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Parenting 101: Battling Disappointment with Fun, Laughter & Ice Cream

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Life can be utterly disappointing sometimes. As adults, we have learned strategies to overcome disappointment. Wine-drinking, bitching to girlfriends or my favorite, physical activity (i.e. exercise!!). But, teaching our children how to overcome disappointing moments in life is a tough lesson to learn, particularly when you are just as disappointed as them. As much as we’d like to yell, scream and/or overturn tables and chairs, this behavior is inappropriate and other coping mechanisms should be used (apparently). 

Recently, I was reminded that although disappointing moments in life are well, disappointing, they can also lead to incredible days filled with laughter and joy. It’s really how you frame the day and react to the moment.

My kiddos and I were recently away for Spring Break and after a week away, my kids were absolutely ready to head home. They missed their friends, their beds, their dogs and their Dad. We were all set to wake at 5 am and head to the airport when I received an email notification from Westjet saying our flights had been canceled due to “Crew Issues”. Le sigh. 

I managed to get us on flights the next day and went into the bedroom to tell my kids. My son has some fairly severe anxiety issues and he handles his days best when he knows what the schedule is for the entire day. So, this change in plans was going to throw him for a HUGE loop. I crawled onto the bed where I saw his little shoulders shaking as he hid under the blankets. He knew things had changed. 

I broke the news to my kids that we wouldn’t be heading home that day. My daughter, she’s pretty easy going, said “OK!”. My son…started sobbing under the blankets. As my own disappointment coursed through my body, I had to fight the urge to crawl under the blankets and join him in a sob-session. Instead, I pulled the blankets back, dried his tears and told him I understood how he was feeling. I told him I felt the same way he felt, then asked what can we do to make disppointment…well…positive?

He shrugged.

I shrugged.

Then I said, “Well, I guess we make this the best damn day we’ve had here, don’t we?!” (he likes when I swear a bit, I think it makes him feel more grown up). 

And THAT is what we did. We made a disappointing day one of the best damn days we had on vacation. We went mini-golfing with my Dad. We went swimming with my Mom. We got ice cream and laughed and talked about the fun we were having. We went for dinner with a friend I hadn’t seen for a long time and my kids made new “best friends”. 

The entire day was a reminder to me that disappointment happens. It happens all the time. All. The. Time. But, how we respond and what we do with that disappointment can pivot disappointment into memories we will have forever. Granted, as adults, mini-golf, swimming and ice cream may not alleviate all of life’s disappointments, but maybe reframing our thoughts, taking more positive steps and believing you can make things good again is a step in the right direction.

My kids certainly taught me that disappointment can lead to the best damn day ever. If I learned anything from my son from this experience it’s that disappointment can cripple you. But, with the right support and enough love and determination from the people around you, disappointment can easily be turned into understanding and joy…it’s not what he expected to be doing that day, but he was the most grateful he’d been in a long time.

That being said…if we’d been delayed another day…we would have absolutely been f**ked. Cuz…when a boy loves his dog this much…no amount of ice cream can dissolve that disappointment.

 

6 Random Things I Want My Daughter To Know on International Women’s Day

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Any day when we get to celebrate women, you know I’m going to celebrate and celebrate loudly. My life is based on motivating, inspiring and encouraging women to support, love and lift one another. To fight for one another. To cry on one another’s shoulders. To band around one another without judgment when things get hard. So, to all the women who have touched my life in any way, shape or form…I salute you today.

You’re a badass. 

As we experience and work through campaigns such as #PressforProgress and #MeToo, there are things I truly want my daughter to know. So, I thought I could share them here. You may not agree with all of them, in fact, hardcore feminists are not going to be pleased, but as a strong, educated and loving Mother, these super random points about being a woman are what I want to teach my daughter right now.   

1) We’ve come a long way but there’s still a long way to go. We can vote. We can join the military and fight for our country. We can play sport and *gasp* perspire in public (it wasn’t legal before…seriously…that’s how far we’ve come!). But baby, we still have so far to go. You’ll still be labeled a “bitch” when you fight for something. You won’t make as much money as a man doing the same job. You’ll be mansplained more times than you can count. But…every day there’s progress and there are women still fighting to find balance and keep us moving forward. Join the fight. Stand up for your rights. Be proud to be confident and smart.  

