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Childhood Anxiety – You Slippery, Fickle F**ker

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First and foremost, please know my son has approved this post. I would like to continue to honor and share his journey as I know our words have previously helped many adults and youth , and will do so only with his permission. As he grows, I want him to know that he has the power to help through sharing and educating – but should he choose to stop sharing at some point, I will honor and respect his wishes.

Quick review

For those new to my blog, here’s what you should know: I’m a Mom to two wicked kids, I used to own a business but now I happily work for others and I’ve battled my own mental illnesses in the past, present and most definitely future. My adorable and smooshie son was diagnosed with four mental illnesses at the age of 10: generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, panic disorder (this one is a real bitch) and depression (also a real sneaky shithead).

Anxiety & what we’ve learned

We’ve learned in counselling (about a year of it now), that anxiety is slippery and sneaky. We’ve learned we can shrink anxiety and worry, but we’ve also been educated that it’s always there, making plans and scheming how to take over again. Sneaky fucker.

For many kids with anxiety, Covid-19 was a blessing. No school, no sports, no problem. This was true for my son. He thrived at home. No panic attacks, much less worry, no depression. Now granted, for others, anxiety increased during Covid because well – HELLO GLOBAL PANDEMIC. But, for my son, it seemed to give him a chance to rest his neurological system, his physical body and worry was just a shadow of who he used to be.

Oh, FYI…my son named his anxiety “Dickson”. So, if I talk about Dickson, we’re talking about anxiety.

Fast forward to present day. School is back in session for us, full-time. Hockey ice times and now assessments are running. And Dickson is back and PISSED he’s been quiet for months. He’s now puffed up his chest like the total dickhead he is and forced himself to be heard, seen, felt and feared.

Panic has been back in our house now for a few weeks and it’s exhausting. My son has “high level” anxiety, says his counsellor. And when she says it, she looks at me like “Linds, babe – he’s got it bad. You’re not wrong that he battles – his anxiety is mucho mucho grande” – probably not those words – she’s a professional – but that’s how I read her face.

Panic attacks have occurred numerous times over the past few weeks. The fear and dread of seeing these come on for my son is all-consuming. I knew they would come. We all did. But DAMN, did we all wish he would be the one that it wouldn’t happen to. DAMN if we didn’t all hang on to the hope that maybe, just maybe, he was the kid to outgrow it.

Erm. No. Not gonna happen, Linds. Nice try.

DAMMIT.

So, we see Dickson coming – all puffed up, furious that he’s been ignored, DEMANDING to be heard, seen, felt and fear – and my son and I – we strap on the battle gear and stand our ground.

The difference now though is that these attacks are bigger, harder, tougher than before. Dickson is mad at being ignored and forced into the background so he’s grown, gotten sneakier, gotten stronger. The attacks are also bigger because now WE are mad. We’re pissed it’s back. So now we have panic AND we have rage.

That’s not good, fyi.

Hockey is a big trigger for my son. We can’t pinpoint exactly what it is about hockey, but currently if we mention it – my son’s anxiety “tells” begin. Dancing feet, tongue moving side to side, fidgeting – they show up. I strap on my armour of strategy and get ready to work with Dickson and basically tell him to “fuck off and leave my kid alone”. Dickson doesn’t want to listen right now. He ravages my son and leaves him exhausted, depleted, apologetic (that one kills me) and yup – pissed at the fact that this is something he has to deal with.

“Why me, Mom?”

Aw man, buddy. Because you’re strong enough to handle it? Because it’s actually a gift you’ll understand later – this sensitivity of yours? Because you’re a mother fucking warrior and will get through this?

Nah. I just say “I don’t know, pal. I would take it away if I could”.

Back to the subject of hockey. If hockey is such a trigger, why not just quit?

“Because I love it with all I am, Mom”.

Good reason. Got it.

And that has worked for a few years now. We agree to play hockey. Our family supports our guy as he panics and we cheer and shimmy-shake when he gets on the ice.

