I write about my son quite a bit. We both like to educate people on how to help kids with anxiety and he’s always approved of the things I write about him. If you’ve read any of my blogs, you’ll know that he’s a super sweet, kind, funny kid who battles anxiety on a daily basis. You’ll also know that he’s not ashamed of it and advocates for himself and for others. You’ll know he’s pretty freaking awesome and that the bond between him and I is solid and strong.
What you might not know is that he is the #1 button-pusher of all button-pushers.
He’s the kid that will play the “I’m not touching you, I’m not touching you” game with his sister in the backseat. He’ll make noises incessantly just to annoy the s**t out of me and push me ever-so-slowly over the edge. You can see the wheels turning in his head with thoughts of “If I do or say this…I’m going to get a reaction”…and he’ll typically choose to do or say just to annoy the person he’s interacting with.
It’s irritating and some days when I’ve given him my all and he decides that now is a good time to push my buttons, I want to take him to the curb, place him in the garbage can and walk away. Judge away. It’s going to get worse in a second…
The other day he and his sister were playing and although, in general, they get along, they also bicker and fight. Totally normal. But, my son likes to take things to the next level. Sometimes he does things to be funny, but it’s not funny, it’s hurtful and he knows it’s going to be hurtful, but he chooses to do it anyway. He chooses to be a jerk. It ends in hurt feelings, me yelling and my son….smirking.
Anyways, my son and my daughter were playing and I could see things escalating. I could see his little button-pusher wheels start turning and I said:
“STOP! Just stop. Owen – I’m going to teach you four words I want you to run through your head any time you think you should do something, but you have a feeling like maybe you shouldn’t. I want you to run these four words through your mind ANY time you question your next move. I want you to live by these four words forever. Use them every day and make decisions based on them.”
He stopped. He looked at me and said “Okay…what are they?”
“Don’t. Be. A. Dick.”, I said.
“Yup. Seriously. Don’t be a dick.”.
And listen, it works.
Should I say these words and push this button?
Don’t be a dick.
Should I take this action that could cause harm?
Don’t be a dick.
Should I take advantage of this situation?
Don’t be a dick.
At this point, he started giggling and said “Mooooooom”. To which I responded “I’m dead serious. Those 4 words should be your mantra and you need to start using them and live by them”. At this point, he walked away shaking his head, giggling.
Two hours later I said “O – what’s your mantra?”.
“Don’t be a dick”. So…I know he heard me. I know he’s taken the lesson. I told my friends about it and they ask him and he can say his mantra quickly now.
Are you judging me yet? Probably. And, that’s okay. I’d probably judge me, too. But, for my son, cute and softer words don’t work. He needs an edge to his lessons and I’m happy to provide them. “Don’t be a jerk” wouldn’t have worked. It’s too soft. “Don’t be an asshole” was too much and I typically don’t advocate swearing (although for some, the word I chose is vulgar and offensive). So, I landed where I landed, which made him giggle…but also think.
I taught my son his mantra a few weeks ago and although we joke about it a bit, the other day he told me he actually used it. He said he was doing something that he knew would annoy his friend so “I ran my mantra through my head and decided to not do it”.
Well then. Okay. Success?
It’s weird and a bit of a vulgar mantra, but apparently it works. At least it works for my kid. Judge away if you want to, but for my kid, if he can run those 4 works through his mind before he decides to do something, he may save himself a lot of hurt and frustration in this life of his. As he gets older, we’ll expand on it, but for now…this works.
I kinda wish everyone would live by this mantra. I feel strongly that if everyone just checked in with themselves before they do/speak/post/take action as to whether or not they’re making a dick-move, the world could be a better place. I’ve even caught myself a few times wanting to respond to a comment, email or message and have run those words through my mind and decided to respond in a different way.
It’s actually quite liberating.
All this to say…I’m parenting the way I parent and doing the best I can. The lessons I teach my children may be different than yours but hey…don’t be a dick. Let me parent how I choose to. I swear I’m doing a good job and I’m raising some pretty cool and kind kids, even if their messaging is different than yours.
Some kids need this type of parenting, mine did and he turned out to be a delightful, responsible amazing man. Keep up the good work.
I think this was a great move on your part. I almost said the exact same thing to my 11 year old the other day, but I hadn’t thought it through all that well and thought I would say it in a hurtful way, so I defaulted to my usual ‘stop being a jerk big brother’ words like, “how would you feel if someone did that to you?” I am keeping the “Don’t be a dick” in my back pocket. 🙂
As I was reading this I said “I love this woman”. Just last week I told my 14yr old son “Don’t be an A hole” for exactly the same reasons you chose your mantra. Perfectly reasonable parenting!
No judgement. Sounds like my son… and he needs this mantra in his life!
LMAO! Linds, I just said, for the 1st time, the exact same thing to my 12-going-on-25-year-old son last week. I remember my mom saying, “Don’t be such an ass!”
The snowflakes out there … let ’em judge: my kid(s) won’t be the dick(s) in the crowd.
Amy P. says
Love love love this! And for the tween/teenage boys, this resonates with them!