2) There are things men are better at and that’s okay. What the what? Yup. I’m admitting it. And I’m okay with this statement. Stand down, feminists. It’s physiology. Since when can’t we accept that men and women are different? There are also things women are better at then men. So yay for us! But, I choose to celebrate our differences and accept the fact the typically men are stronger than women. It doesn’t make you less of a woman because you can’t open that damn pickle jar…it just means your strengths lie elsewhere. So, baby girl, don’t let differences between the sexes hold you back, celebrate them. And hey, if you want to get stronger…do that! Just don’t think you’re less than because you’re physically weaker than your male counterpart. Don’t even get me started on the male and female brains…there is a reason we’re so different. Be okay with the differences and celebrate the strengths of yours and the opposite sex. 

3) Take the compliment. Sometimes a compliment is just a compliment. There’s no need to overanalyze everything. If someone, male or female, gives you a compliment and it’s genuine and doesn’t creep you out…just say “Thank you!”. How ya doing feminists? You okay with this one? I worry that we’re swinging so far that we will all stop complimenting one another because we’re scared we’ll be called up on sexual misconduct charges. Seriously. It’s a concern of mine. I want my daughter to receive compliments…they feel good. I mean, sure, sure…there’s a limit…”nice rack” isn’t a compliment. But, if a male told her she “looks lovely in that dress”, I’d want her to say “thank you” and go on with her day without another thought. I wonder if this is wrong? All I know is that if I get a compliment, it puts a pep in my step and gives me a zing of happiness. 

Maybe I’m just an attention-seeker. I dunno. But I likes me my compliments and I’d love for my daughter to receive them well. I also want her to know the difference between a compliment and harassment…so there’s that. 

4) Dress how you want to dress. Be you. I was challenged the other day and told I’m too feminine and the things I do to appear more feminine are “setting us back”. Er. Hmmmm. I’m not sure how my own self-care and taking care of myself sets us back, but there are some perceptions out there framed like that. The fact that I get my nails done, get a pedicure, don’t like to go out without makeup…um…that’s just who I am. I LIKE being feminine. I LIKE dressing up. I LIKE wearing dresses. All of these things make me feel…like me. 

So baby girl…you do you. If you like pink…LIKE PINK! Don’t let anyone else tell you because you wear pink and glitter that you’re setting the feminist movement back. You’re not. You like a color. Good for you. You do you and don’t let anyone, male or female, take control of your likes and dislikes. Don’t let anyone ever tell you your choices on how you dress and care for your own body affect another. They affect only you and your love of oneself. Honour and respect yourself not to care and just be you. Okay?

5) Stand tall and be proud of your sex. You’re an effin’ woman. Be proud of that. Many women have fought for the rights you have now, so celebrate the HECK out of them. Learn about Maya Angelou, Anne Frank, Billie Jean King, Florence Nightingale, Amelia Earhart and the hundreds of other women who have done incredible things. Also celebrate your friends, sisters, mothers, auties and tribe that you get to be a part of every single day. Love, support, empower and encourage one another. Stand up for one another. Be a pillar of strength and love for those around you. The power is inside you. Why? Because you’re a woman, that’s why!

6) If you want to do something, do it (as long as it’s legal). Your sex has nothing to do with what you can and cannot do, believe that. If you have a goal, demand success. You’re going to have to work at it. And, if it’s pushing the limits, you’re going to be told you can’t do it, you’ll be ridiculed and bullied. But you’re strong, you’re a woman, you can achieve anything you want to achieve. Of that I am certain. Fight your fight with confidence, bravery and compassion. Be open to learning. Be open to feedback. But if there is one thing I want to teach you, baby girl, it’s that if you want something, no matter your sex, you can achieve it. 

