is…but we have strategies to help him. If you find out a child on your bench has a mental illness, try to fend off the stigma you may have surrounding it and learn more. Which brings me to…

2. Trust the player’s parents.

With my son’s openness about his anxiety and panic disorder, we have pretty incredible communication with his coaches, teammates and parents. We both recognize that when you learn that he battles anxiety, it may be somewhat intimidating for you.

Let me help you. Anxiety, which may lead to panic attacks can look quite different for every child. Some kids may come off as loud and obnoxious. Some kids may become very quiet. For some kids, like my child, it’s far more visible. For my son, he hyperventilates, shifts his body back and forth, cries, often times he yells, sometimes he throws a glove (but that’s when it’s just him and I) and in that state, there is no reasoning with him. He is very busy “fighting tigers” in his brain.

So, trust the parents of the child battling to know what to do. They most likely have years of living with their child battling anxiety and know what to do. If they ask you to do something – do it. If they ask you to not do something – don’t do it. It’s that simple.

You MUST communicate with your player’s parents. We may ask you to check in with them. We may ask you to give them a fist bump. Or we may ask you stay away for a few minutes. Please know – at that moment – we are very focused on our child and we know exactly what they need, or to be as honest and open as possible, we sure hope we know what we’re doing.

Keep communication wiiiiiiiiiide open. Always.

3. Please know they want to be there.

This one is a toughie for most anyone to understand. When people see my child in the middle of a panic attack, I see the judgment. I see you watching us and thinking “WTH is wrong with that kid?” “If he wants to get on the ice, why doesn’t he just get on the ice?”. Or, “why doesn’t he just go home if this is so hard”?

Good question. Short answer – he really truly wants to get on that bloody ice but at that moment, anxiety has taken control and his brain won’t actually let him.

He wants to be there or he wouldn’t be fighting so hard.

One of the “best” things my son does is “allow” himself to panic anywhere. Although it truly suuuuuuucks, it allows people (coaches, parents, teammates) to see just what he is up against. He will yell things like:

“DON’T YOU THINK I WANT TO BE OUT THERE?”
“I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO BE OUT THERE RIGHT NOW”
“YOU WOULDN’T LAST A DAY IF YOU HAD TO LIVE THE LIFE I LIVE!”

And you know what? He’s right. He battles hard to get on that ice every single time. Every time he does step foot onto the ice, he gives me a shimmy-shake to let me know he’s okay. I live for those shimmy-shakes.

If you ever question if one of your players battling anxiety wants to be there – they do. Some days anxiety wins and we don’t manage to overcome. Some days (most day now after a lot of hard work) my son wins and he hits the ice, shimmy-shakes, and it is GAME ON.

4. Don’t baby them.

There may be a tendency to hold back on coaching a child with anxiety/panic disorder. I get that. You’ve just seen him panic for 15 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour – however long the attack went on. But, if the player wins the battle – give them a bop on the head, tell them you’re so happy to have them on the ice – and PUT THEM TO WORK.

Exercise and distraction, baby – they’re your best friends when it comes to coaching a child with a mental illness. Exercise to release hormones and distraction to well – distract the brain.

Don’t ever, ever baby them. Sure, your tone may need to be a little different. But the expectation of hard work, completing drills and being on the same level as other players – that’s critical. Don’t treat them differently. Sure, they just ran a marathon during their panic attack – but they’re there, so make them work.

5. Show compassion, give them a job, make them laugh.

I often get asked by coaches what they can do to help my son. The above three tasks would help immensely. Acknowledge how terrible what he just went through was. It helps to know you saw it, don’t ignore it, say something like – “Yow! That was something! I’m soooooooo happy you’re here!”. Tell him you’re proud to have him there, then get him to do something. Again – jobs distract. It helps a ton.

Once I have my son on the ice, if you acknowledge that he’s a rockstar and give him a job, we’re usually good to go. Make him laugh, be silly, bop him on the head, pretend to trip him – all those things – distraction and a release of joy for him help. Making him laugh is a huuuuuuuge help. Be silly. Be fun – if only for a moment.

The above three things are critical to you helping a player with anxiety.

