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My Child Has Mental Health But He Also Has a Mental Illness

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When my child was diagnosed with a mental illness I was constantly talking about mental health. I was confusing the two terms and replacing “illness” with “health”, mostly because I cringed every time I used the term “mental illness”.

You see, there’s still a stigma around those words, even for a Mom who has been advocating for her son for years and years. I just couldn’t seem to easily say the words “my son has a mental illness”. It was easier to say “I’m raising awareness for mental health” or “I’m pushing hard for my son’s mental health to be taken care of”.

Day 7 of #PushingForAwareness

Until one day my son corrected me.

We were talking about the campaign we are doing called #PushingForAwareness where we committed to completing 50 pushups for 50 days to raise awareness for childhood mental illness. BUT…when we first started the campaign I kept saying we were “raising awareness for childhood mental health”.

My son asked, “Is there a difference between health and illness”? I paused, because in that moment I realized I needed to get over the stigma and educate properly.

I told him that we were raising awareness for childhood anxiety and depression.

“And those are illnesses, right? So we should say that we’re raising awareness for childhood mental illness because that’s what we’re doing”, he said.

“You’re right, buddy. You’re 100% right. We’re raising awareness for childhood mental illness.”

You see, everyone has mental health but not everyone has mental illness.

Your mental health slides on a continuum – some days you could have good mental health and other days you could have bad mental health. Stress, sleep, nutrition, life, in general, all lend a hand in dictating your mental health. But mental illness? Well, that gets diagnosed by a professional.

You may notice now that in the live videos we do for our daily pushups that my son introduces it as “raising awareness for mental illness” and after a few weeks, I no longer cringe at those words. I’ve grown accustomed to them and appreciate the power behind them.

I was feeling pretty baffled by my reaction to the words mental illness, but I’ve accepted that it was all based around the stigma we are currently battling. Even though I’ve been battling and I’ve been fighting for my son, I needed to wrap my head around the terms. They’re just words, but wow…words hold power, don’t they?

The more I’ve used the words, the easier it’s gotten. It’s not that I’m ashamed of his diagnosis at all, it’s not that I felt the need to hide it (obviously…sheesh we’re running a whole campaign on it), but I did need to address my cringey reaction to those two words.

And, the answer truly was stigma. It’s a long battle ahead of us to de-stigmatize the word. I know this because even as a true and huge advocate for mental illness, I shirked away from using the correct term for my son…and that’s the problem.

I realize more than ever that the work we need to do to help in the area of destigmatizing (is that even a word?!) the words “mental illness” is massive. However, I also know you can get the heck over it because I have done just that.

So, say it with me “MENTAL ILLNESS”.

My child has a mental illness.

I can say it now and I actually stand a little prouder. I may even throw a shoulder shimmy at you because it’s not scary at all. It’s actually pretty damn empowering.

My son called me out on not addressing the issue and using the incorrect term and I couldn’t be more proud of him. He’s not embarrassed by it and he continues to have the amazing conversations about mental illness with adults, friends and random people in the grocery store. So who am I to stand in his way?

If you haven’t checked out his campaign to raise awareness for mental illness, please do so! We have ONE WEEK left and we’re about $1300 short of our $5000 goal.

CLICK HERE TO DONATE!

“Don’t Talk To Me Like That” – That Time My 8-Year-Old Layed Down the Law

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I want to raise an independent woman. I want to raise a strong woman. I want to raise a woman who stands up for herself but does so with respect and…well…finality, no wishy-washy bullshit…just strength and power.

I want to teach her that her words matter and how she chooses to say those words, the tone she chooses is almost as important as the actual words themselves.

I want my daughter to have a voice that is intelligent, decisive and used to empower her and the person she is.

Oh Lordy…I want all of this for my daughter and in a time where women are taking so many steps forward but constantly getting pushed back, I see my daughter and the strength she exudes in who she is.

Today she was spoken to in a fairly impolite way. To be fair, the man who said the words was trying to be helpful, but his “coaching” came off as condescending and somewhat…what’s the word?…asshole-ish.

I stood up to say something to stand up for my daughter, but then I paused.

I saw my daughter take a deep breath, roll her shoulders back, lift her chin and say:

“Don’t talk to me like that. I don’t like it. You can coach me, I’d like to learn. But please don’t speak to me like that”.

The man’s jaw dropped open and he seemed unable to speak for a few moments.

I smiled, breathed a sigh of relief and sat back down. I watched the man gather himself.

“Sorry, Paytie. My bad. You’re right. What I was trying to say was….” and off they went for a respectful conversation.

