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Insomnia Had a Grip on Me Until I Tried Two-Syllable Breathing as a Sleep Strategy

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I didn’t sleep for years. Years and years. No exaggeration, I did not sleep for a very, very, veeeeeeeeerry long time.

It wasn’t the sleepless nights with newborns, or toddler night terrors, though those definitely wreaked havoc on my life for years. It wasn’t even the fact that my daughter, to this day, insists on waking me almost every night to tell me how much she loves me (no, it’s not cute, so don’t you dare “awwwww”, lol). I didn’t sleep because I had insomnia.

My insomnia began about four years ago. Yes, my kids were still little back then, but my lack of ability to sleep carried on even when my kids began to (mostly) sleep through the night.

It’s not that I didn’t want to sleep. I did. I just couldn’t.

As an entrepreneur, my mind is always working. So, if I woke up at 3 am, my brain would start grinding and coming up with idea after idea after idea and I could never get back to sleep.

While this was fine for awhile, after a few years of about four hours of sleep per night, my body started to break down.

I was exhausted, stressed, malnourished and trying to grow an empire. I was routinely told by my doctor that I needed to get more sleep. In fact, she said any sleep would be amazing.

Yeah, no shit. Oy.

But, how does one turn off her brain? She doesn’t listen, in fact, she’ll start wondering how sleep actually works and will try to solve all problems as soon as she is roused. Best to just get up and get to work versus lay in bed and think about all the things needed to be done.

Until one day, I couldn’t. I became exhausted and very sick. Light headed, anxious, depressed, angry, bitter. I lost weight, I lost hair and I lost myself. Yup…lack of sleep will do ALL OF THAT.

I’ve made some pretty serious life changes this past year and one of the most important changes I’ve made is my commitment to rest and sleep.

But, how does one get sleep if one’s brain is on HIGH? You can’t just say “Brain, we need sleep, that’s enough…SHUT IT DOWN!”. She gets pissy. Uber pissy.

With my daughter constantly waking me, my husband snoring next to me and my entrepreneurial brain on overtime, there was no way I could ever get back to sleep in the middle of the night, even though I knew I needed to.

Until…I went to counselling.

Oh, and FYI…yes, I tried medication. I tried melatonin. I didn’t like either.

My counselor listened to me and in the first session said “Lindsay, you need sleep. You need rest. So, I’m going to teach you how to do it. She then introduced me to two-syllable breathing and it has been a LIFESAVER.

If I get woke in the middle of the night, I force myself to shut down my thoughts and begin two-syllable breathing. It works. Every time.

You hear me? Every. Time.

Here’s how to do it:

First, you need to imagine yourself in a calm and safe place. Put yourself there. Mine is on a beach, waves rolling in, book on my lap, sun on my face, eyes closed.

This is my place:

Then, you choose a word that has two syllables. You can also choose two words, one syllable each if you can’t figure out a two-syllable word that calms you.

On your inhale, think the first syllable. On your exhale, think the second syllable.

Feel the sun on your face, listen to the waves. Inhale the first syllable, exhale the second syllable.

My words were originally “The Lake”. The syllables are supposed to be something that has positive memories or means something wonderful to you. Memories of the lake growing up were what I thought would work.

But, it turns out my mind liked to screw around with that and play the “Remember when this happened” or “Oh yeah! What about that time that _____ happened!”…so then she went crazy with memories and got seriously nostalgic…not calming at all.

I had to change my word.

I decided on the word “sunshine”. The word makes me happy and it reminds me of my daughter.

I inhale “sun” and exhale “shine”.

I have NO IDEA why this works, but if I practice it when I get woke at night, I almost always fall back to sleep.

Same goes for if I’m having trouble getting to sleep. If I practice my two-syllable breathing, I fall asleep.

I don’t know the science…but if it works, I’ll take it!

My son uses this strategy to battle his anxiety, as well. He also fights sleep and this breathing technique works almost every time.

His word is “Mommy”.

He inhales “Mom” and exhales “my”.

BOOM. Calm.

If you have trouble getting to sleep, or if you have trouble getting BACK to sleep, try this two-syllable breathing technique. It’s changed my entire life, so I sure do hope it works for you.

