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Are We So Independent That Our Friends Are Scared To Tell Us They Support Us?

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“Not that you need it, but I want to let you know that you have my full support…”

This was the beginning of a message I recently received from a dear friend and my immediate thought as I read that first sentence was: “I sure do need your support. I need you to shout it from the rooftop. I need you to shout in my face over and over and over again that you support me.”

Why? Because…life is hard. Big decisions are harder. When you’re the person making said big, big, big decision, knowing someone supports you, has your back and believes you is EVERYTHING.

Sure, I don’t need your support, but I sure do want to hear it if you have it to give! GIVE IT UP. Tell me. Tell me you support me. Repeatedly. Like, all day. Tell me all day that you support me.

I’m pretty sure I speak for most people who’ve made a big decision in life. If someone reaches out and supports you, you don’t think “Fuck off, I don’t need your support”. You think “Oh jeez…thank you for telling me”.

If you see someone has made a big decision, don’t just think “well, they don’t need to hear that I support them, they’re a big girl/guy – who am I to give them support?” TELL THEM. Always tell them!

Sure, sure…they’re empowered and strong people. They’re smart and don’t “need” your support, but honestly…speaking as someone who just made a big decision, who agonized over it and jumped and let the world know, who’s strong and independent and super smart (yes, I am)…I definitely don’t “need” support, but sheesh…when you give it – it’s everything. It’s validation and relief. It’s acceptance and love. It’s…there’s no other word…it’s everything. Simple as that.

Your support gives us a little boost of confidence. It makes us feel like maybe, just maybe we’ve done the right thing. When you make a big decision, you’re full of doubt, worry, guilt and all sorts of other gory, self-defeating thoughts…

So yeah…you reaching out to say “Hey friend, I support you” could mean the world to them. Do you hear me? THE WORLD.

It did to me.

Don’t doubt your own power to give confidence. Dole that shit out all the time. Sprinkle your support everywhere. And if someone is offended by your support…give them a hug and a swat on the butt…just to throw them for a loop and move on with your day. You supported in a world where support is rarely given on an individual basis.

So, friend…thank you for supporting me. Most importantly…THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME YOU SUPPORT ME.

Do that. All the time. Support one another. Use your words, my friends, words of support mean more than you could ever know.

Team Mean Mom: Rules & Boundaries Required. Wanna join?

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I’m “so mean, Mom“.

I’m “the worst Mom EVER“.

I’m “so ridiculous, Mom“.

I’m “such a Mean Mom“!

I’m “omg…ugh…whatever, Mom *stomp, stomp, stomp, slam*”.

#TeamMeanMom

And ya know what? I’m proud to be part of Team Mean Mom. I stand tall and wave the Team Mean Mom banner. I wear the colors (really, ir’s just grey sweats with coffee and wine stains, but who are you to judge? I see that booger swiped on your shoulder and I salute you).

What does it mean to be a member of Team Mean Mom?

It means you set boundaries. It means you say “no” to your kids when your kids should be told “no”. It means you cancel plans that your kids were looking forward to because their behavior is/was atrocious and you need them to understand there are consequences to their shitty actions.

Team Mean Mom is a group of Moms (really, it’s just me, but I feel better thinking there’s a team of us out there) who refuse to raise little assholes who have zero respect for…well…respect.

To become a member of Team Mean Mom, you will be hazed. Not be me, I’m not mean to other women, mostly I’m just “mean” to my kids. No, I won’t haze you…but your kids will. 100%. Guaranteed hazing.

I’m part of Team Mean Mom because I enforce rules, and I demand respect. Not only respect for me, but for themselves, for others, for space, for time (mine and others’), for the multitude of things that bring them joy.

Don’t even get me started on all the other “things” that are similar to respect but show up in a list of “isn’t this just good behaviour and isn’t it a given that you should life your life like this”?! Such as:

  • Taking care of their shit.
  • Taking care of one another.
  • Not being little a-holes.
  • Being on time.
  • Being kind to themselves and their friends.
  • Doing their homework.
  • Cleaning their rooms (ties nicely into respecting the stuff we work hard to provide them with).
  • Showing gratitude.
  • Doing chores without complaint.
  • Being proactive and asking how they can help
  • …and many more things we are trying to teach our children.

And hey, listen, I KNOW they’re kids and that they’re learning and testing boundaries. I, 100%, know that. But how the heck are they going to learn those boundaries if we don’t hold them accountable for asshole-like behavioiurs, or even, just general poor decisions or poor time management?

I’m certainly held accountable by them, so why shouldn’t they be held accountable to me?