The big decision

But this year is different. Covid has added an extra stress to a place we don’t need extra stress and Dickson has taken full advantage of this and is running rampant through my son’s mind and taking over his body.

If I may just quickly: Fuck you, Dickson.

My son and I have had numerous conversations about hockey this year. My husband and I have, too. It’s a constant thought in our minds – is all this suffering worth it?

For awhile, from my son, the answer was yes. But recently, there’s been hesitaton.

I feel my son worries about letting us down, feeling like a failure, “letting anxiety win” and there are a few things he should know:

  • As long he does what’s right for him, he won’t let us down.
  • There is no failure when you make a decision based on personal health and happiness.
  • Anxiety isn’t winning, we’re just controlling it – that little beast doesn’t get the best of you, O, you get to control him and the decisions you make to shrink Dickson back down? – THAT is winning,

We are in assessments right now at hockey. We haven’t been able to get to any ice times yet because – because well anxiety/panic. A few days ago I let our son know he had a practice coming up. The immediate panic response was visible. As we watched tv that night, my son turned to me and said “I’m getting really nervous about hockey”, and so began our conversation on the option to continue on or to not play this year.

We left it at “Let’s just table if for tonight and see how you feel in the morning”.

That night at bed, my son let me know again that he was nervous. It was all over his face. I said to him “O, why don’t we just take hockey off your plate tomorrow and see how you feel after that?”.

The visible reaction was incredible. You could SEE the weight lift off his chest and he took the biggest breath I think he’s ever taken in his life. A moment later he said “Whoa. That was a big breath”. I smiled and said “Yeah, I saw that and I did the same, buddy”.

We smiled at one another in that moment of knowing and, our continued support of one another grew again. As I left his room that night he quietly said “Mom, I don’t think I’ll play this year”.

“Sounds good, pal. How does that feel?”

And we both took another huge, cleansing breath and he said “Those were some big breaths for us both. I feel good”.

So, friends. No hockey for us this year. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love the sport. It 100% doesn’t mean he’s given up on managing anxiety. It means he’s chosen to put suffering away and choose a path he can manage and as his Mama – I COULD NOT BE PROUDER of that hard decision he just made.

Most adults I know aren’t as mature when it comes to doing what they need to do for their mental health as my 11-year old son.

This year, we play basketball. Practice last night was “the best basketball practice ever”. There was some nervousness going in – but hey – everyone gets nervous going into their first practice of the year. That is normal anxiety.

I’ve had a lot of people asking how our family is. To answer – we’ve been through the wringer the past month – but we’re growing, learning and managing. We’re happy and supported. My son is finding his voice when things bother him and THAT is worth it all.

Thanks for being here. Thanks for supporting us. Thanks for caring and asking. Our journey is not over and together we can do anything. From supporting one another, to knowing I have support from my husband at home to knowing I have a ray of sunshine from my daughter always waiting for us – we’re okay.

How to Stay Calm & Help Your Child During Their Panic Attack

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Panic attacks are horrible. If you’ve ever experienced one, you know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t had one yourself, perhaps you’ve seen someone go through it. Or, perhaps you haven’t at all experienced a panic attack, in which case, consider yourself very lucky.

Panic attacks look different for everyone. Some people feel like they’re about to die. That is not an exaggeration. Their heart rate increases, breathing rate increases, they feel hot, nauseous. Often times, if they’ve never had an attack before, they’ll end up in the hospital. They honestly feel like they are about to take the Big Dirt Nap.

Other panic attacks present in anger, rage and physical outbursts. Others in crying, sobbing and “overly emotional” outbursts.

There is no one-size-fits-all for a panic attack, so if you feel like your child may be experiencing anxiety or panic, please reach out for help.

My son battles massive panic attacks. When he was officially diagnosed with panic disorder, I thought “No shit”. Counseling is helping and the “great” thing is that my son experiences panic attacks with the counselor and she has validated the extent of his attacks for me.