6. Please don’t ask us to put our child in a place we know they will fail.

This goes back to trusting the parents again, but I felt it needed its own section. If we know a team photo will cause a panic attack – please don’t ask us to ask them to do it. Because they’ll trip into panic and set off an attack.

If we know asking them to wear new socks will cause a panic attack. Please don’t ask us to do it. Because we’re setting the player up for failure if we do and in the end, the player has to battle and the parent will feel like a terrible parent for weeks because she should have stood up for her son.

So, if a parent says “if you ask me to ask them to do this, it’ll cause a panic attack” – know we don’t say that lightly. Know that we know our child better than anyone else. Ask yourself if what you’re asking of the child is TRULY critical, or if it’s a “nice-to-have”. If it’s critical, I will work with my child, battle the panic attack, win and then feel guilty that I put him through that for weeks. If it is not critical… please, please, please don’t ask us to ask our child what it is you want. Let it go.

7. Help educate your team.

There’s a great initiative that started in BC called Buddy Check for Jesse. There are resources and coaches notes on the Buddy Check website on how to talk to your team about mental health challenges. I strongly suggest you go to the website, download the resources and talk to your entire team in the dressing room about what it means to be a good teammate both on and off the ice.

This doesn’t have to be a huge speech, a little education goes a long, long way.

And, it goes without saying – probably best to not point out the child who battles mental illness – LOL. Most of the team will be well aware of the child that has attacks like my child has – but other kids may battle silently and it sure would be nice for those quiet kids to know that they are also supported by their coach and teammates.

8. Last but not least – give yourself a break.

If coaching a player with a mental illness is new to you – be kind to yourself. You’re going to question what you did that may have created a panic attack. You’re going to question if you provided enough support. You’re going to question if getting them on the ice was the right thing. You’re going to question anything that creates a reaction from the player who battles.

As a parent who has had incredible coaches for my son but who has also had coaches who have worked with my son and who just don’t quite “get it” just yet…if you’re at least trying to understand, I am grateful. ANYTHING you try to do to help our child deserves our gratitude, our praise and our respect.

You’re going to feel like you’ve failed your player at some point, I guarantee it. You’re going to feel like you could have done something better, different, with better results, with more compassion. Please know you couldn’t have. You did the best you could at the moment you had – YOU tried to understand.

As a parent, if I see a coach TRY to understand my child, TRY to encourage him, TRY to understand what he goes through – you get a gold star for coaching.

The player may sometimes be able to tell you what they need. But some times they may not be able to tell you. Rely on the parents then. We are their safe place – as are you – but we have been working with them a little longer. Trust your gut.

The best tip I have for you, Coaches, is to keep communication open between yourself, the player and the players’ parents.

And always, always, always ask questions should you have them.

Hey, Coaches – you are THE BOMB. You have the power to change the way kids and youth view mental illness in sport. YOU have that power. I hope you take an opportunity to learn more because if you haven’t already, at some point in your coaching career you will absolutely, 100%, positively meet a child battling and they are going to need you, as will their parents.

21-Day Upper Body Challenge

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I’ve been asked for a very, very, very long time to create a short, effective and fun upper-body challenge, so that’s exactly what I did!

Here’s what the challenge looks like:

It’s called 21 & Done. Why? Well now…you’re going to have to wait to find out ALL the details and exactly what the name means. But, I can tell you is this – with this 21-Day Challenge you’re going to get all of the following:

  • 21 days of focused upper body workouts designed to tone and sculpt your upper body;
  • Varied daily strength training focuses on the 5 areas of the upper body: chest, back, biceps, triceps and shoulders;
  • Each challenge should take no longer than 10 minutes per day;
  • Fun little surprise workouts throughout the 21 days;
  • Access to an app that helps you stay organized and keep track of each daily challenge;
  • A points system that allows you to see how the entire team is doing;
  • A private chat room within the app for accountability and support;
  • Weekly prizes – randomly drawn from those at the top of the leaderboard.
  • GRAND PRIZE – randomly drawn from all those who completed the full 21 days at the end of the challenge.

All of this for $21. And one of the best parts? If you complete the full 21 days, I will donate 21% of your registration to an organization that helps educate and raise awareness for childhood mental illness! So YOU are doing good by getting strong(er)!. YAY!