So, I’m a Mean Mom. I say “no”. I call them out when their behaviour is poor. I let them know if they’ve hurt my feelings. I let them know when they’re total shitheads…but I also tell them why.

I don’t just randomly take things away. I explain to them why they’re losing a privilege. I explain why their behaviour was not okay. I explain why I’m losing my ever-loving mind and that I love them, but they overstepped their awesomeness for the day and I need to reign them in.

It is not often well-received. I’m often eye-rolled and stomped away from. But then, after some time, I’m apologized to and my kids often acknolwedge with their own words what happened and why they will try not to do _______________ (insert shitty behaviour here) again.

And hey…I KNOW they’re going to do it again. That’s okay. They’re learning. I will continue to remind them. I will continue to work with them. I will continue to say “no”, take things away and help my kids grow to be kind, smart, compassionate, driven and amazing children. And I gotta say, it’s mostly because I’m a Mean Mom.

#TeamMeanMom

I’m a part of Team Mean Mom and I hope you’re beside me. Because when I see another “Mean Mom” on the street, in the aisle of the grocery store, at the park, at a sporting event, in a restaurant…you can bet your sweet ass I’m going up to her, giving her a hug and hip bump to let her know that we are stronger as a team.

We may be part of Team Mean Mom, but we’re certainly doing it for all the right reasons.

Stay strong, Mean Moms. I got your back.

Why Team Sport is One of the Answers to Supporting Kids with Mental Health Issues

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I must admit that I am writing this on a high right now. I’m high from the gold medal my son, his team and his coaches won yesterday for his Atom season of hockey. I’m high on pride. I’m high on relief. I’m high on gratitude.

To say this hockey season was difficult for my son and I would be the understatement of the year. I’ve never ever seen someone battle mental illness the way my son did. So many times I wanted him to quit. So many times I begged for him to “please not do this to us today”. So many times I wanted to give up.

But, my son…he wouldn’t let me.

He wouldn’t quit on himself. He wouldn’t quit on his team. He wouldn’t quit on his coaches. He wouldn’t stop because he loves, loves, loves the sport of hockey. He refused to stay home and often times he’d be in the middle of a panic attack outside the dressing room (wracking sobs, hyperventilation, nausea, yelling) and I’d beg him “Why, Owen? Why? This isn’t fun…how is this fun”?

His answer was simple: “I love this game, Mom”.

So, we forged ahead.

This season my son has taught me what true perseverance is.

And yesterday, during the gold medal round that went into an overtime shootout, no one was more surprised than me to see his hand raise repeatedly to step on the ice and take a shot.

From a kid that battled, and I mean BATTLED all year…he wanted to be the center of attention and take a shot? What the actual f—-?!

And this, this is why sport is so important for kids with mental health issues.

Sport was a safe place for my child to battle. He was never judged (or at least not that I saw and I’m a fucking judge beacon just waiting for y’all to judge my son so I can “educate” you on what a warrior he is). He was never made to feel bad because of his panic attacks. He was celebrated when he entered a room. He was part of a team that honoured him for being him.

Sport gave my son a platform to focus on and eventually succeed. Sport allowed my son to be a part of a team and feel supported even when he felt his most lonely. Sport allowed my son to stomp on anxiety and depression if only for a few hours and raise his own trophy of strength and power in the air.

Sport did that.

But…things could have been so different. I must say that the team he played on, from the players themselves, to the parents to the coaches were the most supportive people I’ve met.

I must take this chance to give my most heartfelt thanks, gratitude and respect to his coach, Ian Taylor. I know that having Owen on a team can be a little intimidating. If you don’t know how to work with a child that suffers from anxiety, the panic attacks can look scary and I’m sure it is terrifying to try to understand what he needs.

Ian, through humor, knowledge, fist bumps, quiet chats on the bench and hugs allowed my son the platform he needed to handle what he needed to handle the way he needed to handle it. It is because of Ian that his players didn’t look at Owen differently. It is because of Ian that his players cheered any time Owen entered the dressing room. It is because of Ian that Owen had the confidence to raise his hand and step onto the ice to shoot during the gold medal overtime shootout.

To the parents of Owen’s teammates: thank you. Your kids should be celebrated and please let them know that their support of Owen has made me tear up on more than a few occasions. Please let them know that their unbridled excitement for Owen’s involvement on their team made him feel like a positive teammate and not a burden.

In fact, during the sem-final game, it was two of his teammates that skated up to him as he was having a panic attack on the ice at the boards as soon as he stepped on. It was his teammates that distracted him, told him he could do it and put him to work. It was his teammates that got him playing that game…not his coach, not his Mom…his teammates.