“Linds, his attacks are massive. These are not small on any scale, these are incredibly large”.

Why did that validate? Because there is no guide to panic. I felt like his attacks were huge and terrible and awful, but when a professional says that to you, you simply feel…validated. Like, yeah…okay…I thought so, but I don’t know what others go through, so I thought they were terrible and now it’s confirmed, they’re fucking awful.

And no, it doesn’t matter. My son’s attacks are his and comparison is useless. But validation, for me as a parent, was huge.

Why? Because during his attacks I feel useless, helpless and terrible. I often lose my temper and my patience and I get super frustrated. When I see one coming on, I feel the need to suit up in full armour and get ready to battle. Again. No exaggeration. I honestly feel the need to protect myself, mentally and emotionally, every time I see an attack coming on.

Knowing that these attacks are atypical and “extreme” somehow validates that this is HARD. Not only for him, but also for me as his Support Warrior. I’ve learned about what to do during a panic attack from my son, and I wanted to share my experiences with you.

This may or may not help you, but I can at least share what works for me and maybe, just maybe, you’ll find even a little tidbit to help you feel a little more supported in the lonely role this is Support Warrior.

The #1 thing I want you to remember is:

Your child is battling dragons during a panic attack and they have NO TIME to reason with you. I repeat, they have NO TIME to reason with you. No time to breathe and “calm down”. NO TIME to talk things out with you. No. Time.

THEY ARE BUSY BATTLING DRAGONS AND COULD DIE IF THEY DON’T FOCUS ON BATTLING DRAGONS.

via GIPHY

So…they make very little sense. THEY ARE BUSY.

Don’t tell them to breathe. Don’t tell them to calm down. Don’t tell them that they’re being ridiculous.

Be there. Tell them they’re safe. Tell them you’re with them. Tell them you love them.

Try super hard to not lose your shit because THEY WILL MAKE ZERO SENSE during a panic attack and often times that is 100% infuriating.

My son battles for hours. And in that time he makes no sense. His elbow pad will feel off and awaaaaaaay we go. Panic city. How can an elbow pad set off a panic attack? It can’t…it’s something tangible his worry can focus on and blame. But trying to reason that it’s the same elbow pad he’s put on for a year doesn’t help him.

Frustration WILL set in because panic can’t be explained or reasoned.

Here’s what you need to remember and here’s how to stay calm during your child’s panic attack:

#1 – As mentioned – remember that all reason is out the window. Think of their mind as having two zones – reason and panic. If panic is switched on, reason is eclipsed. If reason is switched on, panic – hovers (I wish it were eclipsed, but mental illness doesn’t work like that). But, if you can remember that when in a panic, your child is very busy battling…it helps. There is zero reasoning. I cannot stress this enough. Zero.

#2 – Remember that the words said aren’t personal. As hard as this may be, your child is going to say things you don’t want to hear. DO NOT OVERANALYZE what they say. Leave that to the counselors. Let the words float over you and do not grab hold of one sentence and cling to that with worry. It’s useless. Let the words float over you and leave them in the panic once it’s over.

#3 – Breathe. I know I told you to not tell your kids to breathe, but that’s because they’re in a panic. They physically cannot take time to breathe during an attack, they’re busy (remember – DRAGONS!!). But, you can breathe. And, if your child practices breathing exercises (NOT IN A PANIC) they will mirror your behavior and not even know it.

You know how you yawn when someone else yawns? Breathing is the same. So, if you start taking big deep breaths, eventually your child will mirror the breathing (if they’ve practiced) without even knowing it.

So breathe. For you. For them. Breathe.

#4 – Step away for a few minutes if you need to. If you feel like your patience is about to break, you need to step away. Even just a few feet if they won’t let you leave the room to gather yourself. Tell yourself your can do this. Breathe. Roll your shoulders. Have a wee cry. Then, stand tall, be brave and face the panic with a fresh outlook. It takes about 30 seconds, but it’s worth it. Meet panic with love. Meet panic with acceptance.