At the end of the 21 days, you’ll have a new group of motivated women to support you on your fitness journey, you’ll have stronger and more defined arms and you’ll have a bunch of new education that I plan on sharing throughout the challenge.

This is the PERFECT challenge if you need a short, safe and effective way to help get you back on track OR if you want to supplement your current workout program and classes with a little upper-body boost!

BA-BAM! Fun, right?! If you’re not already on the waitlist…GET ON IT!

Just CLICK HERE for more information and to get on the waitlist. YAY!

“Tired” Changes as Our Kids Grow – It’s Not a Competition, We’re All Exhausted

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I was talking with a few girlfriends the other day and we were reminiscing about the baby and toddler years. One of my friends said “I wish I knew what tired felt like back then”…and it got me thinking.

We’re all tired. No matter what stage of Motherhood we’re in, we’re all tired. Some days, we’re exhausted. But, comparing fatigue levels and one-upping one another seems a little silly to me.

As I was thinking about my reaction to my friends off-the-cuff remark (she wasn’t trying to stir anything up, it was just a conversation that got me thinking), I questioned why I wanted to defend the Mamas of newborns and little ones.

I realized, it’s not that we’re (the Mamas with bigger kids) more tired than Mamas of newborns, babies and toddlers…it’s simply that tired has changed.

I think until your kids are about five years you, the fatigue and the “tired” is physical. You’ve just either shot a watermelon out your cooch or you’ve been sliced open and your insides became your outsides for a bit, so recovery is tiring.

Then you’re nursing and going through teething and night terrors and growing pains. You’re not sleeping, so you’re still physically tired. You have to carry all the shit around – carseat, diaper bag, BABY, toys, food, bottles, binkies, babas and ALL THE SHIT around – you’re physically tired!

Honestly, the physical tiredness lasts until about five years old. So, new Mamas…you’re in for the long haul and this is one reason why being physically fit is super important! (I will talk about that in another post)

There are a few exceptions to the above, obviously. If your child is ill, or needs extra care or has a disability…your fatigue is different and your tired will be more than physical…I get that. But, for the most part, the tired of Mamas in the first five years of your kiddo’s life is physical.

THEN…YOU GO AND HAVE ANOTHER KID AND START ALL OVER AGAIN.

Sheesh, woman. Keep it in your pants.

Ha!

Moving on…

As our kids grow, I truly believe our tired turns to fatigue of our heart and soul. So, while the tired isn’t necessarily sleepless nights (or it is, but it’s because we’re worrying, not being woken up to “find a missing stuffy” at 2am), the fatigue comes from being a warrior for our kids for years on end.

We constantly have to teach, educate, protect, and stand for our kids. And that, my friends, is exhausting in a different way. No, you don’t have to change diapers in the middle of the night, but you will have to worry about your child’s happiness when they have social issues or they have a learning disability or they (gasp!) have a mental illness.

Your tired will come because you must constantly be the pillar of support for your child and again, while not physically taxing, your poor heart and soul really do some marathons out there.

I guess that is why I harp and harp and harp about taking care of your body (by moving it!), eating well, getting rest when you can and taking time to fill your bucket back up. Motherhood is tiring no matter what stage, so we need to put our health (physical, mental, social, spiritual) at the top of our priority list so that we have the energy required to make it through raising super amazing kids.

New Mamas – You’re tired. I hear you and I feel you. Take a breath. Rest when you can. Know you’re amazing and all your new baby needs is to be snuggled, fed, changed and loved.

Mamas to babies – hang in there. You’re tired. I hear you and I feel you. Take a breath. Rest when you can. Know you’re amazing and all your baby needs is your heart, your smile, your love and your silliness (and the necessities of life, obvi).

Mamas to toddlers – OMG. You’re tired. I hear you and I feel you. Take a breath. Rest when you can. Know you’re amazing and all your toddler needs is BOUNDARIES…and your love, support, education and knowledge of how to get on in this world they’re discovering.

Mamas to kids – You’re tired. I hear you and I feel you. Take a breath. Rest when you can. Know you’re amazing and all your kids need from you is for you to be strong enough to guide them through learning the ways of the world (not much to ask, is it?! Oy.) Be there for them, even on the most tiring days hug them and love them up. Let them know they belong.