You need sleep, babe. Truly. Don’t be like me and go years and years without it…trust me…it is NOT a good place to be. xoxo

It’s Okay to Have a Vice – Just Use It Wisely

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I love peanut butter cups. If you know me at all, you know I LOVE peanut butter cups. Love, love, love them. In fact, during a speech I was making one year, people threw them at me when I started to get teary to make me laugh and stop crying (tears of joy, btw).

I also have a peanut butter cup present giver who leaves me random cups on my doorstep every now and then. I have no idea who it is, but I love him or her with all I am.

Here’s the thing…I celebrate my vice. I know that if a peanut butter cup is put in front of me, I’m gonna eat it. No ifs, ands or buts. I used to try to tell myself “Lindsay, no. No. Those aren’t good for you”.

Screw that, old Lindsay. You take those cups and gobble them up.

Life is way too short to not enjoy the things I love. Life is way to precious for me to make myself feel bad for loving something so yummy. Life wouldn’t keep putting peanut butter cups in front of me if I wasn’t supposed to enjoy the heck out of them.

Sure, they’re not healthy. Sure, they’re loaded with sugar and fat and all the things that taste amazing. But…I work hard. I train daily. I sweat. I eat relatively healthy most of the time.

So, I’m not going to balk at eating a peanut butter cup.

I’m here to tell you it’s time to embrace your vice….

With conditions:

You may have SOME of your vice…NOT ALL OF IT. And you may do so guilt-free. Enjoy it. But don’t overindulge. There’s a line between honouring your vice and being unhealthy and ridiculous.

If your vice is at all harmful (e.g. drugs and/or alcohol), this article is not for you. This is for silly vices like peanut butter cups, sweet tarts, chocolate chip cookies or small bags of chips. This does not apply to serious addiction issues.

Life is hard, my friends. Embrace your vice. Don’t fight it…you’ll just overindulge and feel awful the next time you have it. Better to have a little here, a little there. Don’t punish yourself by withholding what you love. Have a little, enjoy the heck out of it and move along in your day.

Don’t think twice about it. OR, if you must, think how your truly deserve your small treat. Because you do. You deserve the things that bring you joy and happiness.

If mine is peanut butter cups, who are you to judge? Even more, who am I to judge? I appreciate me and all I do. I get to treat myself and have ZERO guilt about it. Zero. Zip. Zilch.

How about we’re just a little nicer to ourselves? How about we just love up on ourselves every now and then and take a moment to say “HECK YES!” to our vices. Enjoy, my friends. Seriously…enjoy it.

Too Tired to Give a F**k

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I was recently at an overnight camp with about 50 Grade Five students and I’ve realized some things just never ever change:

The girl drama is still rampant and the goss (that’ gossip for all you oldies that don’t know what it means) is still flying, big time. The dialogue is everything. And, I mean…like, everything.

“OMG…she said ______”.

“And then I was like ________”.

“So then I ________”.

“OMG can you believe that?”

As I sat there and listened to the drama I remembered feeling all those emotions. I thought to myself “Man, everything is just so BIG at that age”. Even the discussion about who took whose shoes and who knocked on whose doors…they’re big. Big problem. Big drama. So. Much. Energy.

I found myself rolling my eyes and thinking “Jesus, this is what they worry about?“.

Then, I checked myself. I was the same when I was their age. The little problems were BIG problems. That one sentence you said about so-and-so can determine how life will go for the next few weeks and if you screw it up…you may find yourself sitting alone at recess. It’s odd…but…it’s not abnormal. Don’t even get me started on the riveting game of Truth or Date.

I truly believe that it’s not only confidence and discovering who we are that aids in our ability to not give a flying fuck about what is said about us. I think we’re just tired.

“Omg…she said ______”...something I totally don’t give a fuck about.

“And then I was like_____”… okay…you go do you, I’ll be over here trying to figure out how to squeeze 25 hours into this day.

“So then I ______”…stopped at Tim Horton’s and picked up an XL coffee to help me through the day.

“OMG can you believe that?”…Yup, totally can and totally don’t care.