#5 – Try the strategies taught to you. Try them all. All the time. My son used to get so mad at me when I tried to distract him (one of the strategies taught to battle panic attacks). He’d say “MOM…I KNOW what you’re doing and stop it. It’s not working and I hate it. Just STOP IT!”. Smart little shit.

But, another time it would work. So, I always tried. Then I’d try the next. Then the next. Then the next. Sometime he’d get so mad at me, but at least it distracted him a bit from the panic. Not only do the strategies help your child, but it also helps calm you down. It gives you something to do.

Think about all the things you have in your toolbox. Use every tool. Mentally go through what else you can do. It’s a great way to distract yourself and focus on helping. It will make you feel better and calmer because at least you have some control about what you can do and say. Control helps. Trust me.

At the end of the day, the best thing you can do to remain calm during a panic attack is to remember: that’s not your kiddo, that’s the panic. Your job is to bring your kiddo back. Your job is love and support and let them know they’re safe and that you’re there.

You’re going to get frustrated. You’re going to get pissed. You’re going to want to reason. You’re going to HATE anxiety. And, that’s okay. Go on and hate it. But not during an attack. Your child is too busy battling dragons to also battle you. So breathe. Know that this panic won’t last forever and your child will come back to you. Support, love and support again.

BONUS TIP:

If you lose your temper – please don’t beat yourself up. If you snap or yell or throw your hands up in frustration – you’re not the first person in a support role to do so. It’s a tough, tough position. It’s exhausting and disheartening. So, if you lose it every now and then – hey – holy shit – you’re human. It’s okay. You’re a rockstar and your child’s safe place…an honor and a curse, I swear.

So lose you mind. Rage, get frustrated…then calm the heck down and get back to breathing and distracting and loving. It all helps. Be kind to yourself. This is tough stuff. But, you can do it. Trust me. I’ve done it so many times and every time I think “Shit…I really fucked that up”…but every time my son tells me how grateful he is for me. Every time we get through it. Every time it ends.

Be their safe place.

BONUS TIP #2:

My last piece of advice is this: If you have a child that has panic attacks and you are their safe place, you need to go to counseling yourself. You cannot handle all that happens during a panic attack on your own. You cannot listen to the words your child says without an outlet to talk to and some strategies to help you “let the words float by you”. You’re going to need help, strategies and support.

Just like your child needs you, you need someone to help you. You need to lean and learn how to process the attacks. So, please find help. I don’t say this lightly, I mean it with every cell in my body.

To sustain the strength required to help your child through a panic attack, you need professional help, counseling and your own strategies.

Good luck out there, Support Warriors. I’m with you. Day in and day out. We will breathe and not reason with our children during the attacks. And we will hug and love them up after they’re through it. And those hugs? They’re the best hugs ever. E.V.E.R.

Reason comes later…with counseling and help. Trust me. You’ll get there. I think.

#PushingForAwareness – Update on Our Campaign to Raise Awareness for Childhood Mental Illness

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We’re over halfway through our campaign to raise awareness for childhood mental illness and we’re still pushing away. Today is Day 30 of 50 and we’ve completed 50 pushups every single day so far.

Here’s a little background on #PushingForAwareness:

My son battles severe panic disorder, generalized anxiety, social anxiety and depression. He’s 10 years old and he’s been battling for a good 4 years now. Over the past year (before psychiatric diagnosis), he had to battle harder than I’ve seen anyone battle for anything.

After being on multiple waitlists and months and months of asking “Can I get help today, Mom?”, he was finally seen by a psychiatrist and diagnosed with his mental illnesses. He was prescribed medication to help him battle and he’s been rockin’ his meds for six weeks now.

We have great days and we have terrible days, but at the end of each day, I know he’s getting better. Although the hard days are extremely exhausting and heart-crushing, the good days are more frequent and help to restore our energy and our broken hearts.