Mamas to big kids – You’re tired. I hear you and I feel you. Take a breath. Rest when you can. Know you’re amazing and all your big kids need to know is that they are loved and adored and they belong in this world with you by their side. Let them feel your joy and your love. On their hard days, hold them closer even as they try to push you away.

Mamas to teens – You’re tired. I hear you and I feel you. Take a breath. Rest when you can. Know you’re amazing and all your teens need to know is that you are a safe place for them to come and be vulnerable. They need to know they’ll always be loved and adored and belong somewhere…and that somewhere will be with you when they choose to fall into your arms. Try not to be offended when they choose something else, just be there. Breathe. This too shall pass.

Mamas to young adults – You’re tired. I hear you and I feel you. Take a breath. Rest when you can. Know that you’ve raised incredible kids and take a step back to appreciate all you’ve done and all you’ve guided. All your kids need to know is that there is always a loving and safe place for them to come home to. Arms open, Mama…even on the exhausting days.

Mamas to adults – You’re tired. I hear you and I feel you. Take a breath. Rest when you can. All your kids need to know at this point is that you’re proud of them, that they are loved and that you remain a safe place for them to come home and be their authentically true and vulnerable selves. You’ve given this gift their entire lives, keep at it. You did a good job, Mama. A very good job.

To ALL the Mamas – You’re tired. I hear you and I feel you. I choose to not compete with you but to align myself with you and support and love you up. I choose to dole out what energy I have left after I’ve given it all to my kids and support you in any way, shape or form I can. I feel you, Mama. We will get through all of this and at the end of it…we will have amazing kids to show for it.

I just hope we can stay awake to appreciate it. xo

Podcasts! WHO KNEW?!

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The thought of 12 hours in the car with my two kids, ages 8 and 10, had me a little daunted, I’m not gonna lie! Every year we travel to Saskatchewan for a family reunion. It’s SUPER fun once we get there (ain’t nothin’ better than small town Saskatchewan on Canada Day!), but getting there is long and booooooooring.

BUT…this year, THIS YEAR, I attempted podcasts to make the drive a little more exciting.

It started like all other mornings….me panicking to get out the damn door so we didn’t miss the ferry. But once across on the ferry, we got into our rhythm and I thought “Alright, let’s see what all the fuss is it all about”!

Well…NOW I KNOW!

I realize I have my own podcast Dig Deep with Dr. Lindsay Gee…but I record workouts and coach you through the entire session…so it’s not really full of talking and information…it’s not your “typical” podcast.

I asked my bestie which podcast I should download and she said she’d heard good things about “Moms and Murder“. I’m a Mom and I like True Crimes…so what could go wrong?

Oprah’s Soulful Conversations was also recommended, so I ended up downloading about five episodes from that series.

There’s also a Pinterest podcast I should have downloaded…but I wanted mindless and not really super thought-provoking, to be honest. I kinda wanted to just listen to stories and GET TO WHERE I HAD TO GO!

The Pinterest one will be good when I am in work-mode…but I’ve been full-on work mode for about 6 months and I needed mindless, non-work chatter.

The result?

PODCASTS ARE AWESOME!

Listen, I know most of you know this already, but this was (#truthbomb) my first ever podcast listening. Ever. Ever, ever, ever!

So, I downloaded about 6 episodes from Moms and Murder…and the time FLEW! I did have to be careful…my kids were plugged in to their own movies, but I watched and any time they took their headphones off I paused my podcast. Probably best they didn’t hear about Moms killing their babies…

ANYWHO…

Time flew, flew, flew!

Did y’all know about these things?! Are you a podcast lover?!

I WANNA KNOW…what’s your fav! I have another 8 hours today…so…what do I download?

What’s your fav podcast?

Any recommendations for podcasts to listen to WITH your kids????? My son ended up listening to one of them with me about Diane Schuler (the mom who drove the wrong way down the highway and ended up killing herself and a bunch of kiddos)…and was hooked. But, I decided it wasn’t the best content for him…so…

Recommendations???

I know I’m behind the times, but if you’ve never listened to a podcast…YOU GOTTA! It was the shortest 10 hour drive ever and I was riveted to the content.