On International Women’s Day, I want to celebrate the fact that I am gloriously a woman. I love it. I love that I have to battle and fight because this makes me stronger. I love that I get to wear dresses and lipstick because this makes me feel beautiful for me and me alone. I love that the women in my life are all completely different and I love them ALL the same because this makes me realize how beautiful this world is. I love that women are standing up and demanding equality and respect because this empowers me to lead the way and blaze a better trail for my daughter.

I love being a woman. I’m PROUD to be a woman. 

Thank you to ALL the women in the past, and in the present, that are fighting for my rights, fighting my daughter’s rights AND her future. I salute the work you do. And me, I’ll continue to build communities of strong, empowered women…because that’s my life’s work and I’m honoured to do just that. 

30 Important and Not-So-Important Things I’ve Learned in my 30’s

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I’m officially in the final week of my 30’s and to be honest, I’m actually struggling a bit with this one. I thought I’d be excited and sort of let time roll along, but turning 40 is a pretty major milestone and it’s made me reflect on all the things (good and bad) that happened during the decade of my 30’s.

I became a mother in my 30’s. I bought a house in my 30’s. I started a company in my 30’s. I met my best friend in my 30’s. I found my tribe in my 30’s. I failed, succeeded, rejoiced and sobbed in my 30’s. I questioned my value and own self-worth in my 30’s. I lost friends, made friends, found out what persevering truly is and I cemented my love of wine and peanut butter cups in my 30’s.

As I reflected on the past 10 years, I created a list of 30 lessons I learned in my 30’s. Some are simple and some take my breath away. They may or may not do this for you, but perhaps something will land and have you nodding and agreeing with me.

1) Hangovers. With every year, the hangovers get longer to get over and honestly they’re worse than any hangover you’ve had in your 20’s. If you’ve ever wondered why your own mother doesn’t drink like she used to, you’ll learn. Oh yes, you’ll learn. For every year in your 30’s multiply by 3 and that’s how many more hours it’ll take you to recover from one night of debauchery. 31. You’re looking at an extra 3 hours of hangover time. 39? You’re looking at an extra 27 hours on top of what you typically experience. I’m not kidding. The math is right.

2) PMS. It gets worse. Just quarantine yourself for a few days. Save everyone.

3) Wrinkles. You can fight ’em. But, they’re coming. Start your skincare regimen NOW.

4) You’re going to lose some of the best friends you had in your 20’s. Life changes, Mamas. Paths change. Be prepared to walk away from friends who no longer add to your life. Be prepared for friends to walk away from you because you no longer add to theirs. Be okay with that. 

5) Death happens. It’s awful and terrible and incredibly heart-breaking. But, you’re getting older and so are the people in your life. Death will come to those around you and won’t always happen to the elderly. Death will happen to incredible people and families close to you, to people the same age as you, to their children. Learn to grieve, breathe, accept and keep living. 

6) Some days…people are just fucking stupid. It’s not on you to make them less stupid. Walk away. Drink wine. 

7) It’s okay to not know what you want to be when you grow up. I’m almost 40 and I still have grand ideas about my potential. 

8) If you’re lucky enough to still have your parents to call or text, do it. They’re getting older. You won’t be able to ignore their texts forever. So, respond. Also…I think when you get into your 60’s you receive some kind of guilt-badge that allows you to lay it on pretty thick, I’ll ask my own Mom…(hi, Mom!).

9) Save yourself the distress and accept that at some point, you’re going to own a minivan and LOVE it. You’ll also most likely GET RID OF IT before you turn 40.

10) You will grunt when you pick things up.

11) There is nothing better than having the house to yourself. Nothing. 

12) You will have great satisfaction when you actually wash, dry, fold and put away the laundry in one day. It’s a magical experience. It won’t happen often, but when it does, you’ll celebrate with a glass of wine.

13) If you’re married, at some point, you’re going to fully question your relationship. Dig in or dig out…whatever leads you to your best self. But know that at some point you’re going to want to get out. Do or don’t, that’s your call, but know that it’s totally and completely normal (trust me, ALL my friends have been there).

