Warning: Very ranty. Very sweary. DO NOT READ IF JUDGEY.
If one more person tells me to use this time in isolation for good, there is a 100% chance of a swift kick to the crotch and a jab-cross combo coming their way.
I don’t want to be positive about this pandemic. I don’t want to create anything new or come out of this thing with a new side hustle. I don’t want to renovate my house, do cutesie crafts with my kids and bond over the monotony that is our lives right now.
I’m tired of trying to fucking think of different things to do around the house to “keep the kids engaged”.
Fuck you, Corona. I want my life back. I want my kids’ lives back.
Also – you’re ugly.
*stomps feet, crosses arms, sticks tongue out*
Yesterday I went out and did some errands and damn if people aren’t super weird right now. I mean, okay – this is a pandemic, I get it. We need to be super careful. We need to self-isolate. But when you do need to go out for the essentials, it doesn’t mean that everyone walking past you is going to cough or sneeze on you – so don’t look at me like I’m a criminal as I put toilet paper in my cart – BECAUSE I NEED TOILET PAPER – I’m not fucking hoarding it.
Fuck you, Corona. You’re making people paranoid and er – scowly? So many scowls out there. I mean, COME ON, people. I’m not going to jump across the aisle and lick your face, so fucking relax.
So. Many. Swears.
Maybe it’s because I have two jobs that I’m trying to maintain, two kids to safeguard from all the fucking weirdos out there right now, a stupid rec room we needed to get organized to MOTHER-FUCKING HOMESCHOOL and a bunch of mental illnesses in my house (including my own) to make sure that we’re all okay.
(We’re all okay, btw.)
I have tried to stay positive for the past four weeks. I didn’t get to go on a vacation to Hawaii which was desperately needed and I’ve gotten over that. My kids are doing just fine. The rec room is almost done – but this total and complete feeling of overwhelm? Well – it’s sitting in my stomach like a cobra about to strike.
I couldn’t catch my breath yesterday…and I felt soooooo angry all day. Angry that my kids now can’t go and walk at the beaches and parks they love, even if they keep a proper distance. Angry that I can’t see my people. Angry that I can’t hug my people. Angry that I can’t just text my buddy and say “I gotta get outta here, meet me at the pub”. Angry that I can’t lick my peoples’ faces – okay – not that one.
Just. Angry.
So angry.
And yeah, yeah, yeah…I will get over the anger. I will get over this complete feeling of overwhelm I’m going through right now. Ugh, for the love…please don’t comment about how much I must hate my life or that I should be grateful to have a home, be healthy, etc (I know all this, I’m just ranting so LET ME RANT).
I love my life. But THIS is not my life.
I will do the crafts. I will watch ALL the movies. I will make this time as happy and healthy as I can as a Mom – all the while maintaining two jobs (and YES, I realize I am sooooooo very lucky to have kept my jobs – I am beyond grateful for this), one volunteer position (which makes my heart happy), two happy kids, one house in need of renovations and what the fuck? – now being called “Miss Lindsay” by my kids.
I swear…if the next 5 words don’t send you over the edge every day – are you even parenting through a pandemic?
“What are we doing tomorrow”?
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
I hate that question.
The same bloody thing we did today. We’re staying home, you’re doing an hour of school and then you’re probably going to end up bickering with your sibling for hours on end because you are booooooored and I am overwhelmed…then we’ll hug, say I love you, go to bed…on repeat…for what seems like forever and ever, amen.
Phewf. Rant almost over.
Listen, I know we’ll get through this. I know that we’ll be okay. I know that my sweet kids – who honestly are getting along so great and are being so awesome – will go back to school at some point in the next year (wtf…year?!). But for now, this Mom is 100%, absolutely, positively missing my people, giving hugs, smiling and I’d do anything to not walk around with this cobra of anxiety in my belly.
And you know what?! It’s okay. It’s okay to feel this overwhelm and this anxiety. This is a fucking pandemic we’re living through and it’s scary and overwhelming and the demands on parents right now are incredible. At least, it feels like it is for me.
I will get back to positivity soon, I’m sure. That’s what we do, isn’t it? We get through, we find the bright side, we forge ahead. But, for now…
Fuck you, COVID-19. Fuuuuuuuck you.
And…I’m done.