The best!!!

I want your recommendations! Please drop them below…I’m officially a podcast convert! Now…gimme your favs!

5 Quick Snacks to Tide You Over This Summer

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Life is busy, busy and I find that if you plan in advance, you can easily have quick snacks at the ready for those times when you need something fast and easy as you’re managing your crazy summertime life schedule.

Aside from carrying a water bottle around with you (filled with vodka, so no one suspects a thing), I have 5 go-to snacks that help me get through the loooooong summer days and our crazy schedule/

My Favorite Five Quick Snacks:

#1 – Baileys. It’s not just for coffee anymore, my friends. Carry a bottle of Baileys around with you all summer long and you can easily transition from breakfast to afternoon snack. It’s delicious and the added weight in your purse will give you that strength workout you’ve been searching for. Hello, deltoids!

Put the Baileys in your coffee in the morning and over ice in the afternoon. Be sure to use an insulated mug to keep your coffee hot and your ice cold. This snack is calorie dense, so you won’t get hungry AND everything will be delicious.

Warning: You cannot drive with this snack, so plan accordingly.

Why the calories don’t count: It’s summer. You’re surviving. ‘Nuff said.

#2 – Big Cup Peanut Butter Cups. You know you’re going to be toting around a cooler all summer long, so pack these two perfect beauties and set them next to your ice pack for a refreshing and delicious mid-morning or afternoon or late night pick-me-up.

Don’t mess with the mini peanut butter cups – too much work. You know you’re going to eat all 50 minis, so grab the pack of two Big Cups and get on with it. There are only two of them, so you’ll be less likely to have to share with anyone. The minis? Share galore – that’s awful stuff, don’t do that to yourself.

Why the calories don’t count: Summer is so busy you’ll be running around enough to burn the extra delicious calories.

Warning: Peanut allergy? Do not eat these. You will die and that would be awful.

Why I recommend this snack: Um, hello. Have you met a peanut butter cup you didn’t like?! They’re delicious! And I’m certain there’s protein in peanut butter, so you’re now building muscle…peanut butter cup muscle. Woop!

#3 – Two-bite Brownies. There are days when you’re going to have to share and I find that the amount of brownies in a package of two-bite brownies is sufficient to satisfy your personal desire for yum yum yumminess and share with a friend (or your kids, if you have to).

Why the calories don’t count: It’s summer, yo. Fuggetaboutit.

#4 – Bag-O-Chips. I realize not all of you have a sweet tooth, so here’s one for you salt lovers out there. Grab any bag of chips and enjoy. I personally think the Presidents Choice chips are the best. Yummy flavors, thicker cut, inexpensive (so we’re being summertime economical, go us!)…SO YUM.

Warning: Eat chips around me and I’ll smack the bag out of your hand. You keep your crunchy mouth noises away from me, you hear me?!

Why the calories don’t count: Chips are potatoes and potatoes are good for you. Add the salt to sop up any alcohol you may consume and BAM….look at you taking care of your salty self. YAY YOU!

#5 – Dairy Queen or any other fast food ice cream. While you cannot pack this, this is a quick go-to for summer road trips. Watch for that beautiful, big read sign and turn into the parking lot.

There may be lines, so don’t forget to sip from your water bottle (see note above and reminder photo below as to what to have in there). Order whatever the heck you want and enjoy your sweet treat.

Why the calories don’t matter: You’re making memories, baby. Your kids will remember how you always turn into DQ and their squeals of delight cancel out any fat and calorie intake. If you have no kids, you’ll remember how you always turn into DQ and you’ll smile because it is ALWAYS good. Plus, self-care. Look at you taking care of your needs. Good for you!

There you have it. A quick list of easy-to-grab snacks to help get you through the summer!

They’re not good for you…at all. But, they’re delicious. And sometimes, just sometimes you need to ease up on the reigns and enjoy life for a moment.

I guess I do have to say that this piece is pure silliness. While I recommend ALL of the above (except maybe all the drinking and some of the “facts” above), I’m totally joking with this piece. But, I do want you to enjoy your summer and lighten up a bit with respect to the guilt you put on yourself for having a treat.

Keep active. Eat well. Treat yourself when you want to.
Zero guilt this summer.