Well, hey there. I see you’re back. I hadn’t noticed you creep back into my life, but there you are. I’ve been feeling off for a few months now and rationalized it with nerves, exhaustion and yes, even allergies. But no. It’s you, isn’t it? You’re back. And you’re stronger this time.
Well, darkness. So. Am I.
We’ve been here. We’ve gone through this before. I didn’t think I’d have to see you again. Last time you were based on injury. But, I see it’s time for us to battle once again.
It’s not okay, you know. What you do. It’s not okay. You’re a real asshole.
You’re a pitch black hole of loneliness, doubt, anxiety and sadness. But that’s not all you are. You’re anger, too.
Oh depression, you have such strength, such power. But, I will control you now. Now that I recognize that you’ve seeped back into my body, taken over my heart, my soul. For me, you’re black blood that travels through my body at lightning speed, infecting and spreading your sorrow, anger and doubt so quickly it takes my breath away.
You’re not slow, you’re fast. You work quickly. You zing around my body controlling my thoughts, filling me with doubt and causing me to think irrational thoughts. Yes depression, you do that. You make me believe things that aren’t true. You fill my head with scenarios and feelings and so much anger I could scream.
And yes, while my brain understands what you’re doing. While I listen to person after person tell me I’m being ridiculous, well, Depression, you’re louder than those voices. And, for reasons I don’t understand, my head and stomach, well, they listen to you. They’re under your speedy and warped spell.
You make me sick. Literally. I shake, I cry, I rage and this hole in my stomach? It just won’t go away.
For me, you’re the darkest of dark holes. But it’s not a comforting hole for me. It’s nowhere I want to be. Now, I realize for some people you cause them to want to hunker down in your darkness, pull over the covers, make a nest and sleep for days, for weeks, for months.
But for me, you make me want to do burpees and sprint and sweat in your darkness. I’m in the pit of your darkness running intervals and bouncing off your goddam walls. I’m so angry and sad and deflated and defeated. That’s your power.
These negative thoughts won’t stop. This hole in my stomach won’t close.
That’s your power.
You’re a menacing darkness with teeth that nash at my insecurities and take pieces of me every time I meet you.
You’re unwelcome, you all-powerful asshole. And I will find a way through you once again.
You see, I have help.
I have a community of people who support me, inspire me and believe in me. I have a family who hugs me, loves me, reaches for me. I have kids who brighten even my darkest days. So even though I’m sweating it out down in your deep darkness, when my kids are around their sunbeams reach me. It may look like the smallest of small beams of light, but I feel the light. It calls to me. It’s stronger than you.
So, fuck you. I’m gripping and clawing my way towards the light. No, I’m sprinting toward it. I will rely on physical activity to get me through this. And if that doesn’t work? If you’ve pulled me that much further down this time? I’m not afraid of the pills made to help people dig out of this.
I won’t wear the badge of horror you want me to wear.
Sometimes you’re too strong and outside help is needed. And I’m at the place now where I realize reaching out for help isn’t a weakness. It’s a strength.
So, fuck you once again. I’m done with your darkness. I’m done making you believe I’m not good enough. I’m done being mad and angry and raging all the time, even if it’s only on the inside. I deserve better and I will find a way to get better.
I’m sure we’ll meet again. But know this…I will never give in completely to you. I am stronger than you. I will beat you time and time and time again.
I know I don’t always realize you’re there right away, but when I do, my ugly, disgusting depression, I will fight and claw and dig your eyes out. I will fill you with joy and love and light and cover the dark hole you’ve made me struggle out of.
I will stand at the top of your dark tunnel down and dance to Dolly Parton on your grave. I will laugh and rejoice and celebrate the strength and control I have over my own body, heart and soul.
I’m not there just yet. But I will be. So prepare for the end. I’m about done feeling the way you make me feel. Help is on the way and I am beyond ready to reach for it.
Fuck you, you dark asshole. You’re unwanted here.
I’m ready for the light.