While we were trying to get my son help, I found a serious lack of resources. No, that’s untrue. There are loads of resources, but I had no idea where to look. I had no idea how to help my son and I truly didn’t want to simply take advice from Dr. Google. This was my son we were talking about, he deserved real medical help.

I also found that supporting my son through the dark, dark times was extremely lonely. I often felt judged, alone and terrified. I didn’t know where to turn to get support. I was unaware of the resources available to families fighting for a loved one with mental illness.

But, we fought daily and while we fought, I found my son wanted to talk about what was happening to him and learn as much as he could about his brain. I also discovered his desire to educate.

One of the cool things about my son is that he is very, very open about his mental illness. If you want to talk to him about it, all you have to do is ask. He also loves to educate people on it. His teammates, his coaches, our family, his friends, etc. He wants people to understand what mental illness can look like and wants people to not be scared of it. He wants people to talk about childhood mental illness.

So, we created #PushingForAwarness to not only raise funds for organizations dedicated to raising awareness for mental illness but more importantly, to ensure the conversations about childhood mental illness are happening. We committed to 50 pushups for 50 days to help raise funds to support organizations we love that help kids and their families battle mental illness.

The Update:

As of today, we’re on Day 30 of 50 and we’ve crushed 50 pushups for 30 days. The goal is to continue on for 20 more days. We have raised over $3000 so far, but we have a ways to go to meet our goal of $5000.

Day 7 – #PushingForAwareness

We’ve done pushups at baseball practice, in the early morning, late at night, and this weekend, with the Victoria HarbourCats.

We’ve also talked and talked and talked about childhood mental illness and I’ve gone Live on Facebook almost daily with current stats on people battling mental illness around the world and the lack of funding, support and knowledge.

I’ve been criticized for being so open about my son’s illness but I find that one of the most empowering pieces of feedback. I ask for my son’s approval for every piece I write and he approves all of it. If he terrifies others by being so open, then I think we’re doing something right. People are scared that he talks about this so openly.

Let them be terrified. We will continue to talk. And me…I will continue to be the most proud of all the Mama Bears out there.

I’m beyond proud of my son for the effort he puts in every day with this campaign. He’s inspired so many. And, he supports others raising awareness for mental illlness. This past weekend, we met up with an Oak Bay Councilor who rode a stationary bike to promote Ride, Don’t Hide. It was great for my son to see that others are also working hard to raise awareness and funds for mental illness.

He’s the reason elementary school kids started randomly doing pushups on the playground and having a conversation about childhood mental illness. He’s the reason I’m writing the scary truth about mental illness day after day after day. He’s the reason so many people have donated to our campaign, or become fundraisers themselves.

He’s the reason for all of this and is kicking some serious ass.

We have 20 days left. 20 days to raise another $2000. 20 days to do 1000 more pushups. 20 days to talk and talk and talk and talk about childhood mental illness.

But…if you think we’ll be quiet about it after the campaign is done…you’re wrong. We’ll continue to talk. I hope you will, too.

Where does the money raised from #PushingForAwareness go?

As we’ve gone through the campaign, we’ve found four organizations that support mental illness and feel are a good fit.

They are:

Buddy Check for Jesse
Head & Heart SK
Stigma-Free Society
FamilySmart

Once the campaign is finished, Owen will decide how much money will go to each organization and present his donations to each. I can’t wait for that.

There’s the update, my friends.

1500 pushups done. 30 days. $3320 raised.

All to support and initiate conversations about childhood mental illness.

If you’d like to donate, please CLICK HERE. We’d appreciate any and all donations. Any amount helps and we’d be incredibly grateful to you for your support.

And please…share this campaign on your social. Please help us keep the conversations going and the donations coming in.

Thank you for your support, your kinds words and all the love you’ve sent us along the way. My son continues to battle daily and I stand beside him, sword drawn, battling his demons for him on the days he can’t. I’m proud to do it. I’m honoured to do it. But, he’s the real hero. He overcomes daily. He fights harder and has more grit and determination than any adult I know. He’s the coolest 10-year-old out there…and he’s the reason this campaign is going so well.