The dialogue changes when you’re older. The big things aren’t big and you let a lot more slide off your back.

People will constantly try to pull you down, put you down, make you feel shitty…and I’m just so very tired that I truly don’t have the energy to fight against them. I don’t want to and I don’t care. I don’t have the energy.

I need to conserve my energy for the shit that matters. The time spent worrying about the shit said about me is, well, a waste of my precious energy. So, I let it fly because I simply don’t have the energy to give to that kind of chatter any longer.

Go ahead and talk your talk and do your thang, Little Miss Gossip. Me? I’m just over here trying to raise kind humans, inspire a nation and lead by example….on a thread of the energy I used to have to worry about whether “OMG…she’s wearing the same shirt as I am!”

Sure, I’ve screwed up, made mistakes, etc…but I’m also too tired to give a fuck about anything that doesn’t help me move and grow as a human any longer. I have no time for the bullshit and want to only surround myself with people who bring the good energy back into my world. I’m too tired to give a fuck about the rest of it.

Truly. In my 41st year of life…I finally get it. And, I have complete and total fatigue to thank for it. Thank you bone-deep fatigue for truly allowing me to focus on the important stuff in my life and let the other shit go. It is quite liberating. For once, I truly see the benefit of getting older…and being tired.

How to Stay Calm & Help Your Child During Their Panic Attack

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Panic attacks are horrible. If you’ve ever experienced one, you know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t had one yourself, perhaps you’ve seen someone go through it. Or, perhaps you haven’t at all experienced a panic attack, in which case, consider yourself very lucky.

Panic attacks look different for everyone. Some people feel like they’re about to die. That is not an exaggeration. Their heart rate increases, breathing rate increases, they feel hot, nauseous. Often times, if they’ve never had an attack before, they’ll end up in the hospital. They honestly feel like they are about to take the Big Dirt Nap.

Other panic attacks present in anger, rage and physical outbursts. Others in crying, sobbing and “overly emotional” outbursts.

There is no one-size-fits-all for a panic attack, so if you feel like your child may be experiencing anxiety or panic, please reach out for help.

My son battles massive panic attacks. When he was officially diagnosed with panic disorder, I thought “No shit”. Counseling is helping and the “great” thing is that my son experiences panic attacks with the counselor and she has validated the extent of his attacks for me.

“Linds, his attacks are massive. These are not small on any scale, these are incredibly large”.

Why did that validate? Because there is no guide to panic. I felt like his attacks were huge and terrible and awful, but when a professional says that to you, you simply feel…validated. Like, yeah…okay…I thought so, but I don’t know what others go through, so I thought they were terrible and now it’s confirmed, they’re fucking awful.

And no, it doesn’t matter. My son’s attacks are his and comparison is useless. But validation, for me as a parent, was huge.

Why? Because during his attacks I feel useless, helpless and terrible. I often lose my temper and my patience and I get super frustrated. When I see one coming on, I feel the need to suit up in full armour and get ready to battle. Again. No exaggeration. I honestly feel the need to protect myself, mentally and emotionally, every time I see an attack coming on.

Knowing that these attacks are atypical and “extreme” somehow validates that this is HARD. Not only for him, but also for me as his Support Warrior. I’ve learned about what to do during a panic attack from my son, and I wanted to share my experiences with you.

This may or may not help you, but I can at least share what works for me and maybe, just maybe, you’ll find even a little tidbit to help you feel a little more supported in the lonely role this is Support Warrior.

The #1 thing I want you to remember is:

Your child is battling dragons during a panic attack and they have NO TIME to reason with you. I repeat, they have NO TIME to reason with you. No time to breathe and “calm down”. NO TIME to talk things out with you. No. Time.

THEY ARE BUSY BATTLING DRAGONS AND COULD DIE IF THEY DON’T FOCUS ON BATTLING DRAGONS.

via GIPHY

So…they make very little sense. THEY ARE BUSY.

Don’t tell them to breathe. Don’t tell them to calm down. Don’t tell them that they’re being ridiculous.

Be there. Tell them they’re safe. Tell them you’re with them. Tell them you love them.