14) Sparkling water. Drink it. It’s divine.

15) There is nothing wrong with doing a dance of joy when plans get canceled.

16) Motherhood is fucking hard. You WILL call your child a dick to his face at some point. Be okay with that. Okay…that one may just be me and it just happened yesterday, but it happened and he was being one. I did apologize though…so…call him a dick and apologize. There you go. You’re not alone if you accidentally call your child a terrible name. It’s ok. And, if anyone wants to judge you, find me. I’ll salute you and tell you to apologize and get over it.

17) Good things are hard work. Do the work.

18) There are a lot of bad things that happen in this world, but don’t forget to look at the many, many good things that also happen. When things look super dark, you need to search for the light.

^She is my light. She sparkles.

19) Remember, where you’re at right now is just a moment in time. It may be ridiculously hard, but work through what you’re going through, dig in, and do what you feel is best for you and yours. The moment you’re living in right now will not be the moment you live in 3 months from now. So breathe and get through it. 

20) Life isn’t easy but it’s not always hard. Enjoy the easy moments and revel in them. Get through the hard times and find the light.

21) You’re not crazy. He really did put his coffee cup on the countertop right above the dishwasher. It happened.

22) Your body is going to change. It’s not going to look like it did at 21. It is going to take longer to recover. You’re going to hurt yourself and it really sucks. Metabolic workouts will become your new best workout friend. Seriously…metabolism slows, the right workout boosts it back up. 

23) Your friends and your tribe are more important than anything. Find friends who support, love and cherish you through all the up’s and down’s of your life, your personality, your joy and your sorrow. They will be the ones to pull you out of the dark and dance with you in the sun. 

24) Bedtime is the best time (a close second is wine-time, swiftly followed by friend-time). 

25) Who you are right now isn’t as important as who you want to be. It’s okay for your life’s plan to change and take a road you had no idea even existed a year ago. Trust your gut and follow your joy… that sounds super lame and Oprah-esque, but I swear to you, it’s true.

26) You’re not perfect. Apologize when you mess up. Be humble. Those that cannot accept your faults and mistakes don’t get to hold a place in your life. You don’t have time for drama or friendships that only work when you’re in “a good place”. You’re going to mess up. You’re going to be bitchy. It’s okay. But you do need to apologize. You do need to ask forgiveness. And then you do need to get over it. 

27) If you have a question, ask it. Don’t be timid. Life’s too short to not understand something. Ask why you didn’t get the job. Ask why feelings changed. Ask why there’s tension in a room. Ask how you can be better. Ask for what you need. 

28) It’s not always about you. The way people act, the way they treat you, the way they don’t treat you…sometimes (a lot of times) it’s not about you. Everyone has their own life to live and they may be dealing with something that has nothing to do with you. Give them the grace and space to lead their life. Let them know you’re there and to reach out if they should need or want you, but otherwise…live your life for you. 

29) Further to #28 though…don’t put up with bullshit. Don’t allow the blame of others’ failures or insecurities to seep into your soul. Many people will blame you for many things that will go wrong in their life, don’t own it. You may have strong shoulders and blame can be carried, but it absolutely shouldn’t be absorbed into the composition of your own self-worth. 

30) Acknowledge, admit and own your insecurities to yourself and everyone else. This one is borrowed from a friend, but I love it and I think a lot of us go through life being brave, stoic and hiding the fact that there are things about ourselves that we’re not proud of or happy about. It’s okay to not be perfect and it’s okay to show those imperfections. We’re all a work in progress and admitting insecurities may just be the thing we need to do to grow into the incredible person we’re destined to be. 

There you have it. A decade’s worth of growth summarized in 1500 words. There are so many other lessons I could teach you and talk about, but I’ll let you figure those ones out on your own. Just know this: you’re never alone. Reach out to ask for help. Reach out to celebrate. Reach out to live your best life.

BONUS TIP: It’s okay to celebrate your achievements. It took me a very long time to learn that it’s okay to celebrate even the smallest of successes. Be sure you’re with someone who celebrates and honours your successes with you. It’s more important than you could ever, ever know. 