And there’s me…watching my daughter do something I’ve fought my entire life to do. She found her voice and without any edge to it was able to communicate how she felt, that she didn’t like it and how the person could fix it.

I mean…SERIOUSLY.

She’s EIGHT.

What a fucking superstar.

She is constantly teaching me and I am constantly in awe of her spark, compassion and overall knowledge of who she is and what she deserves in this sunshine-y life of hers.

“Don’t talk to me like that”.

WHAT A ROCKSTAR.

It really can be that simple. Use your words. Let people know when they’ve over-stepped and find a way to make it work. Or not…of course…some people are just total assholes, but she knows that too. She knows when to walk away.

But today she corrected and became a smarter, more confident woman today. I have no idea if she’ll remember this moment, but I will, and I will use it in my own life to stand up for how I want to be treated.

I love that at 41 I’m learning from my 8 year old. I love that she is strong and powerful and beautiful. I love that she is confident and respectful.

I love that she is who she is and I truly love that she is mine to adore and be in awe of.

Well done, baby girl. Well. Done.

It’s Hard to Be Excited When Your Completely Exhausted

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I remember dreading summer last year. Dreading it. I 100% did not want my kids out of school and I 100% did not want summer to start.

I saw other Moms posting things like: “I can’t wait to have my kids home with me all day” and “I can’t wait to make memories with my kiddos all summer”. I’m not kidding when I tell you that I practically dislocated my eyeballs from rolling them so hard and was muttering “fuck off, already” at my screen more times than I care to share.

Last summer I was exhausted. I work from home and that doesn’t mean I’m a stay-at-home Mom…let me be perfectly clear…I work longer hours than most people BECAUSE I work from home. And summers? Summers are harder than anything else.

Why?

Because the pressure is ON to make summer memories for my kids. So, I wake up at 4 am and get 6 hours of work done by 10 am so I can make those GD memories all summer long. Come September…I’m burned out and exhausted.

Early morning require bombass big mugs! Thanks, Chris!

Last year, I had zero reserves. I started the summer exhausted. I remember my kids asking if I was excited about summer and the shitty reality is that I told them “No. No, I am not”. Which I’m sure was pretty damn hurtful.

I was barely surviving last year. I was exhausted in June. I started the summer burned out. I was angry, irritable and overworked. I was unhealthy, sad, depressed and so full of anxiety that I couldn’t breathe.

But, I woke every morning, put my time into my business and tried so hard to get water from this stone.

It was not our best summer. At all. But, we did manage to have some good times.

But this year? I CANNOT WAIT! I’m one of those Moms who is ACTUALLY looking forward to spending time with my kids!

Why?

BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO REST! I’m not starting the summer in a deficit.

Hey, I know by the end of summer I will be tired and done and ready for my twerps to get back to class, but…then I have 10 months before I have to do that all again. I will get up and work at 4 am because I truly cannot wait to explore with my kids. I will put my phone away for hours on end (something I felt I couldn’t do before) and I will live my summer with my kids…beside them, not dragging behind them willing it to be over.

I’m rested, my friends. And that makes ALL the difference in the world. You truly cannot be excited about things if you’re exhausted. There is no physical way you can fake your way through that. Trust me, I tried.

I am finally looking forward to summer again. And that…feels so good.

Too Tired to Give a F**k

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I was recently at an overnight camp with about 50 Grade Five students and I’ve realized some things just never ever change:

The girl drama is still rampant and the goss (that’ gossip for all you oldies that don’t know what it means) is still flying, big time. The dialogue is everything. And, I mean…like, everything.

“OMG…she said ______”.

“And then I was like ________”.

“So then I ________”.

“OMG can you believe that?”

As I sat there and listened to the drama I remembered feeling all those emotions. I thought to myself “Man, everything is just so BIG at that age”. Even the discussion about who took whose shoes and who knocked on whose doors…they’re big. Big problem. Big drama. So. Much. Energy.

I found myself rolling my eyes and thinking “Jesus, this is what they worry about?“.

Then, I checked myself. I was the same when I was their age. The little problems were BIG problems. That one sentence you said about so-and-so can determine how life will go for the next few weeks and if you screw it up…you may find yourself sitting alone at recess. It’s odd…but…it’s not abnormal. Don’t even get me started on the riveting game of Truth or Date.

I truly believe that it’s not only confidence and discovering who we are that aids in our ability to not give a flying fuck about what is said about us. I think we’re just tired.

“Omg…she said ______”...something I totally don’t give a fuck about.

“And then I was like_____”… okay…you go do you, I’ll be over here trying to figure out how to squeeze 25 hours into this day.

“So then I ______”…stopped at Tim Horton’s and picked up an XL coffee to help me through the day.