Try super hard to not lose your shit because THEY WILL MAKE ZERO SENSE during a panic attack and often times that is 100% infuriating.

My son battles for hours. And in that time he makes no sense. His elbow pad will feel off and awaaaaaaay we go. Panic city. How can an elbow pad set off a panic attack? It can’t…it’s something tangible his worry can focus on and blame. But trying to reason that it’s the same elbow pad he’s put on for a year doesn’t help him.

Frustration WILL set in because panic can’t be explained or reasoned.

Here’s what you need to remember and here’s how to stay calm during your child’s panic attack:

#1 – As mentioned – remember that all reason is out the window. Think of their mind as having two zones – reason and panic. If panic is switched on, reason is eclipsed. If reason is switched on, panic – hovers (I wish it were eclipsed, but mental illness doesn’t work like that). But, if you can remember that when in a panic, your child is very busy battling…it helps. There is zero reasoning. I cannot stress this enough. Zero.

#2 – Remember that the words said aren’t personal. As hard as this may be, your child is going to say things you don’t want to hear. DO NOT OVERANALYZE what they say. Leave that to the counselors. Let the words float over you and do not grab hold of one sentence and cling to that with worry. It’s useless. Let the words float over you and leave them in the panic once it’s over.

#3 – Breathe. I know I told you to not tell your kids to breathe, but that’s because they’re in a panic. They physically cannot take time to breathe during an attack, they’re busy (remember – DRAGONS!!). But, you can breathe. And, if your child practices breathing exercises (NOT IN A PANIC) they will mirror your behavior and not even know it.

You know how you yawn when someone else yawns? Breathing is the same. So, if you start taking big deep breaths, eventually your child will mirror the breathing (if they’ve practiced) without even knowing it.

So breathe. For you. For them. Breathe.

#4 – Step away for a few minutes if you need to. If you feel like your patience is about to break, you need to step away. Even just a few feet if they won’t let you leave the room to gather yourself. Tell yourself your can do this. Breathe. Roll your shoulders. Have a wee cry. Then, stand tall, be brave and face the panic with a fresh outlook. It takes about 30 seconds, but it’s worth it. Meet panic with love. Meet panic with acceptance.

#5 – Try the strategies taught to you. Try them all. All the time. My son used to get so mad at me when I tried to distract him (one of the strategies taught to battle panic attacks). He’d say “MOM…I KNOW what you’re doing and stop it. It’s not working and I hate it. Just STOP IT!”. Smart little shit.

But, another time it would work. So, I always tried. Then I’d try the next. Then the next. Then the next. Sometime he’d get so mad at me, but at least it distracted him a bit from the panic. Not only do the strategies help your child, but it also helps calm you down. It gives you something to do.

Think about all the things you have in your toolbox. Use every tool. Mentally go through what else you can do. It’s a great way to distract yourself and focus on helping. It will make you feel better and calmer because at least you have some control about what you can do and say. Control helps. Trust me.

At the end of the day, the best thing you can do to remain calm during a panic attack is to remember: that’s not your kiddo, that’s the panic. Your job is to bring your kiddo back. Your job is love and support and let them know they’re safe and that you’re there.

You’re going to get frustrated. You’re going to get pissed. You’re going to want to reason. You’re going to HATE anxiety. And, that’s okay. Go on and hate it. But not during an attack. Your child is too busy battling dragons to also battle you. So breathe. Know that this panic won’t last forever and your child will come back to you. Support, love and support again.

BONUS TIP:

If you lose your temper – please don’t beat yourself up. If you snap or yell or throw your hands up in frustration – you’re not the first person in a support role to do so. It’s a tough, tough position. It’s exhausting and disheartening. So, if you lose it every now and then – hey – holy shit – you’re human. It’s okay. You’re a rockstar and your child’s safe place…an honor and a curse, I swear.

So lose you mind. Rage, get frustrated…then calm the heck down and get back to breathing and distracting and loving. It all helps. Be kind to yourself. This is tough stuff. But, you can do it. Trust me. I’ve done it so many times and every time I think “Shit…I really fucked that up”…but every time my son tells me how grateful he is for me. Every time we get through it. Every time it ends.