That is why sport is so important. What a foundation we’re building for our kids! If you’ve ever worried about putting your child with anxiety in sport: don’t. It’s hard. Often times it is heart-breaking…but a team sport can help more than hinder, especially if you have a coach and team like we had.

We’ve gone from not being able to get on the ice to, at the gold medal game, Owen walking into the dressing room smiling, joking and telling me to “beat it, Mom”. I can tell you right now it’s because of his coaches (not just Ian – Bruce, Trevor, Jody and Amelia…my utmost respect and gratitude for all you’ve done this entire year for my child) and his incredible teammates that Owen was successful

Here’s a quick glimpse into what Owen loved about his coach and how humor helps in sport:

“Owen and Ian, I’d love a picture of you guys today.”

“Ugh. No Owen, can you please just make a normal face?!”

“Ugh. Ian! Knock it off!”

“No seriously. GUYS! CAN I JUST GET A NICE PHOTO?!”

“Sheesh. Thank you.”

That was how the gold medal game started. Humor, support, love and compassion. That is his coach, 100%.

What a season. I’m not shy about saying I’m truly glad it’s over. It was exhausting and it left my heart and soul bruised more often than not as my son’s support warrior. But, for Owen, this showed him time after time that he could overcome, he could have fun and be free from anxiety.

He could succeed.

And there, my friends is the number one reason your child should be involved in sport. Even if they’d lost…my son won that game because during his final game…anxiety wasn’t present for a second. It was dismissed for the day and replaced with fun and excitement.

Thanks, Juan de Fuca Hockey Association for having such incredible coaches. It is because of the coaches you bring on that my child stepped over his anxiety and reached this level of confidence…and success.

Most importantly, thanks JDF Atom C1 – YOU ALL are the reason hockey still lives in our house and the love of the game still runs rampant through my son’s veins. xo

Snowy Days & Kiwi Crates Go Hand in Hand – Get Your Kids Building and Learning Before They Drive You Insane

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Winter, eh? We’ve been hit hard on Vancouver Island for the past week or so and yes, I know it is NOTHING compared to the Polar Vortex many of you are suffering through. With closed schools due to ridiculously low temperatures, or closures because of crazy amount of snow, you have kids in the house and I’m going to bet by day 3, you’re all going a little squirrelly.

I’m right, aren’t I?

I wanted to share with you a subscription box I received over Christmas from KiwiCo. KiwiCo is a subscription box for your kids filled with hands-on science and art projects. No electronics! Just super cool doing, learning and having fun.

I received the “Atlas” crate for my daughter who is 8 (going on 21) and the “Tinker” crate for my son who is 10. My daughter opened her crate right away and got to work building a globe and learning about where we live in relationship to the rest of the world.

My son? He looked at the box and wanted to go play his video game but opened it once he saw his sister working away on her globe. Much to both of our surprise…his crate involved building a catapult. So yeah…he was in it now and was busy, busy, busy for the next 4 hours building and playing the catapult game he put together and figuring out the best angles to win.

Once they had gone through the entire box of goodies, science and fun, they worked with one another to explain what each had done and what was included in each crate. It was really fun to watch them teach one another.

THEN…our neighbour friends came over and the discovery, teaching and learning continued as they worked through the workbooks included and playing with their “new toys they made”.

During a time when it is so simple to plug your kids into electronics on cold and blustery days, it was incredible to give the kids something to do that they were not only super excited to get to work on, but even more excited to show their friends what they did.

In total, my kids were busy for 5 hours the day they opened their crates and have been playing with the catapult and globe ever since.

With the cold weather and our kids being a little house-bound, this was an incredible “trick up my sleeve” to keep them learning, engaged and off electronics! They’re looking forward to next month when they receive their next crate! Honestly…they check the mail every day!

If you’d like to get a Kiwi Crate, you can get one for FREE if you click this link. You just pay for shipping! Pretty great, eh?

Hours and hours of fun, learning…and QUIET?! YES PLEASE!

CLICK HERE FOR YOUR FREE KIWI CRATE!

What Support Warriors Actually Need as We Stand, Support and Battle for Our Loved Ones with Mental Illness

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Let me start by saying this: being the “safe place” for my son as he battles his anxiety and depression is an honor and I am 100% grateful that I am his person. Never doubt that. Please. You have no idea the effort and “blocking” it takes to be the support person he releases all his ugly words, emotions and energy on during his moments of crisis.