“OMG can you believe that?”…Yup, totally can and totally don’t care.

The dialogue changes when you’re older. The big things aren’t big and you let a lot more slide off your back.

People will constantly try to pull you down, put you down, make you feel shitty…and I’m just so very tired that I truly don’t have the energy to fight against them. I don’t want to and I don’t care. I don’t have the energy.

I need to conserve my energy for the shit that matters. The time spent worrying about the shit said about me is, well, a waste of my precious energy. So, I let it fly because I simply don’t have the energy to give to that kind of chatter any longer.

Go ahead and talk your talk and do your thang, Little Miss Gossip. Me? I’m just over here trying to raise kind humans, inspire a nation and lead by example….on a thread of the energy I used to have to worry about whether “OMG…she’s wearing the same shirt as I am!”

Sure, I’ve screwed up, made mistakes, etc…but I’m also too tired to give a fuck about anything that doesn’t help me move and grow as a human any longer. I have no time for the bullshit and want to only surround myself with people who bring the good energy back into my world. I’m too tired to give a fuck about the rest of it.

Truly. In my 41st year of life…I finally get it. And, I have complete and total fatigue to thank for it. Thank you bone-deep fatigue for truly allowing me to focus on the important stuff in my life and let the other shit go. It is quite liberating. For once, I truly see the benefit of getting older…and being tired.

How to Stay Calm & Help Your Child During Their Panic Attack

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Panic attacks are horrible. If you’ve ever experienced one, you know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t had one yourself, perhaps you’ve seen someone go through it. Or, perhaps you haven’t at all experienced a panic attack, in which case, consider yourself very lucky.

Panic attacks look different for everyone. Some people feel like they’re about to die. That is not an exaggeration. Their heart rate increases, breathing rate increases, they feel hot, nauseous. Often times, if they’ve never had an attack before, they’ll end up in the hospital. They honestly feel like they are about to take the Big Dirt Nap.

Other panic attacks present in anger, rage and physical outbursts. Others in crying, sobbing and “overly emotional” outbursts.

There is no one-size-fits-all for a panic attack, so if you feel like your child may be experiencing anxiety or panic, please reach out for help.

My son battles massive panic attacks. When he was officially diagnosed with panic disorder, I thought “No shit”. Counseling is helping and the “great” thing is that my son experiences panic attacks with the counselor and she has validated the extent of his attacks for me.

“Linds, his attacks are massive. These are not small on any scale, these are incredibly large”.

Why did that validate? Because there is no guide to panic. I felt like his attacks were huge and terrible and awful, but when a professional says that to you, you simply feel…validated. Like, yeah…okay…I thought so, but I don’t know what others go through, so I thought they were terrible and now it’s confirmed, they’re fucking awful.

And no, it doesn’t matter. My son’s attacks are his and comparison is useless. But validation, for me as a parent, was huge.

Why? Because during his attacks I feel useless, helpless and terrible. I often lose my temper and my patience and I get super frustrated. When I see one coming on, I feel the need to suit up in full armour and get ready to battle. Again. No exaggeration. I honestly feel the need to protect myself, mentally and emotionally, every time I see an attack coming on.

Knowing that these attacks are atypical and “extreme” somehow validates that this is HARD. Not only for him, but also for me as his Support Warrior. I’ve learned about what to do during a panic attack from my son, and I wanted to share my experiences with you.

This may or may not help you, but I can at least share what works for me and maybe, just maybe, you’ll find even a little tidbit to help you feel a little more supported in the lonely role this is Support Warrior.

The #1 thing I want you to remember is:

Your child is battling dragons during a panic attack and they have NO TIME to reason with you. I repeat, they have NO TIME to reason with you. No time to breathe and “calm down”. NO TIME to talk things out with you. No. Time.

THEY ARE BUSY BATTLING DRAGONS AND COULD DIE IF THEY DON’T FOCUS ON BATTLING DRAGONS.

via GIPHY

So…they make very little sense. THEY ARE BUSY.

Don’t tell them to breathe. Don’t tell them to calm down. Don’t tell them that they’re being ridiculous.

Be there. Tell them they’re safe. Tell them you’re with them. Tell them you love them.

Try super hard to not lose your shit because THEY WILL MAKE ZERO SENSE during a panic attack and often times that is 100% infuriating.

My son battles for hours. And in that time he makes no sense. His elbow pad will feel off and awaaaaaaay we go. Panic city. How can an elbow pad set off a panic attack? It can’t…it’s something tangible his worry can focus on and blame. But trying to reason that it’s the same elbow pad he’s put on for a year doesn’t help him.