Be their safe place.

BONUS TIP #2:

My last piece of advice is this: If you have a child that has panic attacks and you are their safe place, you need to go to counseling yourself. You cannot handle all that happens during a panic attack on your own. You cannot listen to the words your child says without an outlet to talk to and some strategies to help you “let the words float by you”. You’re going to need help, strategies and support.

Just like your child needs you, you need someone to help you. You need to lean and learn how to process the attacks. So, please find help. I don’t say this lightly, I mean it with every cell in my body.

To sustain the strength required to help your child through a panic attack, you need professional help, counseling and your own strategies.

Good luck out there, Support Warriors. I’m with you. Day in and day out. We will breathe and not reason with our children during the attacks. And we will hug and love them up after they’re through it. And those hugs? They’re the best hugs ever. E.V.E.R.

Reason comes later…with counseling and help. Trust me. You’ll get there. I think.

The One Question That Made Me Stop & Exhale Gratitude

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I was scrolling through Facebook the other day and I read a post that a friend of mine had shared. The final sentence caught me off-guard because rarely do we ask ourselves the truly hard questions.

I read and re-read the last sentence in the post. I made myself a coffee and I went and sat in my backyard on the swing. I thought and I thought about the answer to the question asked and exhaled a breath of gratitude when my answer was “Yes.”

The question was simple but thought-provoking:

If you died today, would you be happy with how you lived?

– Sheri Bialecki

You see, the past few years have been extremely difficult. My child was suffering, my marriage was broken, my business was extremely stressful and I had become someone I didn’t recognize (or like). If that question was presented to me a year ago, my immediate answer would have been “NO”.

But today, after careful thought and consideration, my answer is “Heck YES!”.

I’ve made some huge and hard changes in my life. I stepped back from a business I created and loved with all my heart. I still love it and will always support it, but my path is a new one now.

My marriage is getting stronger every day and there is laughter back in our home.

My child is getting the help he needs.

But, the best part? The best part is that I can breathe again. I’m doing things that make me happy. I’m doing things that help people…maybe not on the empire-building scale I was previously working towards – but on a level that fills my heart and soul.

I have time to sit with my kids and laugh and play. I have remembered how to be silly and light. I get to say “fuck” and not be judged…and if I AM judged…I don’t give a fuck…you’re probably not my people, so move along.

I’m comfortable with who I am as a Mother.

  • My heart and soul.

I’m comfortable with who I am as a wife.

  • He does exist. Proof.

I’m comfortable with who I am as a professional.

  • Pretty much how I look doing fitness program design…every time.

I’m even comfortable with who I am as a friend and I cherish those near and dear to me.

  • Taking more time to be with my amazing friends.

I’m comfortable. And, although not every day is rainbows, hearts and glittery unicorns (if only!)…if I was to die tomorrow, I would be happy with how I lived my life.

Though, I would regret never getting to Africa. That’s still a big one to check off.

I’m on the other side of a few really shitty, shitty years. But, I’m stronger and smarter and more dedicated because of it. I know who my true friends are and I know I can count on them. I know I’m a good Mama doing the best I can.

I also know I’m a good person and although I may have made mistakes in the past, I’ve grown and learned and become the person I am today.

  • I’m the person that inspires hundreds (thousands?!) of people to love themselves.
  • I’m a safe place for my child who needs a whole lot of love.
  • I’m the place my husband comes for love and support and laughter when he struggles with his own “stuff”.
  • I’m silly and quirky and loud and shy.
  • I’m the person you can, 100%, turn to should you need a shoulder and/or a swift kick in the ass.
  • I’m the person you can go to for a laugh or to sit and feel supported.

I get to be a lot of things for a lot of people. And, I’m finally in a place where I can choose who to allow in and who to keep out. I’m at a place where I get to live my best days with joy, hard work and a ton of perseverance.

I’m at a place where if I were to die tomorrow, I’d smile down (or up?!) at all of you (even the assholes) and wish you well. Oh yes, my answer would have been so different a year ago. So, I exhale gratitude for the trials I’ve survived and the place I stand in this moment.

I truly am a lucky woman.