Thank you. Truly. Thank you for all of your support. xo

5 Days Of Health & Fitness Tips: Day FIVE – Energy Adjustment Required

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As most of you know, my son battles mental illness. Hard. This week has been particularly hard and I find myself exhausted, depleted, a little bruised and in need of a regroup.

While his panic attacks are not at all about me, as his support warrior, the energy required to help him is incredible. While I wouldn’t change who he is for an instant, even this shitty illness we’ve waged war on, I find myself searching for a way to fill up my bucket.

So, these tips are selfish tips. These are things I am going to do over the weekend so I can recharge and be ready for baseball on Sunday – an anxiety trigger, for sure.

Childhood mental illness is hard. These are the faces of two people who are over it for the week.
How we feel about his anxiety this week.

If you’re feeling a little blue, a little down, a little defeated right now…please join me and let’s energize together for a few days.

Here are 5 ways I’m going to rest and recharge:

#1 – Sleep. My days are very, very busy. And although I work from home, the demands are incredible. I am a “stay-at-home” Mom but I also have a full-time job. In order to fit both titles in, I start working at 5 am (sometimes earlier) and typically don’t go to bed until about 10:30 pm.

That’s not enough sleep. I know that. Don’t lecture me. LOL.

So, this weekend, I’m going to sleep. Although I won’t be able to sleep in, I wake automatically at 5 or 6, I will go back to bed when I’m tired. This usually comes at about 10 am. So I promise myself to go back to bed and have a nap this weekend.

I’m going to nap!

#2 – I need some time with my bestie. No one knows me better than my best friend and no one makes me laugh and relax better than her. We’re going to get together, let the kids do whatever the heck they want, catch up on the Bachelorette (mindless tv that makes me cringe is my jam) and have a glass of pinot grigio (or 3).

I will laugh. I may cry. But at the end of our time together, my soul will be lighter and happier. That is the magic of my best friend. She’s mine…you’re going to have to get your own.

#3 – I’m going for a run. Running is a meditative time for me. Not on purpose, it just happens. I put my earbuds in, crank my country music (judge away, I grew up with it and it makes me happy) and I let my mind rest. T

This weekend I will do a nice little 8k run. More often than not, I come up with my next idea for my business on my runs because my mind opens to all the things. Or, sometimes the opposite happens and it totally shuts down and I just run and run. When I’m done my body, mind and soul sigh with relief and joy.

#4 – I’m eating the damn peanut butter cups. During the week I don’t eat sweets and I watch my sugar intake. So, peanut butter cups are off the table. Well, as of 4 pm today, I’m on “Fill Your Bucket” time.

Fingers crossed the peanut butter cup fairy shows up…otherwise, I’m off to the store to stock up. Hello, Big Cups! I’m eating them up and there will be zero guilt and all the yums.

#5 – I’m refusing to go to baseball tonight. My son adores playing sports but it is definitely the leading cause of his panic attacks. I’m not saying he has anxiety because of sport, in fact, I believe sport helps kids with mental illness in many, many ways. I’m just saying it triggers his anxiety to take over his body.

As his support warrior, the prep is most difficult. More on that in another post. Just know it’s a lot of energy expended to ensure I’m ready to support should he need me to guide him through a panic attack. It’s a lot.

So tonight, I’m saying “no”. He’s exhausted from the week. I’m exhausted from the week. So, we’re going to our friend’s house and we’re skipping ball.

Now, you may not have a sport to say “NO” to, but I bet you have something planned that you could eliminate and feel better for getting rid of it. Do that, do what’s right for you and eliminate the source of anxiety. Enjoy your time not doing the thing…at least that’s my plan.

There ya go. That’s what I’m up to this weekend. One of you asked how i re-charge and I think I have a pretty solid plan here. Will you join me? What are you going to tackle this weekend so you can rest your body, mind and soul and get back to you.

Because, you’re important. Your energy is important. Time to fill up!