Frustration WILL set in because panic can’t be explained or reasoned.

Here’s what you need to remember and here’s how to stay calm during your child’s panic attack:

#1 – As mentioned – remember that all reason is out the window. Think of their mind as having two zones – reason and panic. If panic is switched on, reason is eclipsed. If reason is switched on, panic – hovers (I wish it were eclipsed, but mental illness doesn’t work like that). But, if you can remember that when in a panic, your child is very busy battling…it helps. There is zero reasoning. I cannot stress this enough. Zero.

#2 – Remember that the words said aren’t personal. As hard as this may be, your child is going to say things you don’t want to hear. DO NOT OVERANALYZE what they say. Leave that to the counselors. Let the words float over you and do not grab hold of one sentence and cling to that with worry. It’s useless. Let the words float over you and leave them in the panic once it’s over.

#3 – Breathe. I know I told you to not tell your kids to breathe, but that’s because they’re in a panic. They physically cannot take time to breathe during an attack, they’re busy (remember – DRAGONS!!). But, you can breathe. And, if your child practices breathing exercises (NOT IN A PANIC) they will mirror your behavior and not even know it.

You know how you yawn when someone else yawns? Breathing is the same. So, if you start taking big deep breaths, eventually your child will mirror the breathing (if they’ve practiced) without even knowing it.

So breathe. For you. For them. Breathe.

#4 – Step away for a few minutes if you need to. If you feel like your patience is about to break, you need to step away. Even just a few feet if they won’t let you leave the room to gather yourself. Tell yourself your can do this. Breathe. Roll your shoulders. Have a wee cry. Then, stand tall, be brave and face the panic with a fresh outlook. It takes about 30 seconds, but it’s worth it. Meet panic with love. Meet panic with acceptance.

#5 – Try the strategies taught to you. Try them all. All the time. My son used to get so mad at me when I tried to distract him (one of the strategies taught to battle panic attacks). He’d say “MOM…I KNOW what you’re doing and stop it. It’s not working and I hate it. Just STOP IT!”. Smart little shit.

But, another time it would work. So, I always tried. Then I’d try the next. Then the next. Then the next. Sometime he’d get so mad at me, but at least it distracted him a bit from the panic. Not only do the strategies help your child, but it also helps calm you down. It gives you something to do.

Think about all the things you have in your toolbox. Use every tool. Mentally go through what else you can do. It’s a great way to distract yourself and focus on helping. It will make you feel better and calmer because at least you have some control about what you can do and say. Control helps. Trust me.

At the end of the day, the best thing you can do to remain calm during a panic attack is to remember: that’s not your kiddo, that’s the panic. Your job is to bring your kiddo back. Your job is love and support and let them know they’re safe and that you’re there.

You’re going to get frustrated. You’re going to get pissed. You’re going to want to reason. You’re going to HATE anxiety. And, that’s okay. Go on and hate it. But not during an attack. Your child is too busy battling dragons to also battle you. So breathe. Know that this panic won’t last forever and your child will come back to you. Support, love and support again.

BONUS TIP:

If you lose your temper – please don’t beat yourself up. If you snap or yell or throw your hands up in frustration – you’re not the first person in a support role to do so. It’s a tough, tough position. It’s exhausting and disheartening. So, if you lose it every now and then – hey – holy shit – you’re human. It’s okay. You’re a rockstar and your child’s safe place…an honor and a curse, I swear.

So lose you mind. Rage, get frustrated…then calm the heck down and get back to breathing and distracting and loving. It all helps. Be kind to yourself. This is tough stuff. But, you can do it. Trust me. I’ve done it so many times and every time I think “Shit…I really fucked that up”…but every time my son tells me how grateful he is for me. Every time we get through it. Every time it ends.

Be their safe place.

BONUS TIP #2:

My last piece of advice is this: If you have a child that has panic attacks and you are their safe place, you need to go to counseling yourself. You cannot handle all that happens during a panic attack on your own. You cannot listen to the words your child says without an outlet to talk to and some strategies to help you “let the words float by you”. You’re going to need help, strategies and support.

Just like your child needs you, you need someone to help you. You need to lean and learn how to process the attacks. So, please find help. I don’t say this lightly, I mean it with every cell in my body.

To sustain the strength required to help your child through a panic attack, you need professional help, counseling and your own strategies.

Good luck out there, Support Warriors. I’m with you. Day in and day out. We will breathe and not reason with our children during the attacks. And we will hug and love them up after they’re through it. And those hugs? They’re the best hugs ever. E.V.E.R.

Reason comes later…with counseling and help. Trust me. You’ll get there. I think.