I have incredible respect for those of you who battle mental illness. I call you Mental Health Warriors. To get up, get out of bed, be judged, work through it, get through each day and brave on to the next – you have my full and complete respect. But the following words are not for you. They’re for the Support Warriors who stand and fight beside you in not only your times of crisis, but every day you may or may not need us.

When my son is in the midst of a panic attack he becomes a different person. He’s angry. He can’t breathe. He cries. He yells. And he says the most heart-breaking words you could ever imagine your child saying. I won’t tell you what he says, because those are his words, his moment and you don’t have the right to know. But, they’re awful, hurtful, and tear my heart apart every time they leave his mouth and hit my ears.

At the end of the day, I know I’m loved. I know that when my son gets through an attack we will both be exhausted and raw. And, as much as I know he doesn’t mean the words he says during an attack, hard as I try, they do chip away at my heart and my confidence in being able to be what he needs. Once he’s settled, my heart and soul remain bruised and battered and need to be nurtured. And this is when Support Warriors feel their lonliest. After an attack.

Trust me when I tell you that Support Warriors are well aware of the work that goes into supporting mental illness. We know the strategies to try, we know what to do…or we don’t, but ultimately we’re doing the best we can with the tools we have at the moment. Unfortunately, most Support Warriors feel the need to constantly defend their choices, their tactics and their strategies to the public who know very little about what we go through.

When you see us working with our loved one to get them through an attack, we don’t want your advice. We really don’t. It’s distracting and takes our focus and energy away from the person who most needs it.

Please don’t tell me to get my child to breathe (he hates breathing strategies). Please don’t tell me to distract him (he hates distraction). Please don’t tell me to tell him to list things he can feel, smell, taste, etc…he also hates that. As a Support Warrior, I know all this. I’ve learned all this and for us…it hasn’t worked yet.

When I get my child through an attack, the last thing I want to hear is how I could have done it differently. Maybe tomorrow I’d be up for your opinion, but definitely not right after. I’m raw. I’m hurting. I’m relieved. I’m exhausted.

Advice, although well-intended, actually isolates us. It makes us lonlier than you could ever imagine. We’re not asking you for strategies in those moments. Truly. We’re asking you to give us space to support. We’re asking you to not judge us. We’re asking you to not judge the person we’re supporting. We’re asking you to support us, give us a hug when you can and tell us we’re pretty (just kidding…just tell us that you can see we’re doing the best we can in a really difficult situation).

For all of you Support Warriors out there, I’m here. I feel you. I appreciate you. I will battle beside you every single day. You are amazing. The words you hear, the emotions you absorb and the impact that energy has on your soul is crushing. I feel you. I hear you.

I am you.

You are not alone in this.

Not only do our Mental Health Warriors needs support, but the family members, the friends, the coaches and anyone else who is trying their best to help, empathize and encourage…they need your support. When we manage to get our Warrior through a panic attack, a bout of depression, an episode or whatever our Warrior is going through, we need to know that love and compassion await, not judgment on what we could be doing better.

We need you to check in on us. We need you to hug us. We need you to empathize. We need you to tell us how fucking strong we are because, trust me, supporting anxiety and depression is soul-crushing work. Would I change it if I could? F**K YES. I wouldn’t wish mental illness on anyone. But can I change this right now? No.

So, I need support and love. I need to know I’m not alone.

Support Warriors – you are fucking rockstars. You deserve all the self-care you can swing. You need to take a moment when your person gets through their attack to acknowledge how fucking SHITTY that was and that you ALSO made it. You are also a WARRIOR. You battle. You fight. You support. You love at times where you have all the anger and hatred directed at you. And yet…there you stand. Doing your best to get your Warrior to a safe place. YOU are their safe place.

Support Warriors – where is your safe place? Do you have one? Are you taking care of your own heart and soul to help you get through? I sure hope so. You’re important. You’re going to need counseling. Trust me. Get it. Find it.

My idea of self-care. Yoga in a beautiful place with amazing Hot Mamas.

You are not alone. You do not have to battle alone.

If you’re reading this and this has struck a chord with you, please reach out. If you need support in supporting – please reach out. You’re not alone. We can battle for our Mental Health Warrior, but do not forget to take care of you. If you’re feeling lonely, judged, pitied and like you’re not doing enough – welcome, my friend – you’re officially a Support Warrior. Now the goal is to support one another and build one another back up.

I will tell you over and over again how amazing you are. How strong you are. I would glue your heart back together and sprinkle glitter on your soul if I could to brighten your world. But I hope this post at least, in a small way, lets you know you’re not alone.

I’m here. Right beside you. Fighting. Every single day.