Hey! You’re Not TOTALLY F**cking It All Up

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Raising girls is hard. 

I’m not saying that raising boys isn’t. I have one of both and if you read my blog at all, you’ll know I work very hard raising my son, as well. But girls, well, they come with a whole other “layer” of girl. 

Raising girls you worry about other girls. You worry about body image. You worry about feminism (yes, you do). You want to raise a strong, independent, smart, confident women who stand up for themselves, others and blah, blah, blah. Be strong, but don’t be a bitch. Speak up. But make sure to listen, too. Help others, but don’t get walked all over.

Frig. So much pressure. 

Here’s what I realized this week. Yes, I want to raise my gal to be strong, but my issues and what I went through aren’t her issues and what she goes through. Do I need to educate her and teach her kindness and how to treat others? Yes. Do I need to teach her right from wrong and how to be a good friend? Absolutely. And that’s stressful. But, she’s 7 and she’s finding her own way in this new world of hers.

I’ve decided I need to put away all the “when I was her age I felt like this” type of thoughts because she is not me. I am not her. I have to remind myself that her life is very different than mine and the way she processes situations is different than the way I would have…and do. 

The other day she came home from school and said “Phew, what a day!” then went on to tell me how two of her friends said they would play with her at recess but when the bell rang, they ran away from her laughing. Now, seven-year-old me? Well, I would have been decimated by that. I would have sniffled all afternoon and felt like no one liked me. My daughter? She shrugged it off and said “Well Mom, sometimes friends just want to play with other friends and that’s just fine, isn’t it? I found a different friend and it turned out just fine”. 

Okay, baby girl. You got me. You are freaking amazing.

Did I teach her that? Yup. Absolutely. Do we constantly have conversations about how people are different and how amazing that is? All. The. Time. 

What I learned this week is that I need to stop projecting the way I know I would have felt in situations onto her. It doesn’t help. She is not me. I am not her. 

I’m raising a confident, strong girl. And you know what, Moms? You are too. Believe me. You are.

What really brought this all home to me was an experience I had in my car this week. I drove my daughter and two of her friends to Brownies. I seriously love listening to them chitter chatter in the backseat. In between the Taylor Swift songs and Halloween costume excitement, these are the words I heard each girl say to another:

You’re so amazing, I just love that idea.

Wow. You’re so creative. I love how you’re like that.

That…is absolutely adorable. You’re so smart.

You’re so tall. I love how we’re all so different.

OMG! OMG! OMG! That is just adorbs (I heard that a lot).

They went on and on and on about what good friends they are. They chatted about how “so-and-so hurt my feelings, but we worked it out by talking about it”. They squealed (no other adjective could be used, truthfully, squeal is appropriate) about how smart, “fabulous” and hilarious they are. It wasn’t about how they looked. It was about being smart, creative, fun to be around. It was about building each other up even when they talked about having hurt feelings. They empowered one another to be better friends. 

Me? I said nothing. I drove on. Gobsmacked. Smiling. Tearing up.

When I worry about how my daughter is getting through the day and fret about what social interactions she may need to go through on the playground…it’s just wasted energy. After hearing how those girls were speaking to one another, I’m confident they’ll be okay. Sure, sure, they will absolutely have some social issues to work through, but that car ride? Well, it reminded me that I’m not the only Mom out there doing the work to raise incredible women.

These strong, kind, empowering girls are the girls we’re raising?! F**K YEAH WE ARE! 

So Mamas, when you doubt yourself and you start projecting your feelings and childhood onto your kiddos. Stop. Take a breath. Your shit is not their shit. Their experiences are so very different. Keep talking about acceptance. Keep talking about being smart, kind, confident. Keep talking about how to be a good friend. Keep talking about what to do when you’re not a good friend or when your feelings are hurt.

Just keep talking. 

Then listen. Listen to your girls. They will blow your mind and remind you that you are NOT f**cking it all up. You really aren’t.

The “Me Too” Viral Status Update Has Me Confused

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I woke up this morning to an incredible amount of women posting “Me too” as their status update. I’m appalled, sad, disappointed and…confused.

I’m not confused with the typical “how is this still happening?”, “why is this still happening?”, “how can we stop this?” type of questions. I’m confused because I don’t know if I know what constitutes sexual harassment. Easy does it, feminists…breathe and keep reading.

Don’t get mad at me because I don’t know. My concern is that I know I have been sexually harassed (a lot) but because it was such a “normal” occurrence in my life, I have until now, just chosen to overlook it and brush it off. 

This makes me reluctant to post “Me too”. 

So, the craziest question keeps popping into my head “Is my level of sexual harassment ‘enough’ to post ‘Me too’ as my status update?”.

What if what I’ve gone through has made me stronger, more resilient, more determined? I know that I accepted it at the time and although it disgusted me, it made me the strong woman I am today. I’m not grateful for it, but it did happen. No, I don’t think sexual harassment is okay but I’m confused because if I post “Me too” and the sexual harassment hasn’t caused me to crumble, am I taking away from women who have gone through something so much worse than a few lewd comments, stares and disgusting conversations? 

Here’s the thing: I often feel like status updates such as these are meant for the victims of terrible occurrences. I don’t feel like a victim. At all. I feel more empowered and stronger than ever. So, I don’t want to take away from those who feel that they are victims of sexual harassment or abuse. 

I don’t want to offend anyone. I absolutely don’t want to condone sexual harassment. But, I do want to take a few moments to step back, re-evaluate and make sure that when I post “Me too”, I’m being honest with myself, with the world and most importantly with my daughter. 

Was what I went through even sexual harassment or is there a “lesser” title I can put on it? How do I know? And, if I knew then what I know now, would I change my reaction?

Most importantly, how can I educate my daughter on what to do when it happens to her (because, let’s be honest, seeing all those “me too’s” has me resigned to the fact that she will)? If I don’t know how to step up to the plate and type “Me too” because I don’t know what constitutes sexual harassment, then what’s the point? I want to learn.

I think most viral updates have a purpose and I hope the purpose of this one isn’t to gang up on men and call them assholes, bastards and complete human scum. Although, absolutely, some should be called out. I hope the purpose is to bring awareness to the issue and educate ourselves and future generations as to what harassment and abuse look like in all shapes, sizes and forms. 

It is “okay” for me to minimize the sexual harassment I went through because I’m made of tough stuff and I handled it easily? Is it okay that I wasn’t appalled by what happened, that I reflected on the moments I know I was harassed and stood taller, worked harder and pushed further? Is it okay that I used harassment as a way to show that even if their conversations were inappropriate, it didn’t affect me negatively? And with all that being said, is it okay for me to write “Me too” as my status update? 

Again, I’m not at all condoning sexual harassment, but I need to understand the purpose of this update. I need to know that when I write it, I’m helping and educating and not becoming a part of a “let’s hate all men” movement. I’ve seen many women sexually harass men they work with, so that can’t be my reason. 

As I reflect on my education and my career, I am certain that I’ve been sexually harassed. Sadly, I believe most women have probably experienced it in one form or another. So, how do we move forward? What’s the game plan? How can I educate my daughter on what’s acceptable and what’s not? And, in my case, I’m uncertain whether I should post “Me too” because I know my “level” of sexual harassment doesn’t even come close to what some women have gone through, let alone comparing my experience of sexual harassment to those who have suffered abuseabuse? 

And, isn’t is crazy that I just wrote this blog post asking “Is my sexual harassment enough”?

I am more confused than ever and I guess that’s a good thing. Now I’ll search for answers. Not necessarily for myself, because I feel strong and empowered but for others who have had a different experience and honestly, because I’ll do anything to make my daughter stronger, more vocal and more aware of the situations she’ll go through in her life.

Am I the only one confused? Am I the only one hesitant to write the status update? I’m okay if I am, but I’m wondering if this was a difficult thing for others to post for reasons other than they went through a difficult time and are